tired

i need to stop flirting. fer real.
this boy, tyler, is so fucking cute. and so nice. and would totally have sex with me. we were talking about it.
i would never actually. especially since i've still got my boy, who i loveee!
but aside from my lack of sex drive, the sex hasnt even been good.
and this tyler boy, is verry experienced. and not to mention.
hes going to be 21 in September. FUCK. YES.
in case you didnt know. or if i havent mentioned, my favorite type of guys are tall, lanky, and older guys.
my painting guy is all that. and tyler is all that too. but my painting boy is only 18. tylers gonna be 21. and he said we can get drunk together. ;)
im so excited.
but i shouldnt be.
im not a cheater.
and im afraid id end up cheating.
last night i stayed up till 2:30 texting him. ahhh.


no way im losing three pounds by tomorrow. its okay.
but i can only go down from here. so its all good. i will be 119 by the end of feb. and thats a long time so i know i can (hope i can) get lower.
:)


tomorrow is the end of no junk food january. im a bit scared.
me and that ego girl are going to get ice cream. ughh.
and then me and my friend joe (who also did no junk food january with me) are going to get pizza at the place where painting boy works. :)
it'll be fun.
i'll try to be good.
i havent exercised in a while.
i've been so exhausted. im not sure why. but like incredibly exhausted that its impossible to get anything done. and my body parts keep falling asleep. its so annoying.

man ladies. i cannot stop thinking about that tyler boy. hes sooooooo good looking. man. hottt.
and hes so much older than me. thats a huge turn on.
i need to stop this.
i have a boyfriend.
ughh.

im a terrible person.

friends

i have friends guys!
that one boy, who is so cute, who im making the painting for? well, he has a band. and i went and saw them play tonight. and then i went home. then he calls me up and asks if i want to go to dinner with him and his band. so i say yessss. and we sit there and eat food (i had two pancakes) and then he drops me off at my house around 3 am.
man. it was awesome. all the guys in his band are totally cute, and funny, and so much fun. i dont ever have fun. and now they're my friends. im so happy!
:D

i redyed my hair. and had this little "my hairs falling out" scare.
its pinkish red now.



the lax did like nothing. i was expecting... wanting.. diarrhea to lose some weight butt noooo. i wake up 124 pounds. im not sure what happened there.

dummmbbb.

im so tired.
im going to go to bed.

sorry this post didnt have much in it.
i'll update tomorrow....
or later today since its nearly 4am. idk.
haha.

goodnight.

im wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it

my legs look chunky. but thats cause my yoga pants are rolled up.
this is me today, after swimming in life guard training.

this is my orange suit for life guard training.

i got hit on today. :3
he said im hot. thats so nice.
i broke my fast yesterday. i know i cant reach 119 by tuesday. but i got close. im not actually mad. i mean i'll still try. but i wont be upset if i dont make it. cause in december i was stuck at 125. so now im at 122. im not mad. i can lose this. i want to be 117 pounds by april 13th. (when i see my chemical romance) and i'll do that. im just not going to stress about making or not making 119. i will make that sometime in febuary though. :)
dont be disappointed, kay?

i didnt eat till i came home. then i ate a shit ton of granola. and some yogurt. then a lot of cereal. it is my enemy. literally.
i was 122.5 today though. after like three sodas and a sobe water. so idk.

sundays are huge breakfast days at my dads. *sigh*


so that girl you know. the one who is "ana" and tells everyone im fasting? well, yesterday i watched her scarf down a little more than 500 calories while i enjoyed my diet coke.
in her face!
lol.
she was telling me shes "only" 130 pounds.
one, you say your anorexic?
two, honey, theres no way you are ONLY 130 pounds. 140 maybe.

i need some more motivation. but since life guard training has started i dont want to cut anymore. but it helps so much.
im so torn. i dont know what to do.
ughhh.

and im fat. i feel huge. probably because in the span of 25 minutes i devoured like 500 caloires. fuck me and my piggy ways.

hellllloooo new followers! 83. not shabby at all.
i love you all. :)
and if im not following you and you'd like me to be. lemme know.

well, thats all i suppose.
its friday night and i have no friends to chill with.

ps. i just took five laxatives. the box said two is good.
looks like im gonna be shitting my intestines out at three in the morning.

"I know now, this is who i really am inside..

