Tuesday Evening

lo sieto my loves. its been a while, again. i get lazy. hahha.

so i started fasting. the last time i ate was sometime sunday evening. i know its only tuesday, so not like a huge deal. but i still havent eaten. i suppose i have been "cheating" though. i had a bowl of broth yesterday and two candy canes today. other wise, im doing great. been drinking a lot of juice, and diet coke. i was 131 yesterday, and today im 129.5, so seeing some progress. i took a picture for you guys, myself really, after my shower today.

also, i have sort of a problem. i self harm, you know that, whatever. thats not the problem. i burned myself the other day... and its crazy infected. least i think so, imma show you, and im sorry that you have to see my scars and such, i just need to know what i should do. what do you think i should do? is it really infected?

im gonna start working out again. i gave up on that for a while. and i convinced my self i shouldnt feel bad about not exercising since i was maintaining 131. but my tummy is pudgy. so its time to tone it up. what should i do do you think? what are your favorite ways to tone up a tummy?

also, my birthday is on thursdayyyy. :D

paniccc! :D

meeting panic! was the best experience of my life. :D

i posted an ass load of pictures on facebook, and on my tumblr.

they were so wonderful, and nice, and handsome! :D

i geeked so hard.

i was front row dead center, on the barricade. it was awesome. could not have been closer. the first picture is of how many people were there. my ribs and sternum got bruised from being pushed so hard against the barricade.

i took an assload of videos. i uploaded them to youtube. so i'll link them here. it was great! :DD

so i've been away for a few days. im lazy. haha.

i havent eaten very well the past two days. but i havent really gained that i've noticed. i'll get back on track no worries.

well this is just a quick update, since i wanna lay down and watch spongebob. lol.

just took a shower and shaved my legs. i feel great haha.

havin' a "party" tomorrow after work. i hope tyler will come. doubt it though. regardless, i'll probably drunk text him. haha.

by the way i dunno if i have mentioned recently but theres this boy who i like. his name is Greg. and he is just the cutest thing ever. and he always smells sooo goddamn good. and he has this habit of biting his lip while hes talking to me, and it just makes me meltttt. and he has blue eyes. and a super deep voice, but in a sexy way. its fantastic. hes fantastic. one catch, he has a girl friend. and we were talking one day about how "im a home wrecker" and he told me, his exact words, "dont wreck my home" dammmnnn!! hahaha. i was like "woah dude. rejected? hahah" i was just surprised he said that, and put it that way.

thats about it i suppose. i'll up date soon again. :)

party time

thanks everyone for the wishes of fun. :)

and thanks rachael for the advice on the stye. its gone now actually. :)

and i bet you look fine swimming. haha.

so yesterday i had people over and we all got super drunk. tyler came over dude! i invited people he knew, then he texted me saying "heard youre having people over" and he cammmmee. :D

he ended up leaving with some sober people because they convinced him his bed was a better idea. gahhh. he coulda slept in my queen size bed with me. oh but this girl jessi was there with me. jessi and i were in my room with the lights off just chillin' and tyler comes in. jokes about a threesome, and me and jessi are like "dude. we'd totally have a threesome with you" and he was like "what? really?" but we didnt do that. lol. but we had a three way make out. lmao. it was fun. im not bi or lesbian or anything but jessi is cute as fuck. :)

oh then this morning i got to clean up my house. and right now i have a bag full of empty liquor bottles, and empty glass beer bottles. and i dont know what to do with them. like, i cant just recycle them. because my grandpa goes though it to make sure its all separated right or whatever. so idk what to do. it'd be easy if it were like five bottles. but its a lot. lmao.

oh and my best friend kelly told me she loves hugging me because im thin and curvy. lol.

took a picture this morning of what i look like. i feel bloated from all the alcohol though. so im not that nice looking. whateves.

though i look big, i feel like im making progress. i'll get there for sure. :)

i havent eaten anything yet today <3 hopefully today will be great.

well i have a really bad headache. so i might just try to sleep.

see yah ladies.

you are so awesome it hurts

so guyyysss. tuesday november 8th i get to see panic! at the disco for the fifth time. but this time will be different. i'll still be font row. still get there five hours early (im a little nuts), but this time i get to meet them. i have the pleasure of meeting brendon urie, spencer smith, dallon weeks, and ian crowford of panic! at the disco. :DDD i get a picture and autographsss. im so excited. so i made them all bracelets. you all know that bracelets are my thing. i have a ton, and i make a ton. so im hoping they'll wear them, if not keep them and remember me. :)

im so excited.

so today wasnt that bad. i had a browine, a muffin, and rice cripsy square at this school event. i had orange juice for breakfast, at lunch i had some chips (couldnt help it), came home had an egg a handful of chips... ummmm. i think thats it. i drank a lot of diet coke today. today wasnt anywhere near good. but not that bad.

i have a stye in my eye. i dont even know how to spell it. its a bump on the inside of my lower lid. it hurts a lot, is swollen, and i look ugly.

been swimming every morning zero hour at school for 45 minutes. its cold and sucks. but super tiring. good exercise to start my day, and it wakes me up.

guys, anyone watch dexter? cause im shitting my pants. i love it soooo muchhhh! so much. damn. im on episode three of season six, and he just dropped all his slides. i feel anxiety and ocd towards that, and it upsets me that the order is mixed up and all that. damnnn. im addicted.

well, im tired. and watching family guy. i love all my new followers on tumblr. thanks if you followed me. :)

see yah soon loves.

but wishes of course, are for children.

back again! follow me on tumblr encounterswithana.tumblr.com

halloween was fun. i forgot to tell you guys that i was a skeleton. if only i was nearly bones every day.

like it? :) it was a ton of fun.

so i ate not bad per say. but surely not like i should have. i purged though. then i showered. and i pretty much weigh before i shower always. you know, perfect opportunity, all naked and stuff. haha. but anyways im at 130.5, i think i feel like im further than i am. just think, i was 122. only like eight pounds away. holy shit! i could maybe be 122 or lower by my birthday! i have to do this ladies. my ultimate birthday present to myself would be to be 117 pounds. unrealistic i feel though. so i'll try my best. i think thats what i need. "trying my best" not worrying if i dont make exactly what i wanted, progress is progress.

ohhhh! i got a job too! my first job everrr. exciting right? its at a pizza place. haha. im a waitress. :)

and thanks for all your love and welcome on account of me being back. much love to you ladies. :)

thats it. :) think thin loves. look at some thinspo.

byeee.

didnt expect to see me, did you?

hey girls. im not sure why i stopped blogging. got real antisocial for a while. im at about 132 pounds. so not much has changed. i got to pretty much have the best night of my life with Tyler. if you guys remember who that is anyways.

