sorry i've been gone.

i dunno, i just havent posted in a while.

i was 123 for a good 4 days. then bingebingebinge, and im 126 now.
so tomorrow is a new start. im going to fast. or at the least liquid fast, because i will be 120 by the end of december. it seems dumb. that i'll take that long to lose a few pounds, but i find my body wont let me lose easily anymore. its very hard now. my body like clings to every ounce. uggh.
so i will be 120 by the end of december.

its gotten so goddamn cold here. tons of snow, and wind that burns your skin. ouch.

my thighs havent touched in a while now. except at the very top. heres a picture of my legs from the other day when i was 123.

well, thats all for tonight i suppose. i hope you're all doing well.
i'll be back tomorrow most likely. :)
night ladies.

i just want to be skinny

my sister went to the doctor today, hes 13 and only like 5 foot 3 or something, she weighs 104 pounds, and she stopped getting her period. why cant i be so thin i dont menstruate! its not fair!

i didnt weigh today like i planned, i woke up so late that i didnt have time to get practically naked and look at some numbers.
i'll do i tomorrow! haha.

i ate around 700-800 calories today. and burned 220. so not too shabby. in the 480-580 range.
idk.

im scared. i feel like i dont have an eating disorder. i think i just am drastically trying to lose weight in unhealthy ways... but then theres a little voice in side of my head that says "maybe thats the eating disorder talking. you do have one. you do."
i dont know.

and im scared that i do have an eating disorder, and that it will control my life, and i'll get thin, and then i'll be FORCED to gain weight once i get in the 110's. some one will notice. i have this stressing feeling that someone is watching me, noticing me. and they know that somethings up.

and scared that i'll be consumed by an eating disorder. and that i'll never be able to be happy. that i wont eat my wedding cake on my wedding day because of the calories in it.
i dont know. im just genuinely scared.



this is a picture after my shower last night. i know im getting thin, but if someone saw this, would they worry? probably not, its nothing drastic. just starting to see some ribs.

well, night i suppose ladies. sleep tight.

bad dream

i had a very bad dream last night.
i mostly just remember the feelings. it was terrible.
from what i can recall, i was being cornered by my family for being "anorexic" they said they knew everything, and that i needed help because i had gotten too thin. i didnt even know they knew, and i was crying and screaming, and telling them i didnt have a problem. and they told me there was no use fighting. there were hands and bodies everywhere, holding me against my will, taking me against my will. all the while i was screaming and crying.

so that was my dream. it was terribly real.
i feel like that could happen when my mom gets out of jail.
i live with my grandma, and she doesnt even suspect a thing. but before my mother went to jail she told me "annie... you're getting too thin". and she asked my grandma "has she been eating?" and of course my grandma said "of course! oh of course, nothings wrong" because i always make a point to eat in front of her. but im scared.

im feeling like something going to happen.

as long as i get to 110 before something happenes. i feel like 124 is too big to have an eating disorder. i dont even think i do. i dont know do i? i've never been diagnosed, who decides if i have an eating disorder?
im not thin enough to have an eating disorder. but once i get thinner, i'll let you guys know. :)

i was starting 246, but i ended up eating two browines that brought my total to like 600 something. so i think i'll just try to keep it under 500 after exercise.

im hoping to be 120-118 by the end of december. after my mini binge of chips today, i weighed RIGHT after, and i was 124.5. so i think im still like 123.

do you guys ever have terrible dreams like that? that someone will find our your secrets?
whens the last time you had a nightmare?

im very tired. time to start homework. then go to bed. i'll see yah. :)

tomorrow is december 6th

some time in February, of this year, is when all this started. that means in like two months, it'll be year. a whole fucking year and i've only lost 20 pounds. fuck. by February, i want to be 118. which means i'll have lost 25 pounds to date. that sounds like a nice number. which means i'll also be at my goal. the goal that i made February 2010. ( i actually wanted to be 117 but still) how much have you ladies lost since you started this journey? more than 20? gahhh. i need to be 117 or 118 by February. that'll be nice.
i told my boyfriend in February, that i'd be 117 by our 2 year anniversary in July. it didnt happen. so by the coming February, i can do it. i will. and i hope he'll be proud.

me and him were talking about my weight, and he asked how much i weigh, and i dont lie to him, so i told him 123. he was excited for me, because he knew how happy i was. then he added, that he doesnt need me any thinner, that hes okay with 123.

i think he feels bad that last summer he called me "overweight". he didnt say "youve gained a couple pounds" or even "you're fat" he fucking said "i think you're getting overweight"

oh my god how much i cried.

thats what started this really. i think he'd be sad to know he started my eating disorder, and that his compliments now fuel the flame.

so im starting 246 tomorrow, i've got an ana buddy. i'd like another though. anyone wanna text? i'd love that.
i hope to be 120 by the end of this week.


but i did terrible this past weekend. one day i ate 2,000 calories. so i'd guess im back up to 126ish. idk. i'll weigh tomorrow.

sooo, text me! :)
leave a comment and i'll give you my number.

have a nice night ladies.

sixteen

so ladies, im 16 now. 15 is so young, but 16 is so old. eahh.
sorry for my last post.
thanks to efflorescentwings and Weightoomuch for commenting. it meant a lot.

i was 123 on my birthday. but yesterday i ate 2000 calories, and the day before i had like 1,500. my eating is out of control. only because i've been spending time with my boyfriend. and one of his favorite things is snacks. so i've been eating like all day. monday will be better in all honesty, because it will be.
i didnt get much for my birtday. i got some clothes that i wanted though. and a couple friends gave me some candy/food. my boyfriend got me a movie. thats it. it makes me sound greedy. but i kinda expected more. we've been going out for 2 years and 5 months, and i buy him fantastic things.
what ever i guess. its not like he has a job. although hes 18 and should have a job or a car. hes a bum really. whatever.

im too scared to weigh myself. so i think i'll wait till monday.

some friends are coming over today. its nice. it makes me feel like i have lots of friends. :)

me and my best friend are going to get matching tattoos. these ones.

its kinda a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but thats okay. :)

im gonna go. :P

depression

i was diagnosed with depression, and i have sever social anxiety.
i took medication for a while. until i felt better, then i stopped. i cant get a refill until i talk to someone again. and i cant. they judge me. i know they do. they ask whats wrong, but they honestly could care fucking less. which isnt fair. i've seen many people, and i havent felt like ONE didnt judge me. but then again, i also hate shopping because i also KNOW the people who are scanning my items are thinking about why i bought what i bought, ultimately, judging me.
i dont know.
my mother has a lot of mental health problems, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. and the agoraphobia is hereditary. i think i might have it. i cannot talk on the phone. i cannot order my dinner at a restaurant. i hate being alone in big places.


i keep having this deja vu that someone i know is going to find this, or i'll forget to clear the history on my computer, and my life is fucking ruined. i've had dreams about it too. that my life gets RUINED. that everything falls to shit. that everyone is disappointed in me and that my boyfriend wont be with me because i kept this secret from him. im so scared.

i havent been sleeping. and i get up at 6 every morning for school. so this is shit. i got four hours of sleep, then had to sit through 8 hours of honors classes, then i had to find a ride home from school, which i didnt have. and i almost had to walk the nearly 10 miles to my house, in the freezing cold, wearing a dress.

i just feel like everything is so shitty.

ive been crying a lot. that goes along with the whole, i cant sleep thing.
i have this crushing pain in my chest. not physically, like i have a bruise, or i got hit.
but like, inside of me, just hurts so much. its hard to explain. i think im depressed.

im 123 today. i weighed after i had eaten around 400 calories. my goal was 120 by tomorrow, my birthday. im sorry i disappointed you guys. i did end up losing five pounds though.
so not all bad.

im so tired. but im not even half way done with home work due at 7 am tomorrow. then i get to sit through a whole day of people expecting me to be happy and smiley because im another year closer to fucking death.