....Finally found myself, fighting for a chance.I know now, this is who I really am."



oh Skinny_el, you beautiful beautiful woman. :) thank you so much for this! i never would have thought i would get one of these awards! i appreciate it so much. :) if i knew how to link to your page i would. but im a dummy. :3
so heres her link:
http://prettyproslim.blogspot.com/

sorry girly. :P

so ten facts? is that all? okay. :)

1. i love math so fucking much its crazy. im crazy good at it.
2. this august i'll have been a vegetarian for seven years.
3. i've only ever had three boyfriends. my current boyfriend of nearly 3 years is my third boyfriend.
4. im a weirdo. i never match. i wear combat boots. i have a dread wig. i love being different.
5. i make jewelry. metal and plastic. i wear all my homemade jewelry.
6. my dad is gay. and has a boyfriend. my mom has a boyfriend. technically i have three dads.
7. if i didnt have a boyfriend i would have sex with A LOT of guys. i would be a hoe. no shame.
8. i have done all my piercings myself. i have a fuck ton of piercings. eyebrow. nose. tongue. lip (i had snake bites. now only one). i had my septum. i had the under part of my tongue pierced. i had my belly button pierced.
9. i want four kids. i have all their names picked out. im deathly afraid of having a child growing inside me.
10. annie isnt my real name. its my middle name. i'd love to tell you my real name. its so cool! (least i think) but im scared.

i hope those were interesting enough. :P

so now on to awarding! (again i dont know how to link to your page. so, im sorry. :P)

first is Lou, from my life with ed, ana, mia, and neurosis.
http://mylifewithedanamia.blogspot.com/?zx=5759d242088974b3
i love reading her blog. its always so personal and meaningful and i look forward to her posts every single day. shes come so far. and so much has happened in her life. i respect her so much. :)
second is Eager Enid, from hardly starving.
http://hardlystarving.blogspot.com/?zx=4bc2291563327af5
i love this girl! i look forward to her blog posts, and to her comments. shes so supportive. :D
third is Mich, from Sick B*tch.
http://s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com/
this girl here is awesome. her posts are funny, and cute, and always interesting. i love reading her blog, and her comments are great. :)
fourth is Ell, from a journey to bones.
http://ajourneytobones.blogspot.com/
she always seems positive and i overall just enjoy her blog. shes been doing so well for her self, and inspires me everyday. :)
fifth is mandagin, from beautiful is...
http://mandagin.blogspot.com/
oh man girl! you keep me motivated everyday! everyday! you even let me annoy you with texts. without you i know i wouldnt be 122 pounds. so thank you so much. :D

i really wish i could give all you girls one. you all deserve one.
(zette from baby steps, sofia from gonna be skinny, coming?, skeleton strong from skeleton strong: strength in (low) numbers, izzy from iz it okay?, kitty from all in the aesthetics, miss alisha from we move by instinct darling) i wish i could have given one to every girl her. but i couldnt. so im sorry. :P



thanks for all the comments on the last post. thank you for believing i can get to 119. :)
yeah i dont think i'll count gum. and weightoomuch, sadly i've given myself third degree burns before too. :/
hurt like a fucking bitch, and scarred bad.

"It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me"

im sorry. if you dont want to see this. if its triggering. im sorry. i dont know. i felt like i needed to show some one.
im sorry it had to be you.

if i dont fall all the way, i can't be saved

thanks for all the comments you guys. much love to you.
(Eager Enid, Sofia, Ell, Izzy, Olivia Lee, Kitty, Amy, and ChrissieMadIpod) you know who you are. :3

it did turn out to be water weight. and as that time of the month is passing i am down to 122.5 again. what a relief. but i also ended up cutting yesterday. so now my brain thinks cutting is associated with weight loss. great. just what i need.
and whats probably bad is, i dont feel guilty. i used to feel guilty. now its almost.. pride. i feel accomplished. it doesnt even hurt anymore. its a pointless thing to be doing. but i cant seem to stop.
anyways. it was water weight. also, im fasting. till i get to 119.
liquid fast (not like soup or anything), just drinks.
i had a sobe life water zero calories
and i had a can of diet coke
and now im having two servings of 25 calorie hot chocolate. which is kinda cheating.. but i dont care. one serving is 3/4 a cup. so i decided to have two for only fifty calories.

my mom is very sneaky with packing extra calories into a dish. her mashed potatoes used to include: butter, milk, potatoes, sour cream, and cream cheese. like mixed in. so you dont know its there. she claims i "need the extra calcium" damn woman! i'll take a vitamin then! alas, she is in prison, so she cannot do this to me anymore. but she likes to pack extra calories into everything.

today was the first day of second semester. i have two art classes. ceramics and art metals. and then all the usual. biology, english. blah blah.

i got sucked into that girls ego again. she was talking about fasting. and i ended up mentioning that im fasting for a while. "to cleanse my body" yeah right.
and so at lunch today she announces to the whole table that me and her are liquid fasting.
what the fuck?
im like done with her. i cant deal with her bull shit anymore. shes not even that great of a friend.
blah.

you think i can get to 119 before February first? that would be grand.

also, thanks for all the comments on my tummy picture in my last post. it made me feel like im not such a disgusting cow.


do you guys count the calories in gum? cause i had a fuck ton of gum today.

much love.
<3

nothing is static. even the Mona Lisa is falling apart

"Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer."

you girls are totally right about my friend with the ed. she is a bitch. and she has always loved attention. shes like that. i think i'll stop feeding her ego.

the past two days have been shitty. i've eaten so much. well, like a normal person i suppose. i spent the 22nd with my girls at the movie, then yesterday and this morning with my boy. me and my boyfriend had a wonderful time. but at the cost of me gaining weight. *sigh*
i feel like i cant have them both. i cant be thin and have him.