i feel like i've accomplished a lot lately. though i dont know what to tell you all. im a rugby player. thats new. we one first place at our state game. it was a proud moment.

i've recently been addicted to tumblr. so i made one for my blog here. i decided after seeing all the beautiful thin women on tumblr, and all around the world really, anywhere, that im going to give an honest effort to try again.

i was taking vyvanse for a while actually. showed this kid my boobs, he gave me 10 pills. they are fucking wonderful. you dont wanna eat AT ALL. its so great. but now i cant seem to find more. this other kid wants 20 dollars for four pills. fuckkkk dude. the price of being thin. so i guess i'll try something else.

i was thinking today, i wanted to be thin by 17th birthday. i cannot believe i keep letting myself down. its crazy really. my mother lets me down. the men in my life let me down. my friends let me down. and i cannot believe that i am the worst of all. i let myself down more than anyone i suppose. its quite shameful. since i've been gone so long, i bet a lot of you arent even gonna read this. but i'd like if you did. because im going to be here, and tumblr as much as possible. tumblr probably more. though thats just me posting an ass load of pictures. haha. so follow me on tumblr. and stay tuned here. i'll try my best to not let myself, or you girls down anymore. its not fair, to anyone.

encounterswithana.tumblr.com

simple enough. go follow me. :)

jillian michaels

jillian michaels makes me happy. haha. not gonna lie. yesterday i bought her dvd ripped in 30, and i started it today. i really liked it, and i was sweating a lot. school starts like august 31st or something. so i have a month to start my junior year of highschool looking great. and since im single, i need to look good. i feel like i have a more positive out look on losing weight now. which feels nice. so today is the start of my "getting ripped in 30" journey.
weight: 131.5
arms: 10 1/4 in
waist: 27 in
hips: 35 in
thigh (biggest part): 21.5 in


i burned my finger really bad. so typing sucks so much right now.

im super sweaty, and i feel light headed. i might jump in my pool to clear my head.

since im committing to this ripped in 30 i will post everyday. :)
see you tomorrrow

crazy makes you crazy

heyy ladiess.

not much is new, or has changed. i have snake bites now though. so thats always fun. hah.
i wasted like an hour of my life today watching maroon 5 videos on youtube. and like every video is very sexual. its awesome. and i have to say the lead singer Adam, is like one of the sexiest men alive. just puttin' that out there. but on the down side. now im all horny, and i've got no one to have sex withhhh. ughhh. so thats like the shittiest thing ever.

i showered today so well that i feel like i havent been this clean in years. lol. like i exfoliated my skin and shaved then after wards i put lotion on, and now im feelin' clean and great. and i also smell nice. i wish i had someone to impress tonight. ugh.

i realized today that i would be pretty much 100% happy with my body, if i didnt have love handles. like thats it. i have a fine shaped body, and im not all that big, but its my goddamn love handles. i wish you could spot reduce fat. but you know, just working on my core in general will be good for me. especially since its been far too long since i've exercised.

i dont think i'll ever be thin. i seem to not be able to lose weight anymore. i used to be 122. come on! thats awesome. now im up here, 10 pounds heavier. ten fucking pounds. thats so many! damn! blah. but its not like im gonna give up. i just suck. ugh.


snakee bitesss. haha. :)


and this is after my shower. more of a progress picture, so that when i lose more weight i can compare.

The sun floods your room as you drown

re-did my blog, you like it? i love the colors. i was getting sick of the dark feeling. this blue green color is one of my favorite colors. i would love some nail polish in this color.

im so tired its crazy. i wanna go back to bed but i love wasting time on the computer.

im feeling artsy. i wanna do something. make something. draw paint something. i dunno. im wasting my life. ugh.

130 pounds this morning. much better than 134. i havent eaten yet today. which is great. im fasting today. but i'll eat something tomorrow cause tomorrow is Warped Tour and i dont wanna get sick. im really only going for like two bands. Hellogoodbye and Gym Class Heroes. im pumped for Hellogoodbye. they make me happy. some day i also wanna see Death Cab for Cutie. they also make me happy. haha.

i can feel that my breath stinks. lol. thats sooo gross. i need to go brush my teeth. but i'd have to pass through the kitchen to get there. and im starting to feel bingy. soooo, i might hold off till this feelin' passes.

i think im gonna party this weekend. im excited. :3

i was supposed to design a shirt for this contest. the entries are due the 22. so i've got like four days. i suppose this is what i should use my artys feeling for. the theme of the shirt is "good vs. evil" does anyone have any ideas? ugh. i have no clue what to do at all. fuckkk.

well, i think im actually gonna go back to bed. im deathly tired. haha. :p

just because something isnt happening for you now, doesnt mean it will never happen

la da da da daaaaaaaaaa. things may or may not be going well with me and tyler. :DDD
i went over to his house last night. things got a little frisky. yess. hahah. sorry, im done being a stupid giggly little girl. :P

i havent been eating too much, but i've been drinking a lot. so that just adds fuck tons of empty calories. what can i say, i like gettin' drunk. haha.

i hung out with dom today. it was super nice. i really missed him. we went to lunch today and watched a movie. :)

i might be going out tonight. i want to, but i dunno where to go, or what to do.

i left last night at like midnight. and i was supposed to be home by three, but i was with tyler, so i came home at like six in the morning. and i cannot believe no one noticed! ahh! haha. i would have been in deep shit man. but they didnt notice. i am so lucky.

i have mega bad heart burn. it sucks so much. i think its from all the hard liquor and diet coke. its making my stomach sick.

my life is boring. i guess thats it for today. :)

diet coke

so i think im addicted to diet coke. like actually. haha. i mean thats fine, and it has like no calories so its not like it matters. haha. went to the gas station this morning. got a fountain drink. do you guys call it that? thats my favorite. i love getting soda in a cup, like how you would from like a fast food place. so this morning i got 32 oz of diet coke. yumm. haha. and now im chillin' watching spongebob. im super hungry, and super tired. so to fix both of those i should just nap. which i will do soon.

im going to a party tonight. im excitedddd. gonna get smashed. and if i dont eat anything i'll get drunk really fast. but that also means it'll hurt more if/when i puke. ughh.

im thinkin' thin. and im feeling great today. im pretty happy.

last night i ran over my phone with my car. i know i know. im an idiot. its a flip phone, and the inside screen cracked hard core. and my sim card snapped off inside, so all my pictures and videos are gone. and im afraid to have the phone company see if they can retrieve my pictures. cause i have a lot of pictures on there that i DO NOT want anyone to see. a lot of like stomach pictures. and then we've got some naked pictures. lol. why? why not. haha. but like, theres a lot of shit... so i think im not even going to have them try to retrieve them. i think i'll just start fresh. cause if i dont think too hard about all the pictures i lost, im not upset. you know? but i'll be getting a new phone monday, so thats good.

