Everything is nothing, and it's so cool to be ENLIGHTENED. Like me.

february first girls. today went badly. but i wasnt trying. it was the end of no junk food january, which i successfully completed. so today was a "eah. it'll be okay" day i suppose. which i shouldnt have done. but it was so nice to let go. i didnt binge. just ate like a "normal" person. pizza with my friends and a cookie. you know? normal things. i cuddled. with that painting boy today. we were watching scary zombie movies, and he doesnt like scary movies. so we were both on a big-ish chair pressed up against each other, with his arm around my shoulder and my head on his chest.
it was so nice. no cheating intentions. it was just lovely. sitting listening to his heart.

so last night my boyfriend called me for our usual "goodnight" call. and i was about to hang up, so i said "okay love you, goodnight". then he suddenly stops me sand says "WAITWAIT" so i say "...yeah?" and he said "if you ever cheat on me, make sure its with some one you dont like very much, because when i get done pounding their face into the pavement, you wont even recognize them." i was so fucking shocked.
i was like "...haha. what makes you say that?"
he said "im just saying, cause you've been hanging out with some new guys"


well. i dont plan on cheating. so thats good.


me and tyler were texting, and i was telling him about how i hate being touched. like i hate it so much. i dont like hugs, i hate to cuddle, i dont like pats on the knee or back. which is how i know my boyfriend is right for me. he can touch me. and it doesnt gross me out. painting boy doesnt gross me out either.
i dont even like to touch my best friend. or my grandma, or even my mom. i dont like physical contact.
so anyways i was texting tyler and he said:
"" I mean you say you would 'do' me if you were single and same goes for me. But hypothetically if we both were how would that happen if i couldn't touch you lol... Anyway im not trying to make a move lol just saying""

hahhhh. im too much of a flirt ladies.
but come onnnn. hes gonna be 21 this year. and hes 6 foot 3. i told him of course i'd do him. lol.
but i told him he can try to hug me next time i see him. and he was like "ahhh kay"

i need to cool my jets with these boys. i feel like im on a fine line here. a tightrope really. my boyfriends on one side and these other boys are on the other. and i hope i dont lose my balance.
*sigh*
this has never happened before. you know what it must be? the ONLY thing thats different is my weight. ITS FUCKING TRUE! i have proven that guys are all over skinny girls. though we knew that already. :3
haha.


i've been pooping a lot. thats good i suppose. since im usually so constipated its not funny.
i think i have mostly guy friends because it makes me feel so good about myself.
i have like the lowest self esteem out of anybody, and the guys i hang out with hit on me all day. some joking, some not. regardless. it makes me feel so good.

i got invited to a drinking party this satruday. and i was soooooo excited. then he took back his invitation because i wouldnt do anything sexual with him. he really expected me to let him see my naked body just because he knew how bad i wanted to go to his party. i almost cried. it made me feel like whore. (good this this was over texts or i might've cried) but im not allowed to go. seriously. what a fucking prick. i told him that too. and he was like "whatever"
stupid collage boys. thinking they are all that. if hes all that why is he trying to get me to show him my body? why not someone his own age? playing on my insecurities.
i told painting boy that this party kid was trying to get me to show him my body (they're really really good friends) and painting boy told me "hes a prick. and hes not a nice guy. tell me what he says to you. i'll protect you. you'll need it. i know what type of guy he is"

uuuugghhhh.

my life is so hectic.

i think im going to continue not eating junk food for a while.
today just hurt.
my body was used to not having it.
and now i have heart burn and i have to shittt.
icky.

snow day tomorrow. blizzard conditions. around two feet of snow.
yay wisconsin.

this is me today. i liked my out fit.

i realized today. im finally becoming the person i've always wanted. 122 isnt where i want to be. but im totally doing it. im not 145ish. im not. im doing so well for myself. today i just realized, that...well... im not fat. im getting thin. i CAN be bony. i totally can. i dont know why i always thought i couldnt do it. i mean its hard or whatever. but i totally can do it. it just takes time.

also. this is a really fat girl in my art class. nasty as fuck. look at her. ew. does she realize how huge she is? or does she just not care?
just think about how far you've come. like actually think about all the pounds that are gone. they arent on your body. you ARE thinner than you were. you are.
you can totally do this. i know you can.
it just takes some hard work.
you can do it though.
:)

ps. yes thats L :)
me and my boyfriend love death note. i painted L and he did Kira/Light.



im a very cartoon drawer/painter. :P