im up. way up. i've been a steady 122 for a while. which is beautiful. but today.. today i actually hit 126. how the fuck does that happen? two days of over 1,000 calories and minimal exercise is how that happens. im so bloated from my period too. ugghh.


fuck.

i'll work out good today. i will burn 300 calories on strength and cardio. and then 100 on abs/core. yeah. thats my plan. i will for sure do the strength/cardio. and im hoping i can get my self to do the core stuff.

yesterday i measured myself, and i was down a whole inch in my waist and 1/4 an inch in my hips. though im sure thats not true today.

i want to be rail thin. i want people to worry about how thin i am. thats what i decided today. i havent cut the past few days. and i feel way less motivated to lose weight. i suppose its bad that cutting helps me want to be thin. but if thats what has to happen. then i guess thats what im going to do.

i have a nice big glass of lemonade, about ten calories, with big slices of lemon in it. its lovely.

i already ate too much today. why am i so stupid?

on a little side note, i realized, i hateeee purging bananas. they've got these little brown things in it when you eat them. then when you puke it looks like bugs in the toilet, to me at least.

today i had:
banana bread -200
yogurt-200
8 large strawberries- 45
grapes- 30
so 475ish

second semester of school starts tomorrow. this means i dont sit next to that boy at lunch. the one who is super fucking cute, the one who im making this painting for (im still not done with it). i am seriously disappointed. i loved seeing him everyday. i loved eating lunch next to him. i suppose this is good though. i was starting to like him too much. but it sucks! im sad now! i loved seeing him! now i wont get to see him AT ALL. and hes a senior. so its not like i'll have chances to see him during school next year. aww mann.

well, what i was actually going to say about second semester was that i got my final grades for it. im pretty pleased i guess.
chem- A
math- A
history- A-
foods- A
health- A
bio- B+
spanish- A-
english- A

thats all. i still have to fucking exercise. i hate my life. i want to be thin already. this is stupid.
i'll talk to you ladies later.
:)

moviee

saw a movie today. the social network. it was okay.

my abs fucking hurt today. so bad. and i cant cough or sneeze or laugh, or lay down or sit up. it hurts. thats good though. i hope im getting thinner. i need to do some cardio. i've only been doing abs. no duah they'd fucking hurt today.

with my friends today. ate more than i should have. im such a dummy.
i havent totaled my day. so lets do it now i guess.

hot cocoa-75
peanut butter-100
wheat thins-180
fruit snacks- 100
fruit roll up- 50
noodles/soup- 90
popcorn- 200
yogurt- 250
that equals 1045
but i feel like i ate more.
so lets add 200 calories for good measure.
1,245
and i only burned 120
so 1125

ughhh.
tomorrow wont be the best. sundays i have breakfast at my dads. i guess i could purge. thats always really hard to do there though.
i'll try and behave as well as i can.
i need to be thin.

one of my friends had an ed. and its "coming back". and so i was testing the waters with her. seeing if i could talk to her about any of this. and so i was all "i support your decisions" blah blah. and then i really thought i could have her support me then she goes "dont ever do this. i'll tell your grandma..." blah blah. so much for that. she told me she ate only 250 calories today. and that shes going to only drink tea from now on. bull shit. she cant confide in me, if i cant confide in her.

i didnt cut today. thanks to zette.

i hate exercising. i really truly do. once im in the act of. its fine. but i hate starting it.

im gonna go to sleep soon. i am so fucking tired.
i wish i would go exercise some more. but i cant. i hate it. fuck me.
im going to be fat forever. maybe i will go exercise...
i dont know.
ughhh.
i should. i might.

cramps today. im so bloated. i cant wait till this time of the month is over. to see how thin im actually getting. im gonna get thin. i will. i can finally do this!
:)

todays better

"At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."
fight club quote. i've been reading the book. and its rad as fuck. just saying.

so i was 122 pounds today. this is good.
had a mccdonalds salad. 240 calories. fuck me.
i also had two cups of hot cocoa when i visited my mom in prison today. it was the first time i've seen her, in four months.
so not counting the cocoa, im at like 800. so with the cocoa like 1,000. fuck fuck fuck.

it was so goddamn cold today. like crazy cold. im so glad to be home now. its been like -10 all day.
once we had off school for like three days because it was literally too cold to go to school. with wind chill it was like -50. so we couldnt go to school. how weird.

mandagin keeps me inspired everyday. thanks girly. :)

i gotta take a shower. my hair is icky. blahh.
also, i have a cavity. i gotta go get it filled soon. it hurts.

i can be thin. i've got this new inspiration. it makes me sad. but it really helps me want to be thin. Gerard Way was like, drunk or high or something, and he was on stage talking about how he loves skinny people. because skinny is beautiful. a sign i need to be thin. i've never ever heard him talk like that. so he must mean i need to be thin (or so i make myself believe). its kinda sad i think. since i look up to him. i bet he'd be ashamed to know he fuels my ed.

