things have started to even out. just, in general. your comments really helped me. honestly. so thank you so much. my weight isnt too down. 128 as of yesterday. so that 135 was more because my body was gorged with food. like seriously. if i had had seams, they would have been bursting. i did decent the past few days. but today not so well. my boys mom has been in englad and she just got back. shes such a sweetie. she brought me back socks and earrings, and candy. and she had shortbread cookies from england. she has commented in the past about how she thinks i dont eat enough (when i lost like 15 pounds, not now that im a fat pig). and i didnt want to be rude since she bought them. so i ate them. so im just, not going to total my days calories. because i did fine up until the 280 calorie candybar and 100 calorie cookie, and so on. soo.. yeah.
i feel like im barely hanging in there. like im relying so much on school starting to lose weight. and i know it will help. but i hope it actually does help. like, what if its still this hard. it didnt used to be hard. and that WAS during school. but then summer came and the weight loss stopped. and its gotten hard. i think its easier for me to lose weight during the winter school year. so, what ever. i am not making up excuses to eat like shit now. im not, i swear.
i've been having very very bad dreams. so i was reading on what your dreams mean. and it just makes me sad. im not close to my dad at all. and i had a dream about him last night, and he was like "i love you." and i couldnt say it back and then he started to cry and said "please... why cant you say it back?" it may not sound like much but it was terrible. and i miss him so goddamn much. i miss being a family. living with my mommy and daddy. my grandma keeps accidentally referring to my grandpa as my "dad". she be like "go ask your dad..." and stuff like that. i cant take this. im still a kid. i am. being younger than 18 makes me a kid still.
i just, i feel... broken.
i do. i feel like there is nothing. and i mean i know there is. like i have my health (whatever), and i have a roof over my head. and all that shit. but its bad. im sad most of the time. and i have this feeling that i cant explain. i guess broken is as close as its gonna come to putting a name to this feeling.
i actually woke up crying today. like bawling hysterically. and i live with my grandma, and all i wanted was my mom. so i called her, and she drove over here. and just sat with me. thats all. and it made me happy. isnt that sad? that i see my mom that often that it makes me happy to have her just sit next to me, not even talking.
i feel like i cant do this anymore. live the way im living. and by NO means am i gonna end my life, i couldnt. im too afraid of dying. im just saying something in my life needs to change. i need some one to love me and put all the pieces back together.
okay, im so sorry that was so long. i just needed to vent. love you all. have a nice night.
annie.
dont worry, everyone goes through the plateau of weightloss where losing weight seems 100 times harder. i love your strong attitude.
ReplyDeletei get sad like that too. i never see my mother sadly but when i used to i would just be happy to see her, sometimes it seemed so unreal that i'd make sure she was breathing and listen to her heart pound. it never felt real.
i hope you feel better soon and thank you for the awesome comment <3
Hang in there! Life gets hard sometimes but you can be the one to make that change you want. Even if its something small to start with, like making an effort with your appearance or listening to a song that makes you happy, getting outside, exercising, whatever works for you. Small things can make a difference in the way you think and choices you make in your life. Stay strong. All the best x
ReplyDeletei hope you're okay.. posts something to tell us how you;ve been :)
ReplyDeletehoping to hear from you again!
xx