bad dream

i had a very bad dream last night.
i mostly just remember the feelings. it was terrible.
from what i can recall, i was being cornered by my family for being "anorexic" they said they knew everything, and that i needed help because i had gotten too thin. i didnt even know they knew, and i was crying and screaming, and telling them i didnt have a problem. and they told me there was no use fighting. there were hands and bodies everywhere, holding me against my will, taking me against my will. all the while i was screaming and crying.

so that was my dream. it was terribly real.
i feel like that could happen when my mom gets out of jail.
i live with my grandma, and she doesnt even suspect a thing. but before my mother went to jail she told me "annie... you're getting too thin". and she asked my grandma "has she been eating?" and of course my grandma said "of course! oh of course, nothings wrong" because i always make a point to eat in front of her. but im scared.

im feeling like something going to happen.

as long as i get to 110 before something happenes. i feel like 124 is too big to have an eating disorder. i dont even think i do. i dont know do i? i've never been diagnosed, who decides if i have an eating disorder?
im not thin enough to have an eating disorder. but once i get thinner, i'll let you guys know. :)

i was starting 246, but i ended up eating two browines that brought my total to like 600 something. so i think i'll just try to keep it under 500 after exercise.

im hoping to be 120-118 by the end of december. after my mini binge of chips today, i weighed RIGHT after, and i was 124.5. so i think im still like 123.

do you guys ever have terrible dreams like that? that someone will find our your secrets?
whens the last time you had a nightmare?

im very tired. time to start homework. then go to bed. i'll see yah. :)