whatever i guess.

love you girls. thanks for caring about my last post bree and sofia. :)

deliver me, from being perfect and complete

breakfast. big lunch. snacks. more snacks. unneeded calories.

i walk into the bathroom. take of my clothes and turn on the shower. waiting for the water to warm, i pull out my scale and lay it flat on the floor, in line with the same black tile as always. i step on, fearing what number i'll see. how will the rest of my day play out? everything relies on this number. i look at my feet. between my toes is a big red number. staring at me. 124.5 it mocks. i step off. dont dare to step on again, fearing it will creep up on me. my eyes find the mirror. the shower is warm. but the mirror holds my gaze. i see one-hundred-twenty-four written all over my body. for a moment i accept it. feeling helpless to change. i am weak. i grab a towel and my razor and get ready to step in the warm fall of water. but im stop myself. i look around for a scissors. to my luck there is one next to my brush. i take the scissors, and kneel on the floor. careful not to slice my fingers open i use the scissors to pry the cheap plastic of my razor, from the blades. snap. and the three silver strips of thin metal fall to the floor. i pick up one that i didnt bend from the pressure of the scissors, and my heart drops to my stomach. i can feel the blood pounding in my head. its been two years. i promised i would never do it again. last time i was so close to getting stitches. i look down. look at the rolls coating my bones, laughing at me. i decide against the inside flesh of my arms. i dont want to open old scars and memories. i push the small strip of cool metal against the out side of my forearm. i feel no pain. so i slowly drag the strip in a smooth line from the left, to the right of my arm. my heart aches as i realize my skin does nothing to stop the blade. it gives so easily. im scared. this will end badly. i always go too far. i lift and repeat. lift and repeat. a few more until i realize blood is dripping on the floor. relapse. im not sure if this is what i need. 124.5 is out of hand. i need to fucking take control. so i am. this is not oh-fucking-kay. i climb in the shower, and the water burns my sliced flesh. i hope this hurts tomorrow. things are looking up. this is what ana wants.

Oh, don't be silly, you will not die; it's not poison.

today was another unsuccessful day. i think maybe i've been stress eating, and not realizing it. well, today was bad. 125.5
where the fuck did 122.5 go!
fuck fuck fuck.

thanks for your comments guys. i talked to my boy and he said that its just cause he was sick then i was sick, and hes been busy with his band. he assured me nothing is wrong. and that we'll spend quality time soon. so i'll let you know how it goes. :)

exams start tomorrow. im a little worried. i guess it doesnt matter. ugghh. i just need to calm down. when im stressed i give my self diarrhea. so i need to stay calm. especially since you cant leave the exam room for the whole two hour period. so... i really need to stay calm. if i have to poop. thats the end of my life.

i have major heart burn.
did like no exercise today. im gonna get fat. i am getting fat.

dont worry. i will get back on track. this week is just stressful.
i was sick. and now exams. its okay.
i'll get back down. it'll be okay.

well, i still have to do some ab work before bed. so i have to go.

have a good night ladies.
be strong.

bad

im still sick. lots of diarrhea and coughing and fevers. im not sure whats going on. my chest hurt unbelievably bad last night.

im feeling slightly better. but my 125.5 weight almost made me cry. its okay. im sick. its okay, right? fuck.

its all this cereal. ive been sick, so i've only been eating cereal. fuck fuck fuck. its fine. its fine. things will get better. they will. they have to.

i need to finish that painting by thursday. but im getting no where. and exams start wednesday. so i need to study the rest of tonight and tomorrow. fuck me. i was supposed to do some extra credit for Honors Biology too, due tomorrow. but its too hard. oh, also i need to correct a paper that i got a 33/55 on. yay.
and to top that off, im still sick! ah yes! awesome january. thank you for being a dick.

i got a new dvd. its Jackie Warner's Xtreme Timesaver Training. its really hard. my muscles are sore. and i actually had to pause the dvd about five times. burned about 300 calories in 30 minutes. not bad at all.

i feel like my boyfriend and my relationship is getting... weak. we havent been spending too much time together lately. which used to be okay. because the time to my self kept me on track for my weight goals and such. but now when we do hang out. we get annoyed with each other. and we havent had sex in forever. and we dont kiss as much as we used to. im so sad. i really dont want to lose him. i hope my wanting to get thin isnt messing us up...
what should i do? im so worried.

i have to face the truth

"that no one could ever look at me like you do... like im something worth holding onto"
(122.5 pounds)


yesterday went badly. pasta and ritz crackers with they boy.
then today. i was so fucking sick. violent coughing. fever. worst headache ever. so i had some cereal 110 calories. then i took four ibuprofen and went to bed. i slept for five hours. then woke up. had a granola bar. 190 calories. some snacks later; cereal+wheat thins= 275 calories. then subway for dinner. 450 calories.
subwayyy. ^^^^ it was delicious though.


im going to justify that with being sick. but justification doesnt stop me from gaining weigh. *sigh*
i was finally getting skinny. i just cant do it can i?
fuck.
and all next week are exams. which means stress eating. yay.
im only doing ab work today. my throbbing head doesnt agree with cardio tonight.

getting pretty far with my picture. so far i only have like 3/5 sketched out. then i have to paint it. i hope he likes it. i shouldnt like him. i have a boyfriend. but hes so cuteeee.


not the clearest picture. but this is where i am. its still pretty rough. but this is were i am.


tomorrow will be better i promise. i'll sleep. shower. paint. and study.
see, no time for food. mandagin girl. you keep me inspired. thank you so much. i would be no where without you. :)

i love Death Cab For Cutie. its so lovely. and so fucking sad.