thats one of my biggest fears. dying. its so weird to think about. its not a fear like being afraid of the dark. its a saddening fear, that will come true, at anytime anywhere during my life. and i havent accomplished anything, and i dont think i will.

i have this yearning to be something. i dont know what. but i feel like i was born to do something special, to be some special. i feel like im missing my chance. i feel like im keeping a secret from my self. like i know what i have to do, i know what will make me special before i die. but i wont tell my self. i dont know. this is stupid. its also hard to explain.

i feel like im better than everyone i meet. not you girls. you girls are different. but the kids at school, just everyone. i feel like they dont feel the same i do. they dont have this feeling deep inside them, that they HAVE to find out what is expected of their life to achieve greatness. do you ladies feel it? is it normal? maybe im greedy. maybe im conceited, thinking im better than so many other people. i guess i am. but i dont care. i know im destined to do something. to be someone. and i feel like i should get what i want. i know THATS conceited. but i feel like its true.

i stole my current boyfriend from his girl friend, because i wanted him, and i get what i want.
but i think its a false feeling. because i feel like (referring to my last couple of posts about gerard and frank) if i want to have sex with frank iero or gerard way that it will happen. i feel like im different in the way that i should always be right, always get what i want.

i only get that greedy "i should get what i want" feeling sometimes. but its been really strong lately.

im so selfish.

i yelled at my sister for not buying me what i wanted for my birthday. she just turned 13, i was too hard on her. and i feel terrible.

i turn 16 tomorrow. i dont know what im expecting. i guess im expecting a thousand "happy birthday's" and cards and gifts. why? i dont know. i feel like im supposed to be popular. have all the guys. god. i sound so fucking dumb.
but what ever. i felt i needed to share this with you.

thank you for all your kind words on my last post. about my pictures and things. :)
i really appreciate it.

im feel bad.
i really really want to cut. and i dont know what to do. because i PROMISED my boyfriend i wouldnt do it again. and i've broken that promise about three times in two and a half years. and he always finds out. and hes always sad, then i repromise, just to break it again.

i always break my promises.

im such a terrible person.
im so sorry.

i love you all so much. and i appreciate all of your lives, and i sympathies with all of your struggles. thanks for sticking with me.
and im sorry this post was such bull shit.

i love you.
have a nice night.
get some sleep for me. thanks.

11/29/10

wednesday is my birthday.
its that time already.
the other day i was 123, then the next i was 126, then the next i was 124. so im not sure what i really weigh. i really need to not weigh everyday. because it fluxuates so much. its only 4:40, and im feeling bingy. and icky. todays not going so well. i had 85 for lunch. then got home and had some chips and soup. so i'd be around 200, then i had about 4 salt water taffies, and a giant pretzel. soo... 450?

i havent exercised yet. i know i have to. i just do not want to.
fuckk.

i'd like to take a bath too.
its stupid, but i like to shower or bathe BEFORE i exercise. i know your thinking "would you want to get clean after you're sweaty?"
but for some reason, no. i like to be damp when i exercise. skin and hair. yeah. idk.
hah.

i have a new little profile picture over there. ---->

i dyed my bangs blue. :)
i like it.
anywho,
i dont think i'll make 120 by wednesday. im close though. so that counts for something.

also, i dont know if you know, i dont know why you would, butttt, i wait until my last post has three comments to post the next. haha.


edittt:

a little while ago i took some pictures of me now. so heres some progress.

after thanksgiving

this morning i was 126, and almost cried. took off all my clothes. still 126. stupid fucking thanksgiving. and stupid slowest metabolism in the world.
today wasnt much better. 900.
i havent exercised yet. i cant seem to get off my lazy ass. fuck fuck fuck.
today was nice other wise. i dont have many friends, but i got invited to go play lazer tag, and then go to dinner. ate about 475 at dinner. not too horrible.
then i got invited to another friends house to play my favorite game in the world, Legends of Zelda Twilight Princess for Wii. it was so nice.
but i feel so goddamn fat. why cant i be thin? why cant this be easy?
im not going to be 120 in four days.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i was just 123. just! come onnn! i was so close.
this isnt possible now. its not.
im going to take some lax tonight. i know it'll sort of be like fake weight loss. but still.
it'll make me feel better. less bingy and angry.

i want to have sex with Gerard Way and Frank Iero. im so serious. not some fan girl crush. i need to have sex with them before i die. its a goal. i need to, or i wont die happy.
could that happen? do you think? they are both famous, and from MCR, they both have a wife and kids. buttttt, when i turn 18, if im hot, and if i seduce them, do you think they would? it could be our dirty little secret. i mean i'd tell like everyone. lol. but still. i feel like its possible.
is this a false hope? because i dont think it is. so i need someone to tell me the truth. do you think Frank and Gerard of My Chemical Romance on separate, or not, occasions, would have sex with a skinny beautiful 18 year old? Frank is 29, and Gerard is 33. Frank is 13 years older than me, and Gerard is 17 years older than me. so in two years, possibly, or later maybe, when Frank is 31 and Gerard is 35, do you think i could fuck them?
i hope so.
i can wait. i will wait. i'll do them in their 40's. im serious. i just need to do them. preferably in their prime, but i can take doing a 45 year old when im 28. and i can also do a 41 year old. i will. i can.

sorry. that was very long. and unneeded. but im serious! so serious! i'll love them even when they're old! lol

have a nice night.

the boys now. this is what im talking about. hell yesss.


2010 frank. :) hes getting old. lol

2010 gerard. he dyed his hair red. hes hot.




old frankie. hes a baby. :)

old frank and gerard. frank has a mustach. lol


see what i mean. especially the first picture. i will do them. dont worry.

damn.

i ate today. a lot. i havent totaled it yet though. im afraid to. i did so well the past two days. but i guess the good thing is, i dont think i've ever felt this way before. like, so guilty of eating, and i just want to feel hungry again. i think i might exercise again in a bit. which is a big deal, because i fucking hate exercising. i was 124.5 this morning. is it normal to have your weight fluctuate that much? or not? because yesterday i was 123. i dont know. i could have cried.
so today i had cereal, and potato salad, and noodle salad, 6 vegetarian chicken nuggets, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. lets over estimate here.
cereal (120)
potato salad (400)- it had mayonnaise in it.
noodle salad (250)
nuggets (285)
stuffing (140)
pumpkin pie (300)
that means i fucking ate 1495 calories today!
fuckkkkk. fuck fuck fuck!
i bet i'll be like 126 tomorrow. fuck fuck fuck!!
this morning i burnt 200 calories. so that means net total of 1295. fuckkfuckfuck.
if i exercise again, it'll probably burn 200 tops. which means i'll still be in the thousands. i dont know what to do.
i hope you girls did better than me.

well, i took a picture of me laying down today. and laying down is a flattering position. so idk. but here it is.

i have a huge rib cage. god.
fuck. fuck.

