Thursday, April 19, 2012

burn baby burn

about to go exercise. i told myself i didnt have to do it till eight. and here we are at 7:54 and i gotta go do it soon. it doesnt take long. only like 35 minutes, and once i start it seems like 15 minutes, its just the going and starting it that sucks. i looked back through my blog. its crazy how i can be my own inspiration at this point. i was so thin! ahh! so i know i can do it again. but last time it took a very long time to lose twenty pounds. like a year plus some months. then we gotta keep it off. ugh. it really is a life commitment, being thin that is. eating right. exercising. struggling. binging. purging. never ending really.

im about 139 today. i was 142 on monday. still not getting my hopes up. i tried on the prom dress i bought. im not sure i like it. im still too big to wear it. my loves handles show a lot. its pretty flattering on my stomach, but those damn love handles. i have the worst muffin top. im about to get control top panty hose for prom. so that its all smooth. i dont want to look back on the pictures and hate myself, you know? even if its a false smooth, i dont want to hate myself that day. hopefully i'll be at least 130 by then. that means my thighs maybe wont touch, and my love handles wont be quite so big.

ate two strawberries this morning. nothing for lunch. around 6:00 i had some broth with carrots and some noodles. ate a tootsie roll and two mini cookies from a 100 calorie pack. but then i purged that. soo... im at what? around two hundred calories? give or take. the soup was probably 200 in itself, then maybe 50 for the tootsie roll and two mini cookies. then i purged. so we'll call it 200.

well its eight oclock. i'll have to talk to you girls tomorrow!

i can do it this time! :)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

shame and bitterness

ive lost it. lost my mind 100%. more than that. i let go. no ana no rules. just induldging. i am back to my starting weight ladies. one hundred fourty two pounds and god how big this is. prom is coming up. what a fucking time to get fat. started back up with jillian's exercise tapes. have yet to eat... lets see... under 1,000 calories for the day. youd be horified if you watched me go through a day.

my boyfriend weighed himself today. 149 pounds. i only weigh seven pounds less. at one point i would have been around TWENTY SIX POUNDS LIGHTER than him. i am a fucking monster. im going to do it again. i did it once. i can do it. i had such dedication though. i was a champion. 300 calories a day i was doing back in my 15 year old days. but here i am, nearly 18, unable to control my eating.

i nearly lost it when i took pictures the other day. i honestly was taking new "start" pictures. ughhh. and i dont self harm anymore, so theres nothing to do with my frustrations and i end up eating! never fucking ending cycle.

well started exercising again. gonna eat no more than 500 calories a day. i could kill myself knowing im not even in the 130's. how did i slip up so badly? ugh.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

body issues

so my hate for my body is getting in the way of being with my boy. it upsets him when i dont eat lunch. when i dont wanna get naked to mess around. and his favorite postion is girl on top, and i cant do that for him. its too exposing. i dont know what to do. i guess get in shape. but even that wont fix my confidence level.

rugby starts real soon im excited. still havent started working out really. but its really because im so busy. i work so often and for such long periods and then i have home work, im just so run down.

i got 10 pills of adderal from this kid at school. they're fucking awesome. i wishhhh i had a perscription. they focus my mind, and make me happier, and make me not wanna eat. perfect combo! haha

ive been geting crazzzyy headaches. not sure what from exactly. i think im gonna get my glasses perscription rechecked, that could be why.

anyways im gonna try to sleep. i work tomorrow for about 6 hours right after i finish with my 8 hours of school. ugh. catch up soon. and im trying to make more time for blogging. love you girls :) talk to you soon hopefully.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

holy fuck! is it really me! :O

hey ladies. first post of 2012 and were nearly into the second month here. im sorry. like genuinely. you are all so supporting, and i feel like i've neglected you. man i've got some reading to do, dont i? haha. i need to get a new laptop. this one is so fucking slow, and is not reliable. i got a job i dont know if i told you that. havent made too much money. i've got probably 800 dollars to my name though. so i suppose since i have a car a laptop is next on my list. tomorrow i work from four till nine thirty. and i was going to stop at target after work and buy a scale and the exercise dvd that was helping me so much, that i fucking lost. its only like nine dollars and a scale wont be more than twenty. so thats not bad at all.
rugby starts up in march and i am NOOOO SHAPE to be playing. i gotta lose about ten pounds, and tighten up and raise my endurance. so thats the plan. though i have a hard time sticking to my own plans. ideas girls? i've been outta the game for so long. how much should i eat a day? how many calories should i burn thorough exercise?
on a side note i met this boy. and were pretty much dating. though we havent made it offical. but on the downside i've been getting criticized by everyone because his ex girl friend is bitter and jealous that im with him. so shes telling everyone im a whore and that he has a small dick. what? hahah. girls are so dumb sometimes. the funny thing is that since shes a "popular girl" everyone believes her. i guess its whatever.
my goal is to be 125 for rugby. so ten pounds in a month. if i was good at sticking to things it'd be no problem, but since im so shitty it probably wont happen. hopefully i can surprise myself.
i'll update. probably. yes. i will. i need to start talking about my life again. i pretty much have no one. like no body. and its hard.
i love you all. i forever will.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tuesday Evening

lo sieto my loves. its been a while, again. i get lazy. hahha.