well guys, i think im gonna take a nap! haha. have a good day! :)


Follow @AnnieMarie00

goodevening my lovlies

so i have recently made a twitter. you should follow me. :)
Follow @AnnieMarie00

so im 130.5 pounds. things are looking up. im feeling motivated, been exercising. i've started running. which sucks, but is great. haha. i cant stick to anything recently. blogging being one of the things i havent been doing. so im wondering how twitter is going to go for me. hahah. i suppose we'll see. i'll come back. dont worry! im serious this time. this is a new start. things are going to get better for me, in ever aspect of my life. im going to be confident, and happy. starting today. :)

i gotta be up early. so i gotta get going. :3
have a goodnight

you cant buy happiness---steal it

oh lordy lordy. haha. i've been up to a lot of bullshit. been going to a lot of concerts. going to a lot of parties. meeting a lot of people. lifes been good. but at a party i went to, there was a hot tub. it looked lovely. so lovely. and the girl whos party it was had an extra bikini. we were all drunk, so it doesnt matter, right? well they were all in the hot tub, and i went to put the bikini on. i put it on. and saw my reflection in the mirror, and honestly tried so hard not to cry. its an atrocious sight. so i took off the suite and put my clothes back on. and watched all these guys and girls pile into the warm hot tub. i realize that i cant keep going on the way i am. i cant just accept my body. its gonna chance. regardless of how long it takes, i will get to my goal of 117 pounds, or lower. it will fucking happen. since dom left me i've had a lot of time. so now i will spend this time not eating, and i will exercise everyday. tomorrow im starting the cabbage soup diet. so im hoping to lose some weight. my computer has been fucking shit. and if i dont have my own laptop, i cant blog. but its fixed now. and im back. im gonna go catch up on your blogs. im sorry i was gone for how long i was. i really really hope you all can accept me back and support me. much love forever <3 annie

You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

hey girls,

last night was really fun. went to my "first typical teenage party". lol. if you know what i mean. like the ones always in movies. haha. it was fun. i got super drunk and made out with some guy. haha. also kissed some girl. haha.

i was really hung over and slept a lot today. then around 7 my friends mom invited me to dinner. so i went out with them. had a veggie burger and fries, and a little ice cream. a little while ago i had a slice of pizza too. so todays intake isnt too bad.

my sister has been with me like every waking moment that im home so i havent been exercising well lately. but i will. i want to get back in shape. i'll help me feel better about myself, in general.

well, i have some serious catching up to do on your blogs. so off i go. :)
i hope your doing well.

ps. im addicted to pictures of quotes.

wow. its been a while.

hey guys. god. its been a while. im sorry for just leaving like that. i dont know. i just didnt feel like blogging.
been depressed.
me and dom broke up.
i miss him.
i wish we didnt break up, though it was mutual when it happened.
i really miss him. :/

im around 129. no change. i havent been trying.

i've gained some friends since i have last talked to you guys. which is nice.

made out with tyler again. it was awesome. he was drunk. i was little tipsy. he apparently "doesnt remember" that entire night. whatever i guess. im not gonna bring it up. cause im pretty sure he does remember, and wants to forget. he still has a girlfriend. a girlfriend of two years.

me and one of my best guy friends (who i suspect is gay) are going to a party tonight. gonna get drunk. should be fun.

i'll be updating more frequently. i was out of a computer for a while. i had been using my sisters. so i couldnt really blog.

my moms outta jail.

i started cutting again.

i've told a few people im really depressed. i told one person i started cutting again. why? i dont know. maybe i want help. maybe i want some one to say "it'll be okay" and then take my problems away from me.

i got all my hair cut off. like all of it. its short. and when i want to, i can put it in a mohawk. lol. its fun. i LOVE short hair. i hate the feeling of hair touching my neck.

god i miss dom.

my sister got kicked outta school until shes "evaluated by a psychiatrist". she also stopped eating. shes around 102ish. its not fair. shes about my height. but a little more than two years younger. *sigh*
and of course every one cares about her, they love her, they give her nothing but support. i mean she deserves support. but i feel like since no one notices my problems, they dont really know me or care. but then again there are times when i loveeee that no one knows what i do to myself. that no one knows the secrets i keep. but hey.

you should go on sixbillionsecrets.com i love that website.


anyways i gotta go.

this was just a little update. i love you all. thanks for stickin' with me through it all, and through my absence. much love forever. <3

My Chemical Romance

awww yeahhhh. last night was fucking boss. oh yeahhh.
it was wonderful. straight up. :)

i saw my favorite band in the whole world! ahhhh! im still so exciteddd!
i want to see them four times in my life. which will happen.
i got to see frank iero in the flesh. oh god. :DD

i got really bad heat exhaustion though. i threw up twice at the show and didnt go to school today. oh well. it was awesome. i also spent 60 dollars on merch.

:)

i have nothing more to say. im too excited to bitch about my fat body.

fat fuck

i put on a pair of jeans that i usually wear, and i couldnt get them up.
holy fuck.
this is out of control. im like opposite of ana. seriously. i have like a binge/over eating disorder. i cant stop. i dont know what to do. i honestly have to be at like 135. oh fuck. oh fuck. ohhhh mother of fuck.

aside from being the fattest person ever, tomorrow is the My Chemical Romance concert. im flipping out!!! i could cry im so exciteddd! my favorite person in the world is Frank Iero. the guitarist of MCR. and holy shit. im gonna be front row. fronttt rowww. and im going to get to see him in person. i just might cry.

i was suppposed to be 118 for this concert. i was around 124 when i made that goal. wow. i really took that in the opposite direction... hard core. damn.

tell me what to do. i cant fucking be fat anymore. i honestly hate myself so much. i dont remember how to do this. please. tell me what i should do. please.


i need to study. i have three huge tests tomorrow. i want you all to have a good night.

you all deserve to be thin. i love you.

destroy yourself.

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

you all are so supportive of me. thank you. you dont understand how much you all mean to me.

more drama. my sister ran away. we searched forever. she stole my grandmas debit card and charged 180 dollars for a hotel room. we found her. and brought her home.

i realized why i let myself get so bad. because i didnt notice. when i dont weigh myself, i can judge if i've gained by looking down at my stomach. i have a little more fat under my belly button than i should. so its very easy to tell when that gets bigger. and it hasnt. butttt, i have love handles. thats where its all been stored. and love handles are hard to get rid of. fuck me.

i cut up my hips. it hurts to bend, and walk and wear pants. but its a constant reminder. which is what i need.

im taking diet pills. no more than two at a time. im not like od-ing on them. dont worry.

im going to start counting calories again. i havent in a while.
lets see today:

woke up.
two handfuls of cereal. 100ish.
lunch.
one hard boiled egg, only half the yolk. 50.
home from school.
cereal. 100.
animal crackers. 100
three cookies. 150.
two saltine crackers. 40ish.
baby raviolis. 70.
hot cheetos. 75.

i purged today. but didnt get rid of much. so im probably around 750ish i'd say.
not bad i suppose. i plan on working out later. probably burn 200. which brings me around 500. not too bad i guess.

im big though. i took pictures and i honestly cannot bare to show you. my love handles are huge. my stomach isnt bad. its those fucking love handles.
what should i do to get rid of them? just extra core work, or what?

on the upside. i've made a new friend. and he is the most positive boy i have ever met. hes very young though. which is surprising because he has such good advice. if i ever told anyone about my ed or cutting or any secrets, i would tell him. im not sure why. but i trust him completely.