123

i will now happily inform you ladies, that i am 123 pounds this morning. :D
yesterday, i ate 355 calories, but i exercised for 300. so i was at 55.
and today, so far, i had a popsicle (15), and a salad with dressing (70). and i just exercised (-250), which means im at -115. :D
but, tomorrow is thanks giving. and i have just found out that i have to go to two. my grandmas, and my dads. so im worried. really worried. because i feel like, at this point, my 123 is fragile. it can disappear with one cookie, or something. so i really feel like tomorrow is going to throw me right back to 125-128. im so worried. i mean i am a vegetarian. but still, my dad told me hes making me potato salad and noodle salad, because they're my favorite. i dont know. i will try my very best. because i feel great. this is great. also my measurements are down. my hips are now 33 inches. :) my thighs havent really budged. they're 20ish inches. my waist is a bit less than 26 inches! and my wrists are less than 6 inches around.
this is cool. :D

i got some new makeup. i wish i had somewhere to go. i might just put it on for fun later.
im also gonna take a shower. that'll be nice. maybe shave my legs and pits. lol. :)

i've been exercising to mcr's new album. haha. yesterday i exercised for an hour, the whole album. and today i did for half an hour, half the album. lol. motivation. :P
and efflorescentwings i probably will cry. haha.

anywho. thats all for now.
see yah later. :)

i thought maybe you'd want to see me so far.
so here are a couple of pictures of me now.


yes im leaning slightly up in this one. i just wanted to show you guys my ribs :)

da da da daaa

i was 125 today. still. i havent got far. i like, forgot how bad i wanted to be 120 by December first. so now im running out of time, and im 5 pounds away from my goal.
i did wonderful today. *knock on wood*
i slept in as long as i possibly could so that i'd be more successful in not having time to eat. i got up around 1pm. late i know. lol.
then around 2 ish i had two slices of pickles. probably not quite 5 calories. also i had a cup of tea, but i let is seep too long, and it was so bitter. ick. i drank it anyways.
then at 4:30 i exercised until like 5:30.
and a little bit ago i ate a big salad with dressing and carrots, and tomatoes.
and then later i might have a mini bag of popcorn (100 calories), if all that goes as planned i'll be at like 200 calories. i burned around 300ish calories i'd say.

so -100.
not bad. i really just want to be 120 by my birthday. can i do it?

My Chemical Romance

MCR is my very favorite band in the whole world. i've seen a billion bands, but never mcr. which is sad. but they are coming to my town in April, and the tickets went on sale last Saturday, but i got presale tickets last Wednesday. :) so im going to see my chemical romance with my best friend! AHHHHHHHH. and their new album came out today. which i also preordered, so it came in the mail, to make sure i got it. :)
its so FUCKING FANTASTIC! ahhh! im such a cheezy fan girl.
lol.
i bought some merch too. and i convinced my grandma (who i live with) to buy me a fuck ton of stuff for my birthday next Wednesday.
also!
i forgot to tell the lovely ladies who attended that tea party a while ago that i finally got that cup! i bought loose tea, and a lovely ceramic cup.

i didnt take this picture of course. lol. but this is the cup i got. :)

this morning i was 125 pounds. so close to 124! so close! ahha. so i suppose im on the right track. :)
i'll talk to you guys tomorrow. :)
night.

"I don't take the first little bite; I don't begin. I have no problem "

ladies!

i appreciate everyone of you're comments on my last post.
i ended up not going to the doctor for my owwie, because A) my doctor isnt there on weekends, and B) the infection is going away. it hardly hurts.
so i've been eating like shit. i havent lost any, but i havent gained. i checked at the end of the day today and it was close to 127. but that was at the end of today. so im not sure. tomorrow i was supposed to be 124. im not sure how that'll work. but i have faithfully been exercising everyday. :)
my boy is leaving tomorrow for a mini vacation to Oklahoma. we live in Wisconsin. im going to miss him so much! but i guess this is good alone time for me. i told him i'll look nicer when he comes back. that i'll be more fit. :)
hes coming back three days before my birthday.
so i've still got time to fit into those jeans. but on the bright side (even though there wasnt a dark side in the first place), i bought a super cute pair of pants the other day! they were forty dollars on fricking sale for 8 dollars! i love them. :D
they are a size four. so thats exciting. because usually i wear a 5 or whatever. haha

sorry ive been not posting recently. im lazy. and busy. haha .
mostly lazy.


im soooo tired guys. i promise i'll post tomorrow. kay?
kay.
:)
i'll see yah.

vegetarian

so im not sure if you guys know, but i've been a vegetarian for 6 years.
today, about half an hour ago, i got a sandwich from a sandwich shop, and i ate half of it. after i ate it i realized it had turkey on it... so i immediately went and pretty much puked my guts out...
..
im still a vegetarian right? .... im so upset. i cant start my count over...
its okay right?
god.


well, i've been doing pretty shitty. last week i made my two pound goal, but mid week this week i weighed in a pound up. so shit. by sunday im supposed to be 124. i dont see that happening. especially since tomorrow is an early thanks giving with my dad since i wont be able to go to his house on actual thanks giving.

i need to take a shower, and i need to exercise. but i dont want to exercise. but i have to. i havent been burning many calories, and i've been eating too much.
bleah..

i got a hat. this lady hand made it for me. and hand made the unicorn horn. so this is me in the hat.


and this is me today in target shopping for pants and undies. :P


so my thighs touch less. but they still touch at the top.

sorry my updates are irregular. whateves. lol


wanna hear something that you probably dont want to know?
i'll tell you anyways.
im not sure why, but i have a scratch, down there.
maybe from shaving, maybe my boys fingernails are too long, idk.
but i have a scratch. and now its infected. and it hurts so bad. i cant pee, it hurts to walk, it hurts to exercise. gahhh. so i have an appointment tomorrow.
it hurts so fucking bad. ouch.
hah
sorry, if that was tmi.

i realized today that

i've been half assing my workouts. yeah. cause today i didnt, and im so sore. gr.
i havent counted my calories in forever. but i have been this and last week. and im not doing so well. on a normal day when i think im doing "good" or "alright" or "not bad", im in the thousands. thats so bad. like, everday. so yesterday was like 1,200, and today was 1,500! this is not acceptable!
im really tired today. but i have to read a few chapters of A Tale of Two Cities for english. and its the most boring book ever. i havent weighed in a few days, but on saturday i met my two pound goal. i was 126, even after the thousands a day. but i did exercise a lot. i barley exercised yesterday. i dont think i'll meet my two pound goal by this sunday. i dont feel like i've got it this week. but i do right? i can do it right?
my birthday is creeping up fast. and im afraid i wont be even close to 120. i would be so god damn happy if i got down to 123 or 124. so as long as i lose, it doesnt matter. i think this mind set of, eat around 1000 or less, and exercise. and lose two pounds a week, is working. its sort of, healthy. but im not trying to be healthy, im just too fat to eat less. idk.
i think i'll fast tomorrow. its just hard with school because EVERYDAY i dont have something to eat everyones like, "annie, wheres youre food?" i mean i guess its good that they care. but come on.
so i have a foods class at like 10am, then lunch at 12:15 but they dont know when i have foods class, so i could just not bring a lunch, or better yet, bring a lunch and give it away, saying im not hungry. haha. so if for some reason i have to eat, it'll be less than 300 calories tomorrow. i'll try my best! hah.

so i was on facebook, and this girl had this picture. and ick. just look at if for your self.


look how fat that first girl is. what the fuck? shes not more than 16 years old too. icky. then that dark blue dress in the middle, shes skinny.

wanna see a picture of me and my boy from a while ago? dont tell him! thanks. :)

this is when i shaved half my head and dyed it purple. it was so goddamn cool. now its much longer, and i dyed it back black. i love this man ladies. and i am going to marry him. he told me so. :)

okay, i'll talk to you later. :)
night.

i feel i should tell you, your sexy!

yep, you are. think how far you've come. your hot now! i mean you may want to be hotter, and you will be! but your sexy! and your getting thin! im so proud of you all! if i would have thought i would be 128(ish) pounds, i would have said, HOW!? HOW DID I DO IT!? AM I HAPPY YET?, and i am happier, but im not where i want to be. i havent weighed my self since monday, and monday i was 128. today i had three ritz crackers, a salad for lunch, then when i came home i had some fresh baked bread ( i shouldnt have. i ate too much of it, but it was so flaky, and i was weak), i had some soup, and eventually i had like 3/4 of a burrito. so... total? lets round it to 850 calories? yeah. i'd say around there. and i plan on burning 200-300 calories a little bit later tonight. yesterday went bad. my grandma (who i live with), bought me two tacos from taco bell. so i ate them. and they were so good. :/ its okay, its okay. gahhh. i wanted to lose two pounds this week. and i dont think i even did that. but i did lose like half and inch on my waist and hips. but the problem of getting into those jeans are my thighs! what should i do! gahhh.

anywho, i have 52 followers! fuck yes! you guys are fantastic. you really are. :)

guess what im going to do later?

http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html

im going to a sort of tea party! haha. i hope K isnt mad at me for telling about the tea party. :P (sorry i didnt link your name to your blog. i dunno how! :/ )


so my kittens are a week and three days old. :)

Alona, the mom kitty, her mom was hairless, but she turned out with hair. so thats why she has a baby without hair. the sandy one, the one im keeping, the one farthest on the left, is the fattest one! lol. but all their eyes are open, and they are cuteee! i was going to take an up close picture of the one im keeping, but shes eating right now. so i'll do that later. :)

sorry this post was so long. thanks for reading if you did!