so i started fasting. the last time i ate was sometime sunday evening. i know its only tuesday, so not like a huge deal. but i still havent eaten. i suppose i have been "cheating" though. i had a bowl of broth yesterday and two candy canes today. other wise, im doing great. been drinking a lot of juice, and diet coke. i was 131 yesterday, and today im 129.5, so seeing some progress. i took a picture for you guys, myself really, after my shower today.

also, i have sort of a problem. i self harm, you know that, whatever. thats not the problem. i burned myself the other day... and its crazy infected. least i think so, imma show you, and im sorry that you have to see my scars and such, i just need to know what i should do. what do you think i should do? is it really infected?

im gonna start working out again. i gave up on that for a while. and i convinced my self i shouldnt feel bad about not exercising since i was maintaining 131. but my tummy is pudgy. so its time to tone it up. what should i do do you think? what are your favorite ways to tone up a tummy?

also, my birthday is on thursdayyyy. :D

Friday, November 11, 2011

paniccc! :D

meeting panic! was the best experience of my life. :D
i posted an ass load of pictures on facebook, and on my tumblr.
they were so wonderful, and nice, and handsome! :D
i geeked so hard.
i was front row dead center, on the barricade. it was awesome. could not have been closer. the first picture is of how many people were there. my ribs and sternum got bruised from being pushed so hard against the barricade.
i took an assload of videos. i uploaded them to youtube. so i'll link them here. it was great! :DD

so i've been away for a few days. im lazy. haha.
i havent eaten very well the past two days. but i havent really gained that i've noticed. i'll get back on track no worries.

well this is just a quick update, since i wanna lay down and watch spongebob. lol.

just took a shower and shaved my legs. i feel great haha.

havin' a "party" tomorrow after work. i hope tyler will come. doubt it though. regardless, i'll probably drunk text him. haha.

by the way i dunno if i have mentioned recently but theres this boy who i like. his name is Greg. and he is just the cutest thing ever. and he always smells sooo goddamn good. and he has this habit of biting his lip while hes talking to me, and it just makes me meltttt. and he has blue eyes. and a super deep voice, but in a sexy way. its fantastic. hes fantastic. one catch, he has a girl friend. and we were talking one day about how "im a home wrecker" and he told me, his exact words, "dont wreck my home" dammmnnn!! hahaha. i was like "woah dude. rejected? hahah" i was just surprised he said that, and put it that way.

thats about it i suppose. i'll up date soon again. :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

party time

thanks everyone for the wishes of fun. :)
and thanks rachael for the advice on the stye. its gone now actually. :)
and i bet you look fine swimming. haha.

so yesterday i had people over and we all got super drunk. tyler came over dude! i invited people he knew, then he texted me saying "heard youre having people over" and he cammmmee. :D
he ended up leaving with some sober people because they convinced him his bed was a better idea. gahhh. he coulda slept in my queen size bed with me. oh but this girl jessi was there with me. jessi and i were in my room with the lights off just chillin' and tyler comes in. jokes about a threesome, and me and jessi are like "dude. we'd totally have a threesome with you" and he was like "what? really?" but we didnt do that. lol. but we had a three way make out. lmao. it was fun. im not bi or lesbian or anything but jessi is cute as fuck. :)
oh then this morning i got to clean up my house. and right now i have a bag full of empty liquor bottles, and empty glass beer bottles. and i dont know what to do with them. like, i cant just recycle them. because my grandpa goes though it to make sure its all separated right or whatever. so idk what to do. it'd be easy if it were like five bottles. but its a lot. lmao.
oh and my best friend kelly told me she loves hugging me because im thin and curvy. lol.

took a picture this morning of what i look like. i feel bloated from all the alcohol though. so im not that nice looking. whateves.

though i look big, i feel like im making progress. i'll get there for sure. :)

i havent eaten anything yet today <3 hopefully today will be great.
well i have a really bad headache. so i might just try to sleep.
see yah ladies.