One day I'll stop keeping track and give myself time to react

so its April. which means i can eat junk food again. and i've been doing bad again.

tomorrow i start swimming again in school. i do not want to. i am so fat. seriously. i will honestly embarrass myself. i just got home from school and weighed myself. 130.5
i've been in the 130's for a while now. god, i really took being 122 for granted. seriously. i am so upset.

i have a stye in my eye. it hurts so much.

i think i might take a bath. i need to shave my legs. but i hate being naked.
its almost a phobia. i hateeee being naked.

i havent eaten yet today. thats usually how my days start. then i binge hardcore. yeah. i fucking suck.

my moms back in jail.
my boyfriend dom doesnt want to be with me anymore.
my sister tried to commit suicide.
my body hates me.
my life sucks.

i am sad.

im sorry i havent been updating lately. i just dont know what to do with my time. i waste so much of it. fuck.

i want to sleep.

we started the poetry unit in school. i am really excited actually. i used to write poetry all the time. i think i may start again. that'd be a nice out lit.

thats fine for now.

thanks for sticking with me. i appreciate it more than you know. and your comments mean so much to me. :)

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind where worries are washed out to sea

it sure has been a while. sorry im lame.

i've had the worst headache today. it hurts so much. and i have so much home work. and i ate a lot. todays shitty. but i spent some nice flirtatious time with Ike. so thats always fun. ;)

i looked in the mirror like yesterday and honestly thought i was 135-137 pounds. i look huge. but i weighed today. and im 130.5 which is still big. but im so fucking glad im not as fat as i think i am.

i saw the thinnest girl today. not naturally thin. she was tall and beautiful. and dressed like me. i could be her. i really could. she was bony and tall. she was gorgeous. i want to be her. so bad. i didnt mean to creep but i stared. and just admired. and i thought "wow. you totally deserve that body. i bet you worked so fucking hard for that body"
and im lame. and chubby. and solid. and fat. and lardy. and gross.

start swimming soon in school. i cant seem to get this weight off though. i cant seem to stay on track. im going to look so shitty. like i will honestly embarrass myself if im not thinner by the time we swim. which is like next wednesday. fuckkkk fuck fuck.
also, im sorry i swear so much. haah.

i gotta work out or something. so i'll see yah ladies.

thank you madagin for always keeping me strong. :)

Everything I promised, everyone I'd be, well I just ain't

i didnt eat anything all day, then i did. kinda a lot.

didnt eat anything till 87 calories of organic spinach around 6:30. then a bit ago i hung out with my sister and her boyfriend. yogurt with granola. legitimately like 300 calories. then some dry cereal, a sucker, and three ritz crackers. so not a total fail.

today i was 129 pounds. getting down there. :)
its wayyy harder the second time around.
which fucking sucks cause i've already been down this road, and its taking soooo long. fuck fuck.

so i got a hair cut the other day, and the lady fucked it up. so the next day i went and got it "fixed" so this is my hair now. one side is short as ever, then the other is very long. asymmetrical i suppose. :P

on another note i'd like to thank the two beautiful ladies who gave me this award. love you girls. :)
Izzy from Iz it okay? and ali joseph from Thinking Delicate.
i do not know how to link things. so whateves. teach me some time.

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

i already thanked you girls. :)

1. there is no one in this world who hates me more than i do
2. im very smart and take great pride in my schooling
3. i love my blogger friends more than my real life ones
4. i criticize every single person i come into contact with through out the course of a day
5. my father is gay, my mother got sent back to prison
6. i wish i had a therapist who didn't judge me and would just listen
7. i want to be so thin people worry

now to award my loves, i dont know how to link, so im sorry. no order.

1. mandagin from beautiful is...
2. Alex from Frail Wings of Vanity and Wax
3. lottie x from Dreaming Skinny
4. ell from A journey to bones
5. Olivia Lee from Count My Bones
6.Izzy from Iz it okay?
7. ali joseph from Thinking Delicate
8. Thin_Envy from Thin, Love & Other Sacrifices
9.BellaAna from Long Way to Skinny
10. Miss Alisha from We Move By Instinct Darling

well that took a while. haha. :)
you girls are all fantastic. much love to you. :)

Are you worth your weight in gold?

i heart Panic! At The Disco. please tell me you've heard their new album? it came out yesterday! its too great. i really like it a lot. all of the songs are like love stories. about someone not loving someone else. i like it.

"Ever since we met
I only shoot up with your perfume
It's the only thing
That makes me feel as good as you do
Ever since we met
I've got just one regret to live through
And that one regret is you"

radddd. the lyrics up there are from my favorite song off the new album. its called Nearly Witches (Ever Since We Met...). its great. the whole album.

anyways. i've been doing well i think. i havent been exercising. i've been so busy. but ive been in control of my intake. so thats good. yesterday was 700 calories, and i havent totaled todays yet. so i was looking through my old food journal. and i couldnt remember why i stopped writing my intake in there, or when. and the last entry went like this:

"Tuesday February 2nd
breakfast: none
lunch: hot cocoa, candy cane, frosting
dinner: frosting, cottage cheese, yogurt, lemonade
total: 775

118.5 pounds this morning. although i dont believe that.

tyler came over today"

i stopped counting after that day tyler came over and we made out and stuff. i found that odd.
thats when shit went down hill. after tyler. fuckfuckfuck.

so here i am. 130 pounds. still. fuck that! he fucked me over. this shit is lame. lalalalalamee.

but i feel thinner today. but i weighed at the end of the day before my shower. so i had all the days food in me. so i really really really hope im in the 120's. i cant deal with this not losing shit.

on a little side note here. im pretty sure i gave one of my friends an ed. and i know you're thinking "you cant GIVE some one an ed. they're born with it" or whatever. but im pretty sure i fucked this kid up good. im not sure how i feel about this. hes a good friend. he was a big guy. like 220. not like fat. but like solid. like it wasnt jiggly. you know? and now because of me hes like 196 and only eating like 300 calories a day. i didnt realize this was bad until he proudly said to his brother "i only ate 300 calories today!" and his brother flipped out and told him how unhealthy that is and how only anorexics eat that little a day. so i quickly changed the subject and later told him it was okay. hes doing good, and that he probably shouldnt tell his brother or anyone again....

i dont know what to say or do... i feel so bad.