11/11/10

bleah. im still fat. i still weigh a lot. i fasted for a day. and then didnt eat to bad the next day. then like 800 calories, then today i ate like 1,300. not a binge. just breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner. so i guess what did i expect? i really thought i would have lost maybe 1 pound. but no. no budge at all. maybe tomorrow will be a nicer weigh in. cause i did weigh like 15 minutes ago. after dinner. so, theres hope i suppose. gah.

i HAVE been exercising though! so im back into the swing of that. *knock on wood*
and i guess my stomach has been looking more toned. but no weight loss or significant change.

i always end up doing that. exercising and i start to like/see results. then i stop. then once i get mushy and icky, i start exercising again. until im fit, then i stop. fuck me. why do i do that? whateves. i'll stick to it this time. i really doubt myself on that 8 pounds in 23 days. i've been trying for months to lose even 4 pounds. now double that, and thats why im trying for. i dont think i can do. but if i TRY then at least i'll be closer than i am now.
so if/when i dont lose 8 pounds by december, please dont be disappointed in me, or think im fat and lazy. cause i really am trying.

today went fine. except for all the food. but i was happy today. :) i've been staying happy. which used to be a problem.

my cat, keeps moving her babies on me! its so scary to look in their basket and see that they're gone! but luckly she moves them in like the same spot. so i can always find them. but seriously. she needs to knock that off.
their eyes are open now. :) since they're born with them closed. they are so cute! :P

thanks for all your comments. :) i love you guys.

11/8/10

so my birthday is December 1st. sweet sixteen. and i have a pair of jeans that i used to wear, that were like my favorite, but im too fat for them now. so my goal is to fit into them. i'd love to fit nicely. like not be sung at all. but as long as i can get my fat ass into them. that'd be cool.

so i havent eaten today. this morning i had some juice. and then just a bit ago i had a bowl of broth. so i guess, that counts as eating... sorta. but the broth was only 10 calories. and it was nice and warm. :)
i honestly havent fasted in AGES like, seriously. its been forever. so today. im not gonna eat actual food. so i guess a liquid fast. tomorrow i'd like to fast too. but i'll HAVE to eat lunch. so maybe a jar of baby food? not liquid, but not quite solid. so yeah.

i seriously like gave up for a while. like when i hadnt posted in ages, or exercised in ages. but that changes today. November 8th 2010. i will be thin. i've finally decided, its easy. just, dont eat. i deserve to be thin. right? i would be so much happier if i was thin.
so i will be thin. so that gives me, what, like 23 days? so yeah.
the other day i was 129.5, then the day after that like 128.5. so idk where i am now. i'd say 128. so, i bet i can fit in those pants at 120 pounds. do you think? i mean. they SORT OF fit now. i can put my legs in. i just cant get them all the way over my big butt. so yeah. if i lose eight pounds in 23 days. i should fit into them. will that work? is eight pounds too big of a goal? well, i need to lose at least eight by December 1st. so i guess i should make like, mini goals. so i guess i should lose like 2-3 pounds a week to meet that goal. it probably will be hard. since i've been 125-129 for months. i think i just need to try. i think i've just been maintaining. i've had the mind set "if i fuck up once today, its okay. i can eat what i want. and while im at it, i wont exercise. cause i will tomorrow, i promise" and then i dont. my mind makes excuses for what my mouth wants to eat.
gah. so i think i can do it. i just need to get motivated, and stick to it. i think i will this time. i can do it. i will be thin.

on a sort of different note, my boyfriend asked me when im going to let him see my blog. he knows i have one. but doesnt know AT ALL what i talk about here. it makes me sad. cause he thinks i'll let him. he thinks im normal, and that i just come on here to talk about normal teenage girl things. but i dont. im not here to talk about my life. im here to talk about how fat i think i am. thats so pathetic. im sorry i cant show him. he'd be disappointed in me. im sorry.

so, is broth okay? is babyfood okay?
hope so.

im gonna let my tummy rest (its full of lots of water and some broth), and then i'll go bounce around with weights. lol.

i'll see yah.

bleh.

wow. sorry. i've been gone a while.
some new stuff,

i hung out with my ex boyfriend, we got drunk, it was a fun reunion.
i saw my mom in jail, and talked to her through a phone, and plexi-glass.
i came home to kittens. my cat Alona finally had her babies. five of them.
i havent been exercising, or eating "right". im around 125 pounds.
i dont think i'll ever be thin.
im so tired lately.
i've been taking these super important tests, WKCE tests. its three days long, four hours each test.
i went grocery shopping. didnt buy many bad things.
i had some carrots and potatos a bit ago.
i also had some halloween candy from trick or treating.
i went to a halloween party. it was fun. i've never had friends, so i've never been to a party.
i was rainbow brite for halloween.
im pretty happy.
i've been gone for a while.
i've been busy, and lazy.

im sorry.
i love you guys though.


my cat.
the kitten im keeping.
one black, two white, one hairless, and one sandy colored one (the one im keeping).




my costume.

tomorrow is a new week

im gonna start 246, or what ever. i hope at least. i always end up binging. gah.
i dont really have much to say. 126.5 pounds this morning.
i've been happy. :)
i got some gum today. Extra came out with a new line of gum. "dessert delights". how cool! lol. they taste like desserts. :P
if they make like a chocolate flavored one, it'll be the best day ever.
its nearly 10. im going to bed very soon.
night ladies.
hope your doing well.

once

i messed up once, and my brain said "dont worry about it annie. just go ahead and eat all you want today"
i dont even have anything to say. and i spent so much time binging that i barley had time to do my home work, let alone get in a decent exercise. i did exercise, but not for more than 10 minutes. if that.

i dunno.

be mean to me. tell me im a failure. cause i know i am. so just remind me.

thanks.

too heavy, it doesnt make sense

so i knew i wouldnt be 123 today, because of the why i was so light and how i wasnt about to take more lax. lol. its okay that you guys laugh. i laugh now. but then i just wanted to cry.
but im mad. i dont understand why the scale said so much today. i just figured it was because i ate a sorta big dinner at like 9:45 pm. i know, i ate way too much, way too late. but i think it just wasnt digested by this morning.
my stomach is looking more toned though. my boyfriend said i look great, and that he'd like to see me naked more. :P
that makes me feel really good. saying my tummy looks good is like the best compliment. haha.
so today i ate more than i should have. i went to my boys house and his mom made brownies. and she was joking about how she never sees me eat, and how i must be anorexic. so i ate some brownies. i also had some tater tots. lol. they were so goooood. hah. so idk. maybe im around 800 calories? lets see... yeah. i'd say 800 or 900 calories. i've been busy, and the past two days i've only had time for 15 minutes of ab work. so i guess its okay if i dont lose, as long as my stomach looks nice.

this is me from yesterday. its sorta a weird angle. like my hips are toward the camera. idk. haha. excuses i guess.
i still have a little pooch at the bottom of my tummy. but im more toned. i actually showed my boy this picture and asked him what he thought. he asked to see my stomach in real life, and he was like "wow. you really are getting thin"
:D
excitement! ahha.
so please. 125 pounds tomorrow. cross your fingers!

