the sky is falling off the ceiling, while im tucking fibs into a cookie jar

hey girls. i have to start with i love you. genuinely. id be nothing without each and everyone of you. i have 93 followers. thats so nice. its like friends. i have 93 friends. and i love each one of you. thank you. for loving me too. its cool that were all so close. and that we're all friends even though we've never met, and never will.

today was bad. i've been so sad that i cannot control my eating. i cant. i keep stuffing my face till it hurts. i have realized, i love to hurt. i cut so that i hurt. everything i do is to hurt myself. why do i do this? why? because no matter what i do, or say or how i think, i do not deserve to be happy. i dont. you might say "things will get better". they dont have to. i need to suffer. because i deserve it.

i just need to fucking stop eating. i want it to hurt. but im so addicted to food. im going to fruit fast. if i allow myself to eat, with odd restrictions (like only certain color food, or types of food), i do much better. so fruit and veggie fast for as long as i can. but im aiming specifically for two days. cause it will all get easier from there.

123 pounds today. i need to get it together. i saw 118.5 where the fuck did that go? fuckkfuckfuck. i can do this. i need to be thin. my life will be better if im thin.

me today. after my shower. sorry for the nakedness.


i have baby birthing hips. they're very wide. like even if i get thin. they will still be wide. i bought two pairs of jeans that are too small for me. they're very cute. someday soon they'll fit. they're only a size three. cause im not gonna go out and get a zero. you know? i'll save that for when im closer. ps. i have very small boobs.

im wearing a huge pair of jeans in that picture. they're from when i was around 135. they're like a size 6, or 7.
im a four now. thats pretty cool i think. i like that number. but i cant wait to see three.

i have had no motivation to do anything. im so sad i cant do anything. i dont even watch tv. i dont do home work. i just sit and listen to music all day. then all of a sudden its midnight, and i need to be up in six hours, and i havent exercised. so i havent been exercising more than 10 minutes a day. i'll get better. i will. im just so depressed.
cause you know, it doenst matter how long it takes, as long as you get there.

tyler and ike(my painting boy) are in a band thats getting pretty famous. Cain & Abel. you probably havent heard of them. but they won "Hometown Heroes" in AP magazine. thats how i met tyler. through ike and his band.
they're playing a show this friday and saturday at The Rave.
im going...
im not sure how this will go.
he didnt tell anyone we kissed either. or that he turned me down. i wonder if it will awkward.
not like we'll specifically talk though. cause hes going to be on stage the whole time.
what also sucks is hes the lead singer. so all i have to do is turn on my ipod to hear his voice.
yay.

im so depressed.

i think im going to burn myself tonight.
it hurts so much more.
sorry for telling you. i dont know.


thank you all so much for you kind words.
much love to you.


smile for me.