All our broken plans I will mend

today was less than perfect. way less than perfect.

i did fine. but then at the boyfriends house, beans and tortilla chips, with cheese. it was bad. i had like 3/4 a can of beans and a lot of chips. so honestly that in one sitting was probably like 700 calories. no joke. so that was bad. really bad. i didnt know it was so much till i ate it.
i didnt even eat a ton. it just was packed with calories. fuckkkk.

im having terrible uterus pain. lol.
like legit. im bloated as fuck. like if i saw me and i wasnt me id say i look like 140 pounds. its crazy. i didnt even drink any soda today. and i have this pain. not like cramps. like painnnnn. and it hurts. im not sure im going to exercise tonight. it hurts to move and stand up let alone walk, or exercise.

blah.

i have a head ache.

i had a dream i had sex with tyler.
it was radical.
did you guys know i've seen him naked? yeah. yeah i have.
and its hot.
yay naked skype.
ha.

well anyhow. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

i hope you're staying strong.
you deserve to be thin.

My bones are wrong sometimes, sometimes my bones are wrong

ahhh.
its been a while. hello 111 followers. that must be good luck, huh?

130 ish pounds. i havent really given an effort i can say honestly was my best.

went to a cain & abel show. i talked to tyler for the first time in a verrry longgg time.
during the show he honestly seemed to be favoring the side of the stage i was on. he kept getting mega close. and screaming real near me. he even was right in front of me, and he stepped on my toes. he never once made eye contact though. then after the show i said "hey. tyler" and he turned around and looked at me and i said "good show tonight. :)" and then he gave me the cutest smile i've ever seen and he said "thanks. :)" thats it. thats all we said. later i texted him asking an honest question. "what did your tattoos say again?" cause they're in a different language on each side of his ribs. he replied "Go with God" and "See God in me" then i was like "okay. :) i couldnt remember. thats really cool though. :D" and he was all "mhhhmmm. thanks!!"
i hope we can be friends. maybe were mending a friendship here. that'd be wonderful. his girlfriend was at the show. she wasnt up front like i was. she was sitting in the chairs in the back. and they didnt even seem like they were all lovey together. i dunno.

im fat. i got a new suit for lifeguard training which starts again in april. and i put it on, and it felt like it fit real well. but when i looked in the mirror i nearly cried. i have these newly obtained love handles and a belly. oh my god. so i kept the suit on, and i exercised wearing it seeing all the fat jiggle. ew. this week will be good. i need to be AT LEAST 124 for this suit to even look ALRIGHT so im aiming for 124.
i'd say since im around 130 i want 127 by wednesday, then 125 by friday. if i do awesome i can see that happening. and my period will be over soon, so this could work. 125 by friday. thats like five pounds give or take what i actually am today.

much love to you girls. i gotta go.

dude its raining so much its fucking crazy.

work in progress

owow! 110 followers. you guys are too awesome. :)

things still arent great. but i can feel that im getting back on track.

my girl mandagin is doing so great, i am so jealous. shes too awesome.
and shes also skinny. damnnn. :)

i was at 131.5 yesterday. today i was 130.5. this is a lot. i know. and i can see it on my body. ugggghhh. but im one pound down. i can do this.
sorry this is taking so long. fuckkk.

i've been watching these guys on youtube a lot. they're funny, and i like watching all the shit they make. they're like professional chefs. lol. and i cannot believe they eat everything they make.



man. i so took being 122-124 pounds for granted. im so fattt nowww fuck fuck fuck. sorry. im so sad. ugh. i need to get my shit together.

my mom got out of prison today. shes gonna buy me a y card. im going to start running. it'll be good. i'll lose weight. i promise. i'll be outta the 130's soon. i guess my goal for the end of the month is 125.

"SO LET'S BEGIN!
I often wonder if I'll ever finish all I've started, and the answer I have found is NO.
No, I will never finish all that I have started because life is about doing, the process
And not the result. Life is about doing whether you want to or not.

MY LIFE!: A constant work in progress and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Take a look back. Is that what you wanted?
Chances are that it's not what was intended to be, because it's gonna be better than everything.
Everything, you will see, comes together in it's own ironic kind of way, so live in just today.
In my eyes I hold a vision in contradiction of what once existed."

i've got it

im taking control. im not gonna tell you what i weigh. i dont wanna cry again.

i found my old food journal. i was eating 300 calories a day. eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner. so thats what im gonna do. im going to lose all this weight. i did it once. i can do it again.

107 followers. thats awesome. i love each and every one of you. :)

i wont let you down.

I bet my life that I am not alone

no school today.

128.5 pounds today. that is good. i was 130 last time i weighed.
i had some yogurt and half a banana for breakfast, then some chex mix.
so im probably around 300 calories.
i havent exercised yet. but i plan on it. :)
i didnt exercise yesterday, my body honestly hurt so bad i couldnt. it hurt from the past two days of exercise i did. and also my best friend slept over and we watched the move Love and Other Drugs. i highly suggest it to you guys it was so great. really, a wonderful movie. and jake gyllenhaal is a fucking babe. haha. he looks so good in this moive. anne hathaway is the greatest thinspo ever. shes naked a lot in this movie. haha.

i absolutely love this first picture.




owow! look at that last one! damn. hes sexy. haha. ;)

i told my best friend in great detail about tyler and how we smooched up a storm. it was hott. i gotta say that. now that im not bitter about him not wanting me, i can honestly say, dude it was awesomeeee. i've never felt so much passion in kisses. :)
hes way older than me. and i think that bothers him. but i've decided when i turn 18 (december 1st 2012) im gonna see if hes still into me. yepyep. he probably wont be. but then i feel like i'll get the truth outta him, cause then it wont be... well... illegal. lol. i still like him. i do. so im gonna use that as my motivation to be thin. lame i know. but hey, what ever works i suppose. cause he said he likes petite girls. so i can do that. i can do everything in my power to change me, so that if he ever decided to like me, i'd be perfect for him. yeah im lame. shut up. :P

i am so tired. i think i might cuddle up on the couch and watch tv. maybe fall asleep. that'd be great.

thats about it. maybe seeing Ike today. i dunno. i wanna cuddle with him. which always happens if were watching movies. so i texted him and asked him if he wants to watch a movie. but he didnt text me back yet. oh well.