oh mondays

so. today. im embarrassed to say, but i feel i should tell you, i literally pooped my pants today. in school (sorry if this is too much information). i took some lax yesterday at like 1pm. and today in first hour ( about 8 oclock), i couldnt hold it. and i pooped my pants. no one knew. not like it was loud. so i went to the bathroom and... well, wiped up. and i threw away my undies. which totally solved the problem. but all dayyyyyyyyyy i had the runs. it wasnt very nice.
so i came home and went right into the shower. and as im standing there naked i thought i'd weigh myself, even though i ate breakfast and lunch today. so, the scale said 123.5. AHHHH!! thats so exciting! but i think its due to, i have no more poop in me.... lol.
but still.
i dont think i'll be 123.5 tomorrow. just cause today i was like EMPTY. but regardless, i think i've finally broken through my plateau of 127 pounds. KNOCK ON WOOD.
im expecting like 125 tomorrow. which is good.
i just ate some soup and gold fish. so i total im at like 350 calories.
and i finally bought my Halloween costume. i dont have it yet, since i bought it online. but i bought it. :D im very excited. i got a medium, even though i thought i could fit a small. we'll see how it fits when i get it. :)

well, thats all ladies. i think i may take a nap.
thanks for the comments. i love you!
:)

before bed

heres what i look like today before i climb into bed.
excuse my big butt. lol. i never realized i had a huge booty until pictures with this type of view. lol.

massive binge + tons of lax = 125 pounds?

dont you just love math?

so i binged so hard yesterday. it was nasty actually. i mean the food was fantastic. but there wasnt a time yesterday that i was hungry. i just ate all day that i was full all day.
and i took a butt load of lax. and today im 125 pounds.
but i havent done so well today. so i dont think i'll stay 125 for long. but i didnt exercise yesterday. cause my boy slept over. but i will tonight. so maybe i will stay 125, or lower.
:)

my dad was supposed to take me to lunch. it would have been nice to spend time with him. but. he bailed on me. cause of "car troubles". but later i called my sister and she said her and my dad are shopping. so much for car troubles. idk.

its only like 1:30pm here.
im watching the food network.

i had the nicest lunch today. it was japanese noodles, with japanese seasoning. it was so gooooood. and only 200 calories. for how rich it was im glad it wasnt higher. :)

i painted my nails, and took a shower.
im very happy today. :)

the jeans im wearing today though make me feel fat. i think i'll put an pajama pants. yeah. that sounds nice. i'll probably go to bed really early. i got a new mattress, and its so nice. i also got a new sheet set, and i washed all my blankets. i cannot wait to treat myself to a long sleep. :)

thats about it. thanks for your comments girlies.
also i have 47 followers. thanks to all of you who are new. and for those of you who have been following me for a while. :)
love you guys.

so heres a picture of me from the other day.
my hair looks shitty here. its really short, and i had it tucked behind my ears. its not this ugly in real life, trust me. :P

but im starting to see my bones. :) im excited.

frisbee golf!

if thats even how you spell frisbee. lol.
it was fun. my boy surprised me with a game of frisbee golf in the park. it was so nice!
me and him played on a team, and his two friends played on another team. the game was so close! lol. i mean i dont know the actual rules but we did it by how many throws it took. and be freaking tied! 18 holes with a total of 84 throws each. lol. so a rematch is in order. :)

today was nice.
i realized, its been a like a nearly 9 days since i last pooped. i think im just constipated as fuck. so, i got some lax today. to unbind me. so i'll do that this weekend.

i got some nice metabolism boosting green tea today. it came in bottles. so i got 2. they were only like a dollar something each. i also bought my boy a strawberry fanta and im gonna surprise him and give it to him tomorrow so he can have it at lunch or what ever. :)
i love buying him things.
i mean i dont have a job. or tons of money. but it makes me happy to buy him things.

oh anddddd it was recently his birthday, and he turned 18. today was the first time we had sex since he turned 18. lol. and it was great. :D
hes a really silly guy. hes hardly serious, unless its like a serious situation.
so when he was finishing he was like "yes! im 18!!" lmao.

i love him. :D

so any who i took some stuff to help me sleep and im like, nodding in an out.
so i should hit the hay.

i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

oh! and thanks for all the nice comments. your thoughts and suggestions are always appreciated. :)
have a nice night.

cookie pizza

dude, cookie pizzas are awesome. they are like, HUGE cookies and you take slices out like pizza. lol.

so, today went well. i had baby food for lunch. :P
i totally love baby food. haha. i have always loved the fruit flavors. i heard theres a baby food diet. whats this all about?
i bet i could do it. lol.

so i ate around 800 calories.
i have a foods class at school, and we made these sort of pot pies. i ate some of the crust, good thing the filing was disgusting. haha.
then for lunch i had a jar of organic baby food apples, so 60 calories.
then when i got home my boy made me some oven baked french fries. i also ended up eating like 2 small brownies, and then i had a pretzel. the pretzel was like a normal hard pretzel, but it was big. so like 100 calories.

i only exercised for 200 calories. that typically all i ever do. is that okay?
i mean i know i dont exercise much. my boyfriend told me i've been looking more toned. :)
and hes surely doesnt lie to me. so thats exciting. :)
i would love to be able to lay naked in front of him, and let him kiss me from my head to my toes, and not feel disgusting. thats what im looking forward to most when im finally thin.

im STILL 126.5 pounds. what. the. fuck. i mean seriously. i havent been eating over 1000 calories, and i've been exercising off 200 calories everyday.

what should i do? really. i need some help.
i have a hard time eating less than 600. thats probably my first problem.
should i just try to burn more calories?
gah. im so lazy.

thats all i guess. its 9 pm here. i would love to get to sleep early.

school

after school today the boy talked me into eating a cup of soup (330 calories), and i had some cookie pizza. so im around 600 calories, and its 5 pm here. i dont feel so good. i think it was that cookie pizza. blah.
yesterday i was 126.5 after a binge and purge. so idk.
i didnt weigh today, i woke up too late.
im so scared. and i hate it. i used to not be scared of the scale, but now i am.
gah.

i have a diet coke. listening to Framing Hanley.
i think im going to my dads later. that'll be nice.
also i dont have a lot of home work. so i can go to bed early, hopefully.

thats all.
:)

homecoming

tonight was my homecoming dance with my boyfriend. today i didnt binge, i indulged. a binge is like for a few minutes. mine lasted all day, so it was indulgence. he spent the night yesterday and we made breakfest this morning, and then snacks and lunch, then he took me to dinner. :) so i dont care. i mean i totally do because honestly i can see my stomach has gotten bigger. but i dont, because i was happier tonight than i have been in a very long time. so its okay. :)

im wiped out. :P
we danced, and i dont know how to dance, and it was wonderful.

he turns 18 tomorrow, so im gonna call him at midnight to be the first to say happy birthday to him. :)

im gonna go sit around till then.

be happy. its alright. just for a few minutes here, be genuinely happy.

10/7/10

i know some of you live no where near me. so its october here and nearly winter. although we've had some warmer days. so if its october for you, is it warm? like, october here is associated with fall, and cold. is october summer for anyone?

just wondering how that works. lol.

so today didnt go so smoothly. probably 900-1000 calories. i only exercised off 200 calories, but i did go on a very hilly walk for about half an hour. so 600-800 calories today after exercise.

