I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
Mirror by Sylvia Plath.
you all are so supportive of me. thank you. you dont understand how much you all mean to me.
more drama. my sister ran away. we searched forever. she stole my grandmas debit card and charged 180 dollars for a hotel room. we found her. and brought her home.
i realized why i let myself get so bad. because i didnt notice. when i dont weigh myself, i can judge if i've gained by looking down at my stomach. i have a little more fat under my belly button than i should. so its very easy to tell when that gets bigger. and it hasnt. butttt, i have love handles. thats where its all been stored. and love handles are hard to get rid of. fuck me.
i cut up my hips. it hurts to bend, and walk and wear pants. but its a constant reminder. which is what i need.
im taking diet pills. no more than two at a time. im not like od-ing on them. dont worry.
im going to start counting calories again. i havent in a while.
lets see today:
woke up.
two handfuls of cereal. 100ish.
lunch.
one hard boiled egg, only half the yolk. 50.
home from school.
cereal. 100.
animal crackers. 100
three cookies. 150.
two saltine crackers. 40ish.
baby raviolis. 70.
hot cheetos. 75.
i purged today. but didnt get rid of much. so im probably around 750ish i'd say.
not bad i suppose. i plan on working out later. probably burn 200. which brings me around 500. not too bad i guess.
im big though. i took pictures and i honestly cannot bare to show you. my love handles are huge. my stomach isnt bad. its those fucking love handles.
what should i do to get rid of them? just extra core work, or what?
on the upside. i've made a new friend. and he is the most positive boy i have ever met. hes very young though. which is surprising because he has such good advice. if i ever told anyone about my ed or cutting or any secrets, i would tell him. im not sure why. but i trust him completely.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
Mirror by Sylvia Plath.
you all are so supportive of me. thank you. you dont understand how much you all mean to me.
more drama. my sister ran away. we searched forever. she stole my grandmas debit card and charged 180 dollars for a hotel room. we found her. and brought her home.
i realized why i let myself get so bad. because i didnt notice. when i dont weigh myself, i can judge if i've gained by looking down at my stomach. i have a little more fat under my belly button than i should. so its very easy to tell when that gets bigger. and it hasnt. butttt, i have love handles. thats where its all been stored. and love handles are hard to get rid of. fuck me.
i cut up my hips. it hurts to bend, and walk and wear pants. but its a constant reminder. which is what i need.
im taking diet pills. no more than two at a time. im not like od-ing on them. dont worry.
im going to start counting calories again. i havent in a while.
lets see today:
woke up.
two handfuls of cereal. 100ish.
lunch.
one hard boiled egg, only half the yolk. 50.
home from school.
cereal. 100.
animal crackers. 100
three cookies. 150.
two saltine crackers. 40ish.
baby raviolis. 70.
hot cheetos. 75.
i purged today. but didnt get rid of much. so im probably around 750ish i'd say.
not bad i suppose. i plan on working out later. probably burn 200. which brings me around 500. not too bad i guess.
im big though. i took pictures and i honestly cannot bare to show you. my love handles are huge. my stomach isnt bad. its those fucking love handles.
what should i do to get rid of them? just extra core work, or what?
on the upside. i've made a new friend. and he is the most positive boy i have ever met. hes very young though. which is surprising because he has such good advice. if i ever told anyone about my ed or cutting or any secrets, i would tell him. im not sure why. but i trust him completely.
The cutting thing sounds so painful... but I can totally see why you did it. I have love handles too, and if I had any sort of reminder that they needed to go, it would probably be that too. I feel like it's the same for me. My hips and my thighs are the worst. That's where I carry most of my weight.
ReplyDeleteI can totally tell when I gain weight the same way, it's always a little pudge below my belly button. And when I start to lose it, it always disappears and then my legs start to get farther and farther apart. It's frustrating though, cause when my weight fluctuates it can change a lot. I used to be a lot smaller, but I'm working on it again.
Keep up the good work, just take care of yourself okay? <3
I hate my love handles, too. And used to cut them to remind myself that they were shameful.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you I admire you. And heart you. Because when I read your words, I feel like I'm reading my own (except worded more eloquently than I ever could).
I wish I could give you a big ole hug - your family drama sounds soo tiring. You must be strong, since you seem to handle it pretty well. As best as you could, giving the situation.
As for getting rid of love handles - cardio and core work usually works best. Added benefit? More cardio = reduced fat all over :-)
its nice to hear u met a nice boy :) nowadays i only eat food which i know the calorie number in it, or stuff which i can kow like boiled eggs, slices of bread etc.. btw what are love handles?
ReplyDeleteits good reading yet another update from you, x
I'm sorry to hear about the cutting hon but I completely understand why you did it ?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I heard Twist Crunches and Sit Ups were good for getting rid of love handles, if that helps at all.
Hope you feel happier soon.
Dotty
xx
p.s I love Sylvia Plath!