Hope! i am not sure where i got the chinese fortune sticks from actually. lol. my grandma just has them in the house. :P sorry.

mandagin we have come so far thank you so much for always being there for me, and i really appreciate you letting me yap at you about tyler. :P you always have nice things to say, and you are just awesome. much love to you girl. :)

Olivia Lee you are so supportive. i love that you always comment. :)

talk to you beautiful people later. :)

killing a mockingbird is a sin

my arms are killing me. just worked out. for the first time in a while. cause this week is a new start. im gonna get skinny. :)

i was 132 the other day. and today im 130. so this is a good start.

had half a banana for breakfast.
nothing for lunch.
diet hot cocoa (25 calories) with some light cool whip.
animal crackers.
cereal.
then dinner was:
subway.
more animal crackers.
chex mix.
sorbet.
but i purged it all.
so im not sure what im at.

and i just exercised. probably burned 200 max. but i am sore as fuck. so thats a good sign.

103 followers. thats crazy! :D
i never would have thought that many people would like hearing what i have to say. its nice. :)

so i was thinking, i know nothing will ever happen with me and Tyler, but i can fucking say i kissed him. rad as helllll. cause man. their band is gonna be famous.

http://dailydancesingmosh.blogspot.com/2011/02/cain-abel-local-production-worth.html

they are cain & abel.


this was my fortune today.

i have an ass load of home work. i gotta go.
i'll talk to you guys tomorrow. :)

lame.

im lame. my life is lame. my body is lame. i suck. im fat.
fuck.

the show i went to the other night was awesome. i went to see Monsters and Kingmaker.
but i pretty much went for Kingmaker. i <3 Kingmaker.

Monsters: http://www.myspace.com/monsterswarfare
Kingmaker: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/kingmakeril

i've gained. no longer 125. i cant keep doing this.
tomorrows a new week. and i promise not to let you down.

dont think of this as rejection.

one hundred followers! hell to the yah. :)

today was nice. i didnt do bad. at least i dont feel like i did bad. but i again didnt count. damn!
i need to fucking count calories!

im going to a show tomorrow. to see some hardcore bands and such.
it'll be fun.
but tyler might be there.
...
that will just be awkward.
no. it will be fine. no reason for anything awkward. i wont even talk to him.
yeah. this will be good.

do you know what sucks? i honestly cannot tell if im fat or not. i mean i know 125 isnt "fat" and of course i want.. no. need to be thinner, but i looked at my stomach in the mirror today, and im huge. like i never under stood that whole people with eds see themselves as much bigger than they are...but fuckk... 125 isnt 122. but i cannot be as big as i see myself! how would that be possible? you know what i mean? it just sucks.

this is me from yesterday, im wearing pajama pants and yoga pants.. so i dont think my butts that big. or shaped like that in real life.




so this is me 125 pounds. i am bigger than i was. and i can tell. im sure you can tell. but im just saying. im knot like HUGE you know?
it'll get better.

my grandma promised this weekend we'll go and get a y card. and my friends are going to come with me. so i really think i'll go really often. :)
it'll be good for me.

i need some goddamn inspiration. im so lame.

i gotta go to bed.
the show tomorrow will burn calories, and theres no food sold there. so it'll be good.
have a good night. :)

i love you all.

When we hope, we usually hope for the wrong thing

"Change isn't easy... changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That's hard... When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable."
Dean Koontz

today was over 500. and my grandma wouldnt take me to get my y card. blah. but i spent some quality time with my best friend. which was nice. its been months. :)
i was good till me and her made some soup and i had some tortilla chips.
then when i came home i had two bowls of cereal, a jello, and a piece of toast. so i really didnt do too bad. but the soup was like, really rich. so it had to have been a lot.
i dunno. i need to start counting. im gonna do some ab work in a little bit. other wise, nothing major today.
i've been sleeping like SHITTT. my cat is a dick. she is so annoying, and just wont let me sleep!

i havent weighed in a while. 125 i'd guess. cause i've just started getting back on track.

man i suck.

im going to see my mom tomorrow. which will be good. and this no junk food march is going to be great for me. and i will eventually get a y card. so 118 here i come! haha.

blah. bed time. night ladies.

ps i got some cool ass gloves yesterday.
they are robot hands and they say "MONSTER" on em. :)

In our age, self-indulgence and self-destruction, rather than self-sacrifice, are the foundations for new heroic myths.

today started off awesome as fuck.

but then i realized that tomorrow is the start of no junk food march, and i kinda paniced. so i sorta, but only sort of, stuffed my face. i had a crunch wrap supreme from taco bell, i had a snickers, some gummy bears, some cheeze its. haha. but today was not that bad.

and tomorrow will be AWESOMEEE.
i've got my girl mandagin backing me up.
and Eager Enid :)
and all you other lovely ladies. much love to you.

im getting a y membership tomorrow.

and i did start ABC today. but im sure i went over 500. but im going to continue doing it, and i will actually meet my limit.

for me being five foot five, how much would i have to weigh to be a size two?
if im roughly a size four/five now.
115 pounds? lower? i honestly have no clue.

im so tired. and im not very sad. yesterday i was soooo sad. with that whole tyler thing. but i needed to know. and now i have no hope. so it hurts so much less.
:)
kinda a sad thought, but hey.

dude. i've been pooping a lot. which is good i suppose. i feel like all the lax the other night kicked my body back into normal gear.

so im getting my Y membership tomorrow... but im not sure if im going tomorrow. im so scared to work out in public! haha.

i will be 118 by the end of march! i can do it!
also, my mom comes home from jail in like 15 days. which is exciting. shes been gone since late september. drunk driving. third offense. lame.

its getting late. i have home work, and i wanna get some sleep in. i am so tired its crazy.
oh! also, i drank almost two liters of diet coke today...
can you be addicted to something like that?
...
anywho, i feel gross. i do not want anything to do with diet coke for a long time now.
hah.

hope you're doing well. cause im really happy for once.
:)
also! my burns are officially healed. damn. that took so long.

im not there yet. but im closer than i was yesterday.

new start. fuck yeah.

today was not by any means good. because as you know sundays are breakfast at my dads. but today surely was not that bad. so that just means things will only get better from here! :D

im really optimistic today. feeling good.
oh! also shit my brains out this morning. i took 7 lax before bed. cause three is reccomened and five never works. so i took seven. and it worked really well. then i felt really really sick and dry heaved for a very long time. then my stomach hurt so goddamn much. so i went back to bed. on the bright side i was 127 after all that shitting. so this is good.

i need to shower. but its too late for that.
im going to the mall tomorrow. i have no money. which is depressing. but hey. its okay. the mall is fun.

im getting a Y membership for march. im gonna go all the time.
my goal is 118 by the end of march. i got this!

tomorrow im staring ABC. this will be good, i promise.

thanks for always being there for me.
i'll stay here for a while. post regularly and read your girls' blogs. :) it really is inspiring.