Monday: 800
Tuesday: ate 630, exercised for 300, so 330
Wednesday: ate 800, exercised for 200, so 600
Thursday: ate 900-1000, exercised for 200, so 600-800

is that okay? like, do you think i'd lose weight if i continue this? although i plan on doing 2-4-6 next week. so im sure that'll help. can i lose weight doing this?

tomorrow is friday. im excited. i will get so much sleep! haha.

i was looking at this girls pictures, and shes like womanly thin. i really like it. shes the blonde one.


and this next one is here with some friends. look at that fat girl on the end. ewwie.

if only

it would be great if i could just never eat again. but i dont have that much will power.
i feel grossly full. but i counted calories. after lunch today i was at 100 calories. then i came home and i ate some of that delicious jalapeno bread i told you guys about yesterday. so idk. lets call that 100. then i had some home made soup. also around 100. so im only at like 300. i dont know why i feel so grossly full like i just binged. its not a nice feeling.
im really sore today. i think i'll just do some yoga, to stretch out, and relax. i ate breakfast this morning. then realized i didnt weigh myself. so with the food in my belly i was 127. im so angry. i thought i'd be lower. i would LOVE to say its because i had food in my belly, but i dont want to trick myself. because if i havent been working hard enough i need to know. but still. i dont know if thats accurate.
this sunday is my Dominic's birthday. if you dont remember dom is my boyfriend, and hes turning 18 on sunday. our love will be ILLEGAL! :P haha. i think its funny.

he wouldnt say it, but he likes thin girls. all his previous girlfriends have been sooo thin. and when i was up in the 140's he called me overweight. which i know was true. but still.
so he likes thin girls is the point. and our 2 year anniversary was in July. part of my present to him was i would be 117 pounds. so i need to be 117 by christmas time. but any who, i would loveeeeee to be at least 123 by sunday. which i guess probably wont happen since thats four days away. but that would mean one pound a day to get to 123. what if i fasted for four days? (or attempted to fast) do you think i could lose four pounds? maybe! haha

so i think im gonna try to fast. or at least liquid fast cause im a baby.
haha

im watching Spongebob. i love this show so much. :)
im gonna go relax for a bit, then i'll exercise.

see yah ladies.

today was nice

so today. school went well. i took some tests, honors biology. i think i did really good, with the exception of a few questions.
in foods class we made the yummiest "champion chocolate chip bars". lol. i had to have one. so i did. but it was big. so maybe 300 calories.
i came home starving! so i made some soup. broth with some noodles and some carrots and bit of potato. around 120 calories. then i exercised hard core. lol. its been a while. and i almost threw up i worked so hard. thats like the first time thats happened. burned around 300 calories. went grocery shopping. got some great food. the worst i got was caramel apples. i couldnt help it! lol. so i got home and made a low cal sandwich. since im a vegetarian i have tofu bologna, its 20 calories a slice, and four slices are a serving. while i made my sandwich, i made one for my grandma with her normal bologna and normal bread. my sandwich was 130 calories, and hers was 430. fuck that! mine had no cheese, and tons of lettuce and tomatoes, it also had pickles. i loveee pickles. but i didnt put a smidge of mayo on it. i love mayonnaise.
not the best picture. but they look like the same. but mine was so low in calories.


oh also i got a loaf of fresh baked jalapeno bread. i had a slice.
and i had some musk melon for dessert.

i hope once i weigh in tomorrow i'll be around 125.
im happy. i've finally got it together. :)
i can finally be thin.
:D

dah dah daa

havent weighed today. but today was successful i'd say. i mean i ate 800 calories, so probably a failure to many of you who are awesome. haha. but, im getting back on track. :)
and this was after "candy day" at school, and a night with my boyfriend with dinner and snacks. im so tired i dont wanna do anything. i had plans. say hey here, exercise, homework, then bed. but i cant. im getting through the first one. saying hey. and im about to pass out. i think i'll just get up an extra 25 minutes earlier, and get an extra bit of exercise in then, and i'll do my homework in study hall tomorrow in school.

so i think i've convinced my friends im too poor to eat lunch. which isnt 100% true. i went a few days without anything at lunch, a soda or otherwise, and it was sort of said that i didnt have money to buy lunch. which was true then. so i guess people thinking im poor is okay if it means i dont have to eat lunch. haha.

im so tired. i was sitting and watching the food network. i love the food net work so much. :)
its fun to watch these people make yummy food then it, so i dont have to. haha.

i dont feel thinner. my stomach like, doesnt growl anymore. idk. i didnt eat all day until a few pretzles. before and even after those pretzles i wasnt even hungry. its been like this for a few days. which is annyoing because i miss being hungry. and my stomach doesnt say "Im full" it just doesnt growl. im annoyed.

me and the boy had sexual relations today. it was awesome. its been a long time. haha.

well, im pooped. so im gonna hit the hay.
heres to a new start.
wish me luck! :)

wow. hey girls.

its been forever, seriously. i've got excuses. but it doesnt matter.
im 127 pounds. i eat a little for breakfast little lunch, then binge when i get home. thats how its been for a while now.
thats it really. im such a loser. my life really consists of nothing but stress. thats it. nothing fun or anything. gah.


so home coming is next week end. so i got a purple dress. and im upset, because i look huge. i honestly do. i need to fucking lose this weight. i feel like im not allowed to say that since i havent been trying. but i do. i need to lose it. fuckkkk fuck fuck.

anywho, i was shopping and i saw this sign, its a new brand thats out.





i think i need to start trying again. avoiding food, instead of suggesting situations to eat it.
start exercising, and starving.
fuck.
127. i havent lost weight in MONTHS. this is stupid. im stupid.

ive got all this fat coating my bones. i look bigger than i have in a while.
i think im more than 127. fuck me. im so pissed.

127

so this morning i was 127. :)
so stuffs doing good even though i havent had time to exercise. so once i dont have a fuck ton of homework just think how much weight i can lose. :) im excited.
although my goal for this week was 125 by friday, which is tomorrow. so i dont think that happened cause i had about 1,000 calories today, but i did purge. so idk.

anywho i havent seen my boy in quite a few days and saturday hes sleeping over! it'll be fun. :)

i cleaned today. it was nice actually. i feel clean now that the stuff around me is clean.

doing good, knock on wood

so my binges have been bad. like i've said in my last post. buttt, i have been getting it under control. yesterday i had a little over 800 calories, and today i had about 665 calories. i know you girls said eat breakfast, but sometimes i dont. yesterday i did, and today i didnt. im getting things under control. im going to weigh in on friday. hopefully at least down to 127 or 126. that would be nice. i havent exercised, like at all. but i've been freakishly busy. so i figure get my eating, or lack of, under control, then exercise.
my measurements are embarrassingly big. if i eat less than 800 calories, how long do you suppose till im down to 125. last friday i was 129. and i havent been exercising. do you think by next monday?

today was just a binge

thats all. i've been loving my weekends way too much. mozzarella sticks, chips, popcorn, french fries. gah. but im only 129. i mean thats not good at all. but better than 132 i guess.

gah. i gotta get going on this. i need to lose weight. what should i do? should i start out high-ish on calories then work my way down? because i sometimes eat breakfast, i eat some lunch at school, then im so hungry when i get home i binge so hard. fuck. im so ashamed. i have honestly failed ana. fuck me. i have never seen 123 on the scale. and i havent seen 126 in months. wtf?

gahhhh stressss

shits so hard! im so busy! crap loads of home work, and studying and everything. i havent been getting enough sleep, so i dont have enough energy, so i have to eat. usually like 1,200-1,500 calories a day. so at any given time 130.5 is my tops weight. so i need to get things under control, and sleep more. and eat less. i want to fast tomorrow, but new people sit and eat lunch around me, and they'll question. so idk. i'll try. im going to say i "forgot" my lunch, and that im not hungry anyways. it should be okay. :)ahhh but shittt, i just remembered we have this town festival called
"the big pig gig" but shits so expensive. so i dont think i'd eat there.