"What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?
Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.
And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like you're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye"

"I'm starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts of the people I've been"

they them out. currently im in love with their album "Narrow Stairs".

im gonna sleep on the couch tonight. cuddle up with tons of blankets and pillows and watch tv till i sleep. :)

night ladies.
and i see i have a new follower. thank you. :)
it means a lot to know i have all of you lovely people reading my thoughts.
loveeee youuuu.

quick update

122 pounds today.
i ate nearly nothing yesterday. i was 121.5 yesterday. but im up .5 today cause i ate like 500 calories.
im going to my boyfriends.
movie night.
there will be popcorn. i hope im okay.

i didnt do any cardio today. only ab work.
i feel skinny.

being skinny is hard. or rather, trying to get there is hard.

im doing okay. im pretty happy. this is the lowest weight i've ever been at.

i can totally make 119 by febuary 1st. *knock on wood*


i love my boyfriend, no doubt. but theres this boy. and hes the cutest thing ever.(he has a girlfriend) hes so adorable. which seems strange considering hes 6 foot 5. so its weird to think "adorable" is the word. but it is. hes soooo cute. and funny. and hes allergic to sugar. yes. sugar. he is allergic to fructose. how cool! lol.
soo anyways, his birthday is january 20th. im going to paint him a picture.
i dont think i've ever mentioned this, but im an artist. i can copy a picture almost exactly. i just cant make up my own art. weird. whateves. im gonna paint him a huge picture from one of my favorite artists. Alex Pardee.
this is the one im going to make for him. :)

tired

im watching spongebob. wearing my thigh-high yellow and black spongebob socks. drinking some green tea.

i think i'll have a diet sprite soon. i want something fizzy.

today i ate an orange. thats it.
im doing this thing with another girl where we only eat one food a day. and we can only have one serving of that food.
so today i picked oranges. so im allowed two.
i had one around noon.

i ended up, well, binging... but on chocolate soy milk. so i purged. that sounds weird. since it wasnt food. but its 140 calories per 8 ounces. and i like, chugged the container.
purging it was messy. after i blew my nose, and it was all chocolate milk. ick.

im done with this tea. im not in the mood. i want to take a nap. its nearly 5:30, and i have to exercise and do homework, so i figure since i work out for half an hour, i can do that, and lay on the couch and relax, and if i fall asleep, if im not woken up by someone, i'll proabably wake up on my own around 7 or 7:30. then i can do home work. maybe have another orange and then go to bed for real. that sounds nice.

i find i dont have time to weigh myself in the morning. so i usually wait till the weekend mornings so that i have time to take off my clothes. lol.
so i'll weigh some time either saturday or sunday.
i might go weigh soon. just to see where im at. cause i really have NO idea.

i think i will later.

i suppose thats all. today was pretty chill. havent pooped in a while. but im scared of pooping. i hate it. i dont know why.

hope your doing well.
:)

minus one

aw. i lost a follower. sad for me.

today went alight. exercised and burned 200 calories, brining my net total for the day to... 550 calories. give or take. haha.

the goal was 500. so this is good news. :)
tomorrow is 300. yay.

went grocery shopping today. it was nice. i got a lot of fruit, and some wheat thins, and some diet sprite, and some cough drops. only five calories each. nice.


i havent wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. and he gets really upset. i dont know. i just dont want to. its weird. i feel like i have better things to do with my time. no offence. i mean sex with him is great. and when we do, do it, its awesome and im glad we did. i just, dont want to lately. no sex drive. and im sorry. its not fair to him. hes so good to me. and i cant even do that for him. ughh. what ever.


im so sad today. i dont know. i feel like my face wants to cry. yes. my face.


i live with my grandma, and when i came home from school i grabbed a handful of cereal, and crammed it in my mouth, mid chew she says "why do you come home and stuff your face?"
i nearly cried.
then when i said "i dont... im just really hungry" she switches gears and says "you look pale and unhealthy, are you starving yourself?"
the sudden change in conversation upsets me and i almost involuntary burst into tears. i accidentally shout "NO OF COURSE NOT WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!?" and leave the room telling her im mad at her.
ughh.
she says sorry later. and takes me grocery shopping.
what a day.