random thin ladies.







edittt:

i texted tyler one last time. im so scared for the reply. i figured we dont have a friend ship in jeopardy, and i need to stop hoping. so i need to know.
i said "hey tyler. i like you, and i shouldnt, cause i know you dont like me. so could you tell me honestly, that theres no point in me hoping you'll like me"
and he said "thats sweet of you. but im really sorry, i love morgan" and i said "thats fine" and he said "okay goodnight"

...
..
.

slacker.

i am a slacker. in all areas of my life.
and im fat. i am a fat slacker.

january i was 122 pounds.
today. today i am 131 pounds.
...

i dont even know what to say...


nine pounds? nine fucking pounds? are you shitting me?!
fuck!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck.

march is a no junk food month. with january this really helped me get down. so it will be fine. this will be okay. i know i've fucked up big time. but i will fix this. it will be okay.

mandagin is going to help me. as always, shes my rock. :)



the boy trouble have calmed. or actually... i've given up. which is good cause it was the hope that hurt. me and dom still boring. i still feel like theres no real spark anymore. but im going to keep trying. and i have stopped talking to tyler. so this will be okay. it will be.

and maybe if i get thin i can have something great. some new love. some new life. some new opportunity. because being thin will be awesome.

im going to go ounce by ounce, pound by pound. i need to not be discouraged so quickly. i give up and give in so quick. but i wont. this will be good.

and im going to start drawing again. and blogging more. and being more productive and artsy.


things will get better. i guess i realized how shitty things were.. now that im fat....
fuck.

its okay its okay. i can get back down.
im so ashamed to admit to you girls how much weight i've gained. but i need to tell you. and i will lose it. you should hold me to that.

A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness

yesterday went fine. mostly fruit till i had some fritios really late at night.
today was fine until tyler upset me again. then, i dont know. i just ate. it just feels so good to give in.
im sad again.
i think my depression might have come back. i dont want to have to take medication again. i dont want that. i hope it goes away.
chinese for dinner.
i threw a fit and stormed outta the kitchen. i wouldnt be surprised if i was grounded tomorrow.
my fortune was this:

im not quite sure what that means.

i ended up eating two ice cream sandwiches. 160 calories each. yay.
its 8:30. i would loveee more than anything to just go to bed.

today is tyler and his girlfriends two year anniversary.
i cant let it go.
i dont know why.
i just. i cant.

i ate an orange today:



i feel so melancholy. how can i fix this? what should i do?

i appreciate the girls who text me. :)
you guys mean the world to me.

i have been exercising. some days 30 minutes. some days six. it all depends on how sad i am. i know exercise is supposed to like, raise endorphins, but fuck that. when im sad all i want to do is sleep. not fucking exercise.

im not sure how much i weigh. 127 TOPS. id say... 126. probably.
i dont know.

i'll check next time i take a shower.

would you believe that my burns STILL arent healed all the way? they arent infected anymore though.

my chest has been killing me. i wonder what is actually wrong. because i know it happens when i get sad. but like, why? its not an imaginary pain. it hurts so much when im really sad. so i wonder like medically, what is happening when it hurts like this.
it honestly feels like my heart is aching. like its just this... pulling pain in my chest. it feels like, behind my heart, and in my throat. and it just. hurts so much that im afraid i'll get so sad that i wont be able to breath. that the pain will get in my throat so far that i wont be able to breathe in.

maybe i should find my inhaler.

wow. 8:40.
this took a while.
im done.
love you ladies.

Its not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know

"Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"

hey ladies. i exercised this morning. i honestly have not exercised in a long time. like weeks. i mean i've done like five minutes of abs. but i havent worked out in a long while. but i did this morning at 7. cause i couldnt sleep. i had to eat breakfast with my dad today. thats how it is every sunday. i ate around 600 calories. and burned around 200 this morning. so im at 400ish now. im fat. i am. i gained a lot of weight. i cant get out of this rut. i cant. im so sad. i just... i cant get out.
but im going to try now. i stopped trying. but im trying now. i really am.
have you ever listened to Damien Rice? if not. you should. his songs are the soundtrack to my life. seriously.

"So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?"

tyler drunk texted me last night. i was sleeping. soon as i woke up i was excited. drunk or not. he texted me. he said " *Annnnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* baybay" then he texted me again five minutes later saying "i miss you, we need to hang. ah sorry im drunk texin ya my bad babe."
so i texted him back and i was like "its all good. if i was awake i would have texted you back. if your serious about wanted to hang, that'd be chill"
and a little while ago he texted me back saying "i got pretty drunk haha. dont remember texting you to be honest. lol. sorry hun"

im just so sad again. so im like 128 pounds. and sad. wow. my life is so shitty.
i just want him to like me honestly. even just to mess around. i'd be fine with that. i just want to see him. and spend time with him. fuckkkk. ugh. mandagin says i can just wait it out. good idea i think. i just.. ugh. i wish i knew if i'd ever have a chance.

sorry all i talk about is boys. i appreciate that i still have followers. lol.

And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways

wow. its been a while hasnt it.
so, hey.

i've been around 125. blah. thats so shitty. i have been doing UNBELIEVABLY terrible with food. i've been eating like theirs no tomorrow. ughhhhh.
like legit. its been terrible.
soooo bad. so bad infact i actually saw "128" the other day. holy fuck!!!
holy. fuck.
that cannot happen! fuckk.

this boy. tylers friend actually. told me i should lose weight.
oh cool. thanks.

i got my license today. i almost didnt pass. i got 20 points. 25 is failing.
damn.

i have been eating so much. im so ashamed.
ugh.

things just have been so shitty.

How can I make myself, out to be positive when positively everything I know is such a worthless mess, and it’s all that I have.

so im getting better. im getting happier and overall, more okay than i was.
thank you to all of you who stuck by me. :)
and to those of you who told me it would get better. im glad i believed you.

so, i was 126.5 today. oh my fucking god.
so it will be okay. now that im feeling better. things in general will get better.
tomorrow is valentines day. doms making me tacos. haha. my favorite.
since last year i made him home made sugar cookies and tacos he got to make me dinner this year. he is no cook. so i figured tacos would be easy enough for him to do. haha. :)

things with him still are blah. i dont know. i still would like to be tylers girl friend. but hes been ignoring me... so im tyring to move on... :(
i dont want to. but its the hope thats hurting me.
...
makes me sad...
i really like him...

ughhh.

anyways, i dont know. hah.

im up to 126.5 how in the hell did i let this happen? i dont fucking know. damn.
im like, busting out my size fours.

