depression

i was diagnosed with depression, and i have sever social anxiety.
i took medication for a while. until i felt better, then i stopped. i cant get a refill until i talk to someone again. and i cant. they judge me. i know they do. they ask whats wrong, but they honestly could care fucking less. which isnt fair. i've seen many people, and i havent felt like ONE didnt judge me. but then again, i also hate shopping because i also KNOW the people who are scanning my items are thinking about why i bought what i bought, ultimately, judging me.
i dont know.
my mother has a lot of mental health problems, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. and the agoraphobia is hereditary. i think i might have it. i cannot talk on the phone. i cannot order my dinner at a restaurant. i hate being alone in big places.


i keep having this deja vu that someone i know is going to find this, or i'll forget to clear the history on my computer, and my life is fucking ruined. i've had dreams about it too. that my life gets RUINED. that everything falls to shit. that everyone is disappointed in me and that my boyfriend wont be with me because i kept this secret from him. im so scared.

i havent been sleeping. and i get up at 6 every morning for school. so this is shit. i got four hours of sleep, then had to sit through 8 hours of honors classes, then i had to find a ride home from school, which i didnt have. and i almost had to walk the nearly 10 miles to my house, in the freezing cold, wearing a dress.

i just feel like everything is so shitty.

ive been crying a lot. that goes along with the whole, i cant sleep thing.
i have this crushing pain in my chest. not physically, like i have a bruise, or i got hit.
but like, inside of me, just hurts so much. its hard to explain. i think im depressed.

im 123 today. i weighed after i had eaten around 400 calories. my goal was 120 by tomorrow, my birthday. im sorry i disappointed you guys. i did end up losing five pounds though.
so not all bad.

im so tired. but im not even half way done with home work due at 7 am tomorrow. then i get to sit through a whole day of people expecting me to be happy and smiley because im another year closer to fucking death.

thats one of my biggest fears. dying. its so weird to think about. its not a fear like being afraid of the dark. its a saddening fear, that will come true, at anytime anywhere during my life. and i havent accomplished anything, and i dont think i will.

i have this yearning to be something. i dont know what. but i feel like i was born to do something special, to be some special. i feel like im missing my chance. i feel like im keeping a secret from my self. like i know what i have to do, i know what will make me special before i die. but i wont tell my self. i dont know. this is stupid. its also hard to explain.

i feel like im better than everyone i meet. not you girls. you girls are different. but the kids at school, just everyone. i feel like they dont feel the same i do. they dont have this feeling deep inside them, that they HAVE to find out what is expected of their life to achieve greatness. do you ladies feel it? is it normal? maybe im greedy. maybe im conceited, thinking im better than so many other people. i guess i am. but i dont care. i know im destined to do something. to be someone. and i feel like i should get what i want. i know THATS conceited. but i feel like its true.

i stole my current boyfriend from his girl friend, because i wanted him, and i get what i want.
but i think its a false feeling. because i feel like (referring to my last couple of posts about gerard and frank) if i want to have sex with frank iero or gerard way that it will happen. i feel like im different in the way that i should always be right, always get what i want.

i only get that greedy "i should get what i want" feeling sometimes. but its been really strong lately.

im so selfish.

i yelled at my sister for not buying me what i wanted for my birthday. she just turned 13, i was too hard on her. and i feel terrible.

i turn 16 tomorrow. i dont know what im expecting. i guess im expecting a thousand "happy birthday's" and cards and gifts. why? i dont know. i feel like im supposed to be popular. have all the guys. god. i sound so fucking dumb.
but what ever. i felt i needed to share this with you.

thank you for all your kind words on my last post. about my pictures and things. :)
i really appreciate it.

im feel bad.
i really really want to cut. and i dont know what to do. because i PROMISED my boyfriend i wouldnt do it again. and i've broken that promise about three times in two and a half years. and he always finds out. and hes always sad, then i repromise, just to break it again.

i always break my promises.

im such a terrible person.
im so sorry.

i love you all so much. and i appreciate all of your lives, and i sympathies with all of your struggles. thanks for sticking with me.
and im sorry this post was such bull shit.

i love you.
have a nice night.
get some sleep for me. thanks.