i got this!
haha.
and tomorrow is friday. im going to do my hour and 15 minute yoga tape. i think it'll relax me a lot. well, off to finish my spanish home work. hopefully see you soon.
sorry for the infrequent updates, schools hard! lol

evening ladies

today was better. not quite intake wise. but it wasnt bad. :) i had a nice day. exercised early in the day, maybe i'll do some more in a bit. idk. i exercised yesterday too. getting back on track. :)
im getting sick again. im not very healthy.
i was 129 this morning. thats so good. considering everything.
i may go take a bath. that would be fantastic, but i often just want to cry when all im doing is sitting there in my fatty dirty bath water. im not sure what im gonna do.

im super tired. so thats all. im gonna go then. :) im back guys. :D

wow. its seriously been so long.

i havent weighed myself in ages. and im bigger. i really am. i can feel it coating my bones. i havent been able to control my eating. im so depressed. and all i want to do is eat and sleep.

school as been lonely as fuck. and it makes me want to try everyday. i have no one in any classes and my boyfriend doesnt have the lunch hour i have. so i dont bring a lunch, then i sit in the bathroom and try not to cry because im so lonely. my boys been ignoring me for the most part. hes busy with his friends. i mean he answers my calls and such, but he doesnt spend time with me.

im just so sad and fucking hate every inch of myself. my body. my personality. my face. everything.

im sorry its been so long, as i said all ive been doing is eating and sleeping. i honestly thought this year would be like last school year. classes with friends, lunch with my favorite person, my boyfriend, and weight loss. but im just so sad, i cant.

sorry i havent updated, i havent even read your blogs. but dont worry, i love you all. and i'll try to post more often.

how are you all?

school today

school went well i suppose. classes werent very long because it was sorta a half day. so tomorrow is a full day. i left all my shit at school. i put it all in my locker and didnt really think i'd need anything. but since i didnt do my summer reading i was supposed to bring my book home to finish it by friday. and i didnt. shittttt. so i went back to school to see if i could get in, but they wouldnt let me, cause kids are supposed to be gone by 3:20. wtf. so what? your there, just let me in.
fuckkkkk. so im stressing about that.

i had subway. i fucking love subway. :) 430 calories for a foot long sub. deliciousss. lol.

i think i might draw a picture.

i bought some shoes off line, and i got them today, but i guess they run small. cause every shoe i own is an 8. and the fit fine. but these are an 8. and dont fit. idk. i need to return them i suppose, but problem is... how the fuck do you return something when its from the internet! shittt. lol

anyone know?

school tomorrow

tomorrow is my first day of school. its only a half day, i dunno why. stuffs good. sorry i havent updated in a long time. i've been lazy i guess. playing a lot of wii, and organizing my school supplies.
i've been spending a lot of time with my boy. its been lovely.

128 pounds. not much new. went grocery shopping, bought tons of veggies and jello. and there was a sale on soda. so i got four cases of diet soda for only nine dollars. :O
haha.

how are you guys?

hey ladies and possibly gentlemen

things have started to even out. just, in general. your comments really helped me. honestly. so thank you so much. my weight isnt too down. 128 as of yesterday. so that 135 was more because my body was gorged with food. like seriously. if i had had seams, they would have been bursting. i did decent the past few days. but today not so well. my boys mom has been in englad and she just got back. shes such a sweetie. she brought me back socks and earrings, and candy. and she had shortbread cookies from england. she has commented in the past about how she thinks i dont eat enough (when i lost like 15 pounds, not now that im a fat pig). and i didnt want to be rude since she bought them. so i ate them. so im just, not going to total my days calories. because i did fine up until the 280 calorie candybar and 100 calorie cookie, and so on. soo.. yeah.

i feel like im barely hanging in there. like im relying so much on school starting to lose weight. and i know it will help. but i hope it actually does help. like, what if its still this hard. it didnt used to be hard. and that WAS during school. but then summer came and the weight loss stopped. and its gotten hard. i think its easier for me to lose weight during the winter school year. so, what ever. i am not making up excuses to eat like shit now. im not, i swear.

i've been having very very bad dreams. so i was reading on what your dreams mean. and it just makes me sad. im not close to my dad at all. and i had a dream about him last night, and he was like "i love you." and i couldnt say it back and then he started to cry and said "please... why cant you say it back?" it may not sound like much but it was terrible. and i miss him so goddamn much. i miss being a family. living with my mommy and daddy. my grandma keeps accidentally referring to my grandpa as my "dad". she be like "go ask your dad..." and stuff like that. i cant take this. im still a kid. i am. being younger than 18 makes me a kid still.
i just, i feel... broken.
i do. i feel like there is nothing. and i mean i know there is. like i have my health (whatever), and i have a roof over my head. and all that shit. but its bad. im sad most of the time. and i have this feeling that i cant explain. i guess broken is as close as its gonna come to putting a name to this feeling.
i actually woke up crying today. like bawling hysterically. and i live with my grandma, and all i wanted was my mom. so i called her, and she drove over here. and just sat with me. thats all. and it made me happy. isnt that sad? that i see my mom that often that it makes me happy to have her just sit next to me, not even talking.
i feel like i cant do this anymore. live the way im living. and by NO means am i gonna end my life, i couldnt. im too afraid of dying. im just saying something in my life needs to change. i need some one to love me and put all the pieces back together.


okay, im so sorry that was so long. i just needed to vent. love you all. have a nice night.

annie.

i dont even know anymore

in the longest fucking time my weight as not got above 131. it did today. i mean i was fully clothed. but thats a cheap excuse. i need help girls. everything as seemed different since one specific date in time when i had the worst panic attack ever. i got high. and it was a baddddd trip. and it hurt so bad. like it hurt my chest and my head, and everything. and since then everything has been weird. like everything, i dont know how many calories i've been eating, i cant sleep, and even sex with my boyfriend doesnt feel good. and i just cant seem to focus. i've lost my way. so i need help.

how many calories should i eat a day. i mean i know thats a stupid question. but how many? should i eat breakfast? gah. this is stupid.

what is considered a binge? i really dont know anymore. in all seriousness.

and i've come to realize i have started to fear pain. of any sort. i cant purge anymore. because i dont want it to hurt. i dont exercise too hard because i dont want to be sore. and im ashamed of this. but its true. i used to love the pain. but im so scared of it.

and i cant focus anymore. i just want to be thin. today, i ate so much. so so so much. just all day. what ever i wanted. all day. and about half an hour ago i weighed myself and i was 136. i dont feel this is possible. but i have eaten all fucking day. and didnt exercise yesterday or today. i dont know what to do.

im not sure what you can do to help. advice would be nice. how do you go about your day? i just need to know how to get back into the rhythm of ana. please.

nothing new

i start school very soon. im so nervous. i dont look nearly as thin as i wanted to be. but i did leave last year being much bigger than i am now. so i suppose i do look better.
school helps me lose weight, because you cant snack all day. im not sure how things will go. im down in inches. my arms are almost only nine inches, my hips are 34, my waist is 26.5, so things are getting better. im seriously doubting myself though. the way i cant get down past 125 pounds, i dont think i ever will be able too. what do i need to do? crap. once school starts lets see how stuff goes with my weight. if i can get it down to like 122, or 123 then i'll start to believe in my self again.

i think im looking forward to school. its exactly the structure i need in my life. i feel like during school, loosing weight is just like home work, something that needs to be done. so i think i can do it. and that gives me hope.

i had a muffin and a glass of milk today. im at 200 calories so far. im going to the mall later, but i dont have much money so food isnt an option. haha.

thats about all.
i guess i'll update later. :)

it feels so good

one-hundred twenty-six pounds. my muscles are sore. and im sweaty. i feel fantastic. and thanks girls for the comments. your super supportive Kitty and Mrs. Skeleton Strong. and Skeleton Strong, i really really appreciate the advice. :) its very helpful. i used to be so happy, and very interested, and good at, art. and i think im going to take that up again. so thanks.

yesterday went very very well. ended up not too bad calorie wise. today was worse, but not very great. i exercised both days, its awesome.