oh, also, me and dom were having sex (which wasnt that great), and he was grabbing my hips, and i was like "ughh. sorry about my love handles" and he said "nah. i like em"
...
he likes my love handles... so he sees em too..
he then went on to say "actually i love them. why else would they be called LOVE handles"
im not sure if he was trying to make me feel better. but i just wanted to dieee.

so goal for this week is to have around a 300-500 net calorie after exercise.
tomorrow may be a little up there. cause its valentines day. but we'll see i guess. ugghh. im so disappointed in myself. i've come so far. and i fucked it up so hard.

ughh.

im going to bed early. without doing homework. fuck that shit.
hah.

have a nice sleep.
ps. my burns are really infected. it hurts.

this was a labor of the heart, a passion almost spiritual in its purity and intensity

hey girls.

nothing new. 124 pounds. fuck my life.
i'll fix it. i just need time. but i PROMISE you i will fix it.

tomorrow is a half day. im going to see dom for a few hours.
i am not excited. and i'd rather not see him. i havent wanted to kiss him, and when he tries im not interested in it. which kills me. i should want to kiss him. but i dont.
im so scared im losing attraction to him.
it started with sex. now kissing. god. what if he cant touch me soon? fuckfuckfuck.
that will break my heart. because he was one of the first people who i was okay with touching me.
goddamnit. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
i dont want to do anything.
i dont want to see him, i dont want to kiss him. i dont want to do anything.
i want to just go do my own thing, and not worry about the consequences.

so you know how i got naked on skype? i think i told you that. i was drunk and me and tyler skyped naked. so anyways, today this kid Jake, i think i've mentioned him before, well this kid jake was like trying to black mail me. he was like "so tyler saw your boobs and almost your vag. let me see" and i was like "wtf. no" and he was like "well im sure dom would love to know about that" so i texted tyler and i flipped out i was like "what the fuck tyler! now jake is going to ruin my relationship with dom!" so tyler was like "jake. back the fuck off" and now jakes like "i cant believe you thought i was serious. like i'd want to see your boobs. and you go and run and tell on me. hah!"

everyone is kicking me when im down. but im really grateful to tyler for standing up for me though.

im so so tired. i just need sleep. i am so worn down.
i feel like showing you guys lots of pictures today. so here we go.

im so bloated. this is me today after life guard training.


i ended up burning myself. i put bobby pins on my straighter then pressed them to my skin. sorry if this is too graphic. just sharing.


this is it today. it doesnt hurt anymore.

and here we go. my journey. i was fat ladies. 145 pounds. i was big. so please. just realize that i KNOW i was fat. dont make fun.


i'll see you guys. love you all.

like me you are human, after all, and we know what a joy and terror that is.

hey.

i had a few grapes for breakfast.
then an orange for lunch.
then 1.5 bananas when i came home.
a little yogurt.
an apple.
some nuts.
then three and a half pieces of pizza.

i hung out with ike today. we watched blades of glory, then went to his friend shawns house. we watch "The Town" it was so long. but awesome as fuck. then as the movie has like twenty minutes left, tyler shows up. being a dick. i have realized i am nothing special, no exception. tyler is an ass hole. even to his friends. that is who he is. dom calls while im here. and hes so upset with me. why? because i told him i didnt want to see him... or anyone. i was just trying to make him feel better by saying "i dont want to see you this week. dont take it personally. i dont wanna see anyone" so hes pissed. he thinks im cheating on him. i am not cheatING...

so i get home around 11. my grandma is pissed. since its a school night. and i have an ass load of home work.
i eat three home made cookies with ice cold milk, and do my chemistry home work. oh joy.
dom is still upset. im not going to cut tonight. i panic. and i hyperventilate. so i run down stairs, to my grandma (who i live with cause my moms in jail, in case you forgot), and i break down crying. she knows this is a panic attack. it just hasnt happened in a while. i cry and cry and she holds me and talks to me. and rubs my head. i calm down. once calm i realize she is still touching me and i get up to go upstairs. i grab some pringles and some cheeze-its. i come up here, crack a diet coke and eat. defiantly not as much as i could have. but more than i should have.

so here i am. so much homework left to do. a huge math project due friday. belly full of food. headache. tired. out of time. drained.

the sky is falling off the ceiling, while im tucking fibs into a cookie jar

hey girls. i have to start with i love you. genuinely. id be nothing without each and everyone of you. i have 93 followers. thats so nice. its like friends. i have 93 friends. and i love each one of you. thank you. for loving me too. its cool that were all so close. and that we're all friends even though we've never met, and never will.

today was bad. i've been so sad that i cannot control my eating. i cant. i keep stuffing my face till it hurts. i have realized, i love to hurt. i cut so that i hurt. everything i do is to hurt myself. why do i do this? why? because no matter what i do, or say or how i think, i do not deserve to be happy. i dont. you might say "things will get better". they dont have to. i need to suffer. because i deserve it.

i just need to fucking stop eating. i want it to hurt. but im so addicted to food. im going to fruit fast. if i allow myself to eat, with odd restrictions (like only certain color food, or types of food), i do much better. so fruit and veggie fast for as long as i can. but im aiming specifically for two days. cause it will all get easier from there.

123 pounds today. i need to get it together. i saw 118.5 where the fuck did that go? fuckkfuckfuck. i can do this. i need to be thin. my life will be better if im thin.

me today. after my shower. sorry for the nakedness.


i have baby birthing hips. they're very wide. like even if i get thin. they will still be wide. i bought two pairs of jeans that are too small for me. they're very cute. someday soon they'll fit. they're only a size three. cause im not gonna go out and get a zero. you know? i'll save that for when im closer. ps. i have very small boobs.

im wearing a huge pair of jeans in that picture. they're from when i was around 135. they're like a size 6, or 7.
im a four now. thats pretty cool i think. i like that number. but i cant wait to see three.

i have had no motivation to do anything. im so sad i cant do anything. i dont even watch tv. i dont do home work. i just sit and listen to music all day. then all of a sudden its midnight, and i need to be up in six hours, and i havent exercised. so i havent been exercising more than 10 minutes a day. i'll get better. i will. im just so depressed.
cause you know, it doenst matter how long it takes, as long as you get there.

tyler and ike(my painting boy) are in a band thats getting pretty famous. Cain & Abel. you probably havent heard of them. but they won "Hometown Heroes" in AP magazine. thats how i met tyler. through ike and his band.
they're playing a show this friday and saturday at The Rave.
im going...
im not sure how this will go.
he didnt tell anyone we kissed either. or that he turned me down. i wonder if it will awkward.
not like we'll specifically talk though. cause hes going to be on stage the whole time.
what also sucks is hes the lead singer. so all i have to do is turn on my ipod to hear his voice.
yay.

im so depressed.

i think im going to burn myself tonight.
it hurts so much more.
sorry for telling you. i dont know.


thank you all so much for you kind words.
much love to you.


smile for me.