im not thinner than usual. so im not sure what shes talking about. if anything im up. i feel like 125-127 ish. i can feel the fat on my bones.
i'll weigh this week end. i prefer to do it on weekends. when i have time to wake up and get nekkid to stand on a scale and be disappointed.

its 10:20 pm. im gonna go to bed soon. i havent gone to bed this early in AGES. it'll be a nice change.

oh! i gave my speech today. i think it went well. :)
thanks for the luck.

thats all i think.
im gonna crash now.
love you guys. night.

random thinspoooooooooooo for you:

teeth

blah. around 850 calories today. oh joy. 119 here i come. i need to be better about all this stuff. ughh. and to top it off i have heart burn. yes.

me and mandagin are attempting ABC. but were both eahh... a little off track. haha.

kat not jas, thanks for you comment. :) 1,000 isnt even that bad. :P

skeleton strong i love your comments, they are always sincere and i really enjoy your long comments. its wonderful. :) and im waiting for my tooth to stop hurting. haha

i wanna do p90x. anyone done it? good results? i need to mix up my routine. im getting bored. my body is getting used to what i do. but i have to do a video. i cant just like, sit and do sits up, or run for no reason. i need motivation. any good videos?

tomorrow i have to give my first ever speech in english class. oh boy. its a simple topic cause its our first one. its a "how to" speech. so i have to demonstrate how to do something of my choice. im gonna do how to brush your teeth. :) and i need to explain it for 5-7 minutes lol.
theres totally a lot of steps. like you gotta floss first, then brush then rinse. i'll give you a taste of it my speech at the bottom. instead of showing them how to floss, i had my little sister take pictures of me flossing so that i can just show them the pictures.

i had braces for three years. my teeth are the only thing about my body that im not self conscious about. i love my teeth. so here is how to floss. lol. i look a little silly but im demonstrating. :3

how to floss:

a. Wind about 18 inches of floss (or to be less exact about an arm’s length) around your two middle fingers

b. Glide the floss between the teeth gently, all the way to the gum line.

c. Curve the floss around each tooth to clean as much of the tooth’s surface as possible, be sure to use caution when working this close to the gum line.

d. Move the floss smoothly up and down to remove plaque and debris

e. As you move from tooth to tooth be sure to use a fresh section of floss each time

how to brush:

1. Start with back-and-forth motions on your upper back molars, concentration on the outside surface of the teeth

a. The side you start on doesn’t matter, my preference is my right upper molars

2. Using this back-and-forth motion move from the upper right molars to the opposite upper left molars, brushing all the teeth you pass as you move.

3. Move from the top outside molars to the lower outside surface of the bottom molars and moving to the other side of the mouth cleaning all the bottom teeth as you go

4. Move your brush parallel to your gum line, applying slight pressure, brush in a circular motion for around 10 seconds

5. Then roll the brush strokes away from the gum line in a sweeping motion.

6. Move to the insides of the teeth using back-and-forth motions, and the circular motions (as best as you can) being sure to bush the insides of all your teeth

7. Since you can’t easily do a circular or back-and-forth motion on the inside of your front upper and lower teeth we need to use a flicking motion of the brush to clean them

a. Take the tip of the brush and use a downward flicking motion to celan the front inside teeth.

b. Do the same for the lower, but the flicking motion will go upward.

8. Now we brush the biting, or eating surface of the upera nd lower pre molars and molars, using a medium to hard pressure and back-and-forth motions

9. Finally gently brush your tongue and the insides of your checks with small motions to ensure all the plaque is gone.

a. We get bad breath from the germs on our tongues

TADAAAAAHHHH. THE END. :)
now go brush your teeth the right way.
haha.

i have to finish home work and go to bed. tomorrow will be better. :)
night ladies.

cavity

thanks for the comments ladies. you are all wonderful. :)

so i think im getting a cavity. i bit my tongue ring really hard today, i think i chipped my tooth, and i think its starting a cavity, or something. it hurts.

i spent the day with my boyfriend. and i ate so fucking much. uggghhh.
i can feel myself slipping. when im with him i love food. it makes me happy. and we eat a lot when were together. lunch, dinner, popcorn with a movie. how is he so goddamn skinny!

school as been sooooo busy. so i havent got much exercise in. about 6-15 minutes a day for the past like, two days. so not that bad. but usually i do half an hour. it will get better. dont worry. i'll do it. but school work is really important.

todays post isnt long. i've got a ton of shit to do.

what are you guys doing, eating wise?
fasting? fruit/veggie fasting? whats your limit?

i need to create a plan. im not gonna make 119 by feb 1st. i dont have the self discipline, and my body wont budgggee.
what should i do?