i got a new tooth brush, its fantastic. brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things. in case you dont know, i take GREAT pride in my teeth. i didnt have braces for nearly four years for nothing.

im gonna shave my legs tomorrow. it'll be nice. lol. i've waited too long.

also, tomorrow i have a pizza date with the boy. so i'll exercise very hard, and eat two pieces tops. everything should go well. :)

i got the cutest pair of jeans! and i realize, threes are too small, and fives are too big. but pants here dont come in fours. so i guess im a four. but the jeans i bought are a five. makes me feel fat. but they're real cute blue jeans. :)

how are you doing?

its been a while!

im very sorry guys. i've just been so fucking depressed. only sleeping and eating. and the other day i flipped out, and i finally realized its about time to get back on track. i had sort of a wake up call. 130 pounds. waist 29 inches, hips 35 inches. fucking shit shit fuck fuck. so. i got this now. i cannot and will not be fat. i've eaten 90 calories today. a yogurt and a jello. and i already exercised. burned at least 200 calories. i can do this. i will do this.

i have not been reading blogs. im sorry. i'll catch up though! dont fret. :)
in factttt, i'll go do that now!

quickly

i just wanted to say hey, im still here and alive! lol. i slept at the boys house. came home and fed the cats. didnt eat to bad today, but i did have a big bread roll. shouldnt have but i did. i didnt sleep more than 4 hours last night so im going to go read my Cosmopolitan and then take a nap. :)

hope your doing well.
love you guys.
31 followers!
:D
<3

oh, and i wanted to thank all of you so much for you comments. it makes me so happy to know someone cares. :) you guys are just, so wonderful to me! i love it! its a fantastic feeling, to feel like some one can give you their honest opinion, and still love you. so thanks guys, really. :) you bring a smile to my face.

neglecting

so since my kidneys hurt i did nothing. but then my appetite came back and i still did nothing, nothing but eat. so im very upset. the scale is at 130 pounds. oh. my. fucking. god.
but im trying to take a breath. because i KNOW i will get it under control. but i have been really sick. and i just, needed to eat i guess. so i dont care, for the time being. im really hating my body. but i am still sick. so im sorta just, eah. trying to not flip out. i havent even been eating shit. ive just been eating. so i will get it under control. so it will be okay, right?
i just need to stop hurting to exercise and such.
is this understandable, or am i just being a fat cow?
honesty please.

i have 30 followers. :) love all you guys!

i had a very very rough night. me and my boy had a fight. like, not like yelling or i hate you, or i'll leave you. but he said, some... very very hurtful things to me. and i couldnt even retaliate. i couldnt. he gave me a panic attack. and i couldnt stop crying. i have bags under my eyes today. :/

i dont know. im fat, and im sad. what a bad time!

new followers! :D happy day

i dont want to talk about food. or how much i hate myself. so im going to tell you about me.

hello, my name is Annie Marie and i plan to marry my boy. his name is Dominic. :) he gave me a promise ring. im not nearly old enough to get married. but that doesnt matter.
i live with my grandparents because my real mom and dad are divorced, and i much rater prefer to live here. i have a sister and a brother, they live between my parents. i live in the loft above my grandmas garage. it is seriously really nice and its like a little apartment. alcoholics run in the family, so i try not to drink. i do smoke some, but other wise when im high i usually end up crying in my room. im still in high school, and im a straight A honors student. but sometimes the pressure of everything is too much. i used to cut. but my boy made me promise i'd stop. so i do my best. i have ADHD and depression, i used to be medicated, but im not right now. im getting back on things though. i seriously was fat. and im ashamed. im so scared that i'll never be happy, with myself mostly. i know its kind of contradicting but i cannot wait to get pregnant, i cant wait till i feel a baby growing in side of me. and to feel beautiful for growing bigger.
oh, and i have two beautiful kittens! they are a very small breed. so they'll always look sorta like kittens. butttt they are almost a year old now! :D i love them. and since i live pretty much alone up in this loft, it gets scary, especially since im afraid of the dark. so they protect me. :)


so there you have it! :D

girls i dont know

im so sick. i have a kidney infect, a sinus infection, and a fever of over 100. so im not sure how often i'll be updating. im so sorry. my home scale said 125, the doctors later on in the day said 130. i dont care. i hurt to bad to care. i have an ultrasound tomorrow, for my kidneys.
i cant keep anything down. even like water. i just puke and puke. and when its only water, just dry heaving. it hurts.
this is a terrible time. with killer migraines. im trying to eat some soup now. i also have a little treat, a diet sprite. im not sure about this though.

anywho, i have not forgot about you guys. i just, havent had a chance to get on here.
my boy is going to come have a sleep over with me. so i dont have to be alone. how sweet is he.

i'll catch up and your blogs. and hopefully comment. :)

smile.

eah

im too tired for anything really.
i know, excuses excuses.

went to state fair today. didnt do great. didnt do terrible.

im so exhausted. i just need to go to bed.
i hope you're all doing well.

:)
much love.

hello

i see i have a few new followers. :D cool beans.

i went through my room today, and found shit tons of old pictures. i was fat. way to ruin good memories.

i had a small bowl of cereal, and one baby carrot so far today.

i have a swim test tonight at 7:00. then tomorrow at 3 im going to the state fair, it has rides and such.
im super nervous about the swim test. its to see if i can handle being a life guard.
you guys saw the suite i have, the yellow one that i posted pics of. i dont want to have to wear that in front of everyone! :( maybe they'll let me wear like a tank top and shorts. do you think? or is that unprofessional? it'll probably weigh me down. gahh, i dont know what to do. im so nervous.

im not sure about today. im too lazy to exercise, i know. im too lazy for anything, but eating. im ashamed.
but i'll probably eat today, a lot more than i should.

one; i just want to eat.
two; my brain is telling my body its okay, you need energy to swim later.

bullshit.

thats it i suppose. i think i'll have some baked tortilla chips with beans. sooo, yeah, it'll probably stop there. and if it doesnt then i'll have a grilled cheese. so yes.

hope you guys are doing better than i am.

you are beautiful. you really are.

im very sorry

i've been gone for a while. i've been super super sick. and i've done nothing. like, nothing. so im very sorry!! i noticed i had 25 followers, but today i have 24! D:
im sorry to who ever decided not to follow me anymore.

im 125 pounds as of this morning. which is awesome considered how much ice cream i've eaten lately.

i went to the therapist the other day, for the first time. and i guess i have depression, and ADHD. :O
sooo, im probably going to get medication. i was on anti depressants once but i gained four pounds and quit that shit. so if it happens this time im not sure.
maybe it'll even out, like ADHD shit sometimes makes you not hungrryyy.

i dont even know. i guess we will see what happens.

im sorry i was gone for a while, im glad you guys still stuck with me. :)


ohhh, and i got my boyfriend sick too! he came over to be niceeee and he even gave me kisses. now hes sick. :( poor boy, that was really nice of him though.

i guess thats all really. :)
have a nice day.

its been a few days

i havent posted in a few days. i dont know, i didnt get lazy, i did log on and read your guises blogs, i just felt i had nothing to say.
but i do have 2 new followers! yay for friends! :P
my weight always jumps everywhere, but lately its been going down.
it was 129, then 127, then 126.5 and today it was 125.5. so idk. good? i havent been eating like complete shit. i dont eat all day, then get hungry and eat dinner. sooo not too bad. i feel like i've been doing better than i have in a while.

i've been so happy. i havent been looking at myself naked in the mirror, i have been worrying about my body as usual, but i've been pretending its not there. so, i just feel not as shitty all day. and my boy has been in such a good mood this whole week. and i just feel wonderful. :)

sorry i didnt post for a couple days. idk.
im very tired. its 1 in the morning here.
i'll most likely post tomorrow. :)

stay beautiful!