lalala

thanks so much for all the comments on my last post. :)
thats exciting to think you guys thought it was thinspo! :D

i dont think i ever told you guys about what happened a couple weeks ago on a saturday. i beat the shit out of some girl. she was like 2 or three years younger than me. and she started saying shit, over facebook. what the fuck. she assumed i was all talk. she was calling me a cunt and a dyke. she isnt even in high school. who the fuck does she think she is? doesnt matter. i showed her what was up.
what reminded me was i was wearing one of my favorite shirts when this happened. which im wearing today. so i thought i'd show you my favorite shirt. (and show off some more pictures taken with my new camera. :)) it says "give 'em hell, kid!!!!"
also, i will do a video. just not now. :P



i took a picture of some of the green peppers i ate. this time i added a tinnnny bit of oil.
the picture doesnt quite do it justice. (also it wasnt taken with my nice camera) you dont have to cook them for as long as i did, but i like that dark taste. :)



thanks for the tip on how to eat oranges skeleton strong, i will have to try that!

i didnt do so good today. my boyfriend slept over. and he knew about my fruit/veggie fast. and he said that he thought two days was enough. so i stopped. and i had a bowl of cereal with him for breakfast. and then we had some bread and pasta for lunch. i really feel like i ate a lot more than that. like im lying to myself. but i didnt. i did eat a lot of the bread though. it was fresh baked. sooo gooooood.

im going to my dads soon. and im also gonna go visit my mom in jail...

so i gotta exercise before i go.

thanks for the comments and support ladies. you are fantastic! everyone of you! :D

fat girl belly button

i am looking forward to having a flat toned stomach, mostly for one reason. i have a fat girl belly button. you know what i mean. where its like, not an oval where you can see inside. its like a slit in my stomach. also i might get my belly button re pierced when im skinnier. i have a terrible scar from an old one that got infected. so if i get thin, they can just re pierce it, so that you cant see the scar.

im soooo hungrrrryy. this fruit and veggie thing is making me so hungry. im trying so hard not to binge. so far so good. yesterday i ended up at 1,400. blahhhh.
so far today i had two oranges, a few slices of peach, and a bell pepper. the bell pepper was so good. i "fried" it. i dont want to say fried, cause it wasnt like, fried. i put it in a pan with salt and pepper, and let it get hot. so its not like "fried" but i guess it technically was.
it was sooo godamn good though. i think i'll have some more later. :)

i already exercised. so -250 from my daily total.

im going to a school dance tonight. its an informal one. its supposed to be like a rave. lol. the school is trying to draw in more kids. cause each ticket was 15 dollars.
it'll probably be fun though. i might go to dinner after. a really nice salad from the Odyssey maybe. :)

i took a picture of my legs for you guys. im sorry that my house behind me is messy. :P


on a fun side note, i was 123.5 today. :)

im gonna do this goddamn fruit/veggie fast for three days. im not sure i can do it longer. we'll see i suppose.

hope your doing well. :)

fight club

best movie i've ever seen. just saying. its my favorite movie of all time.
i've never read the book. but i plan on it. :)

today was a fruit/veggie fast. you'd be suprised how many calories you can manage to bring in with only fruits and veggies. i was so hungry today. i did bad. a grand total of 940! damnn. i thought i did worse. i know olives dont like count as fruit or vegetables, but i my rational was "pickles are cucumbers. they're in a jar. olives are in a jar. olives are okay to eat"
then i proceeded to eat the entire jar. after i ate the jar i was so stressed, because i didnt even CHECK the calorie content before hand. so i looked after i ate the whole jar. and only 325. i was fully prepared for like 1,000.

breakfast- orange-80
lunch- orange, apple-160
after school- orange, apple, banana and a half, whole jar of olives-625
dinner- tea, salad- 25

thats a ton of food. all fruits/veggies. but a fucking lot of food regardless.

mandagin might become a new texting buddy to me. cool cool. you should go follow her. shes new to blogger. http://mandagin.blogspot.com/
:)

well. i gotta go exercise. stupid exercising.

let me finish my tea first.

ps. i was thinking about making a video. to show you guys me. maybe let you hear my voice. what do you think about that?

also, picture of my tummy with my new camera. progress?

thursday january 6th

did you guys know, that i hate to capitalize letters? i like the look of the little letters. i dont usually use caps for anything really. not even when im writing on paper. anywho, i hate this no junk food january. i agree with you Skeleton Strong, that i wouldnt binge if i was allowed some junk food. but its no junk food january. so i can have none. uggghhh. also thank you for the comment mandagin. :)

i think since this is already hell. might as well make it worse. i think im going to do a 7 day fruit/veggie fast. well, at least seven days. it might suck. but it wont be too bad if i already cant have junk food. who knows. maybe i'll break this artificial sugar addiction i have. although i wont give up diet coke. so who knows. lol.

i took a caffeine pill this morning. cause i've been falling asleep during school. and i had the runs, alllllll daaayyy. its terrible. my stomach hurts. and i cant stop pooping! lol. i suppose thats good though. cause again, today was bad. it started this morning. before i realized the caffeine pill was giving me runs, i wondered why my stomach hurt so bad. so i decided to eat. some crackers. about 200 calories of crackers. then at lunch i proceeded to have a jello, about 170 calories of crackers, and an orange. and then in foods class i had a big bowl of pumpkin soup which was loaded with calories. i did avoid the fresh batch of cookies on the kitchen table when i came home, and i did avoid the angle food cake with chocolate frosting in foods class. but once home, i remembered i cant have junk food. so i panic. then i get 3 gramcrackers, 210 calories, and then some cereal, 100 calories and then some more crackers! 170 calories. and i didnt even think to purge. i was just like "aaahhh food" then like 10 minutes later i was like "what have i doneee!" i might purge anyways. so it doesnt all get digested. no wonder im up to 127.
fuck fuck fuck.
okay. i got this.

right? i just need to step back and think. i keep mindlessly eating. thats not okay. tell me its not okay.

bad times

i have beennn doing baddddd.
this no junk food january has been making me binge like crazzzyyy. i just want something sweet. like a candy. or somethinggg. and i cant! so i binge! potatoes, crackers, pineapple, soup, ramen noodles, toast, cereal. ughhh. its getting bad. im not sure if i can do this for a whole month. im sure to gain weight. fuck me.

i look bigger. like actually. usually when i look down its relatively smooth (to an extent) but i have a definite bulge. i hate to say it, but it looks like... a food baby.
ewww. i thought i'd never in my life say that. its so disgusting.
but im getting big.
any suggestions on how to not fucking binge? i just want something sweet. ugghh.

sorry this is a shitty post.

thats all i got for now.

i'll leave you with my kitten Bandit.
:)
she was biting me. :3


and also a picture of me and my boy. :)
ps. those pictures took forever to up load. probably cause i took them on my new camera, and its mega high quality. :)

thanks

for the warm welcome back. :3
you guys are so nice.

im around 500 calories now. this no junk food january is totally helping me from binging. :)
im not counting cereal as "junk food" even though its pretty much all sugar. haha.
so i had a couple handfuls of cereal before because i needed something sweet.

today was a good day all around.
i forgot my english note book at home, with my essay and speech in it, and i thought i was fucked. but turns out, the speech and essay are due tomorrow! ahh! haha.

currently i am finishing up my veggie burger (counted in the 500 calories), im watching spongebob, and sitting cross legged in front of my computer with a big glass of ice water.

ughh. i gotta exercise soon. the longer i put it off the worse i wanna do it. like, right now im like "eahhh. i will soon" but later i'll be like "fuck it. im not. im just going to bed"
hah. the later it gets the less motivation i have. im sure early morning exercise would be good for me. if i didnt already get up at 6 every morning for school.


i got a reallllly nice camera for christmas. i also got an ipod touch fourth generation. :)
im really enjoying my ipod.

also, im down to 125. so 2.6 pounds in the past two days. i know this weight loss wont keep to that pattern. haha.

do you guys ever read slash?
i do. i love itttt.
"Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction that focuses on the depiction of romantic or sexual relationships between fictional characters of the same sex"
i like ferard slash. which is pretty much stories people write about Frank Iero and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance having sex. it can get intense! lol. :)

well, theres something i bet you didnt know about me.
well, thats all i suppose.

:)

no junk food january

wow. its fer real been almost a month since i've posted. im so sorry for leaving you guys!
im so sorry!
its a new year. and im back.

so the holidays were rough. i weighed this morning, im 127.6 pounds. ughhhh. i was literally 123 a week or so ago. im motivated though. i really am. :) i am going to be 119 pounds by febuary 1st. even if it kills me. todays the first time in a while that i've got in a substantial amount of exercise. so thats a good start. also, im doing no junk food january with one of my not ana friends. so thats cool. :) some positive motivation from her. not that you guys arent positive :P

i have found ways to satisfy cravings. i mean, i still eat. but like today. i wanted a cookie sooo bad after i had some macaroni. but i realized i just wanted some "dessert". so i had a banana. it was sweet enough to be exactly what i needed. and i was done after that one banana. unlike if i had eaten the cookie, i would have wanted like three.

i have so much catching up to do with you guys! oh boy do i have some blogs to read. haha.

well, heres to the new year. and a new me. :)

(sorry for abandoning you guys, i really am so sorry)


edittt:

you dont really have to read this, but i found this survey on sofia's blog. so i thought i'd take it for fun. :)

Age: 16
Height: 5’5"
Weight: 127.6 lbs
Dress Size: 5
Highest Weight: 145
Lowest Weight (at height): 123
Goal Weight: 110
Favorite Diet Food: salad, grapes, strawberries, celery.
Favorite Binge Food: cookies, starchey foods (potatos, rice)
Favorite Exercise: Jillian Micaels 30 Day Shread
Favorite Thinspo: collar bones
Where Do You Slip Up: having too much time on my hands. or being around friends.

When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: sixth grade.
Restricting/counting: ninth grade.
Does Anyone Know: no.
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : depends. 300-100 calories.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat arms, flabby stomach, cellulite on my butt and thighs, and my love handles.
Are You In A Relationship: yeah. boyfriend of 2 and a half years.
Are You Depressed: somestimes. i stopped talking my medication.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: never.

Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes.

I AM -
[?] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong