Tyler used me. end of that story. i told him something along the lines of "i know i mean nothing to you, but regardless we kissed. so where do you and i stand?" and he said "yeah i dont know. we did kiss, but it was more of an impulse. i still have feelings for megan" (the girl hes on a break with)
im done talking to him.
this is okay. its okay.
i was so so stupid to think anybody would be interested in me. why did i think that? im so stupid. its fine its fine. it will be fine.
he didnt text me today. not like i expected him too. i just wanted him to, so that i could not text him back, so he KNEW i was ignoring him. you know?
todays a fast. i had a big mug of hot cocoa. it was huge. so probably like 125 calories. i ended up having a bite of yogurt too. what ever.
i dont deserve to be happy. is it wrong that i feel that way? does anyone else? i legitimately feel like i do not deserve to have the feeling of happiness.
im very upset in general. today.
i told dom that i need some time. that i just want to spend some time by myself.
he said thats fine.
nobody knows how much i hurt. just in general. like, this sadness is crazy. and today i was thinking about how i could slice open my forearm. like across. slicing open a few major veins, enough to need stitches. i would wear a white shirt. a white long sleeved shirt. and i would slice open my arm, bad. and i would walk down stairs. and not say anything. just stand there with blood seeping through my shirt. then some one would notice, how its not a big deal. how i didnt come running down in panic. then they'd take me to the hospital, and see all the other cuts and scars. and then they'd know. then someone would give a shit about how sad i am!
but i wont..
not today.
i want to though. i think thats a grand plan. stupid though. but it would make a huge point.
this is me today. i dont look sad. so how would anyone ever be able to guess?
tyler is an idiot. like the majority of the male population and you don't need to take the way he treats you personally. there's nothing about how you are/nothing that you've done has caused the way he has acted towards you.
ReplyDeletesome guys, like him, feed on the attention they get from other people and don't give a shit about the other person's feelings. it doesn't mean you're worthless, and it's not because you're worth less than anyone else. i know it sucks and it hurts sooo much, but no matter how much we give and try, sometimes it's just not meant to be.
i really hope you feel better soon, because you DO deserve to be treated well & you are an amazing and unique person. lots of us on here have been through similar situations so just realize that we're friends here and i really hope you feel happier soon.
ps- you look so cute today :)
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ReplyDeleteHey. I`ve recently started to follow your blog and it makes me so sad to read this. I know how much it hurts to lay your heart out on the line like that and then have some idiot stepping on it. You are a beautiful girl from what I can tell from your pics and those hurtful thoughts about yourself doesn`t do you any good. You are stronger than your think, you just need to find a way to access you strenght. (Please pardon my weird language, my english is a bit rusty..)
ReplyDeletefact: boys are stupid. you are not.
ReplyDeleteglad you didn't cut yourself so terribly. if i had a nickel for every time i thought about doing the very same thing...sometimes just thinking about it helps...maybe try doing some artwork to distract you and help focus?? that helps me sometimes.
cheer up tomorrow is a new day :)
I don't think that grand 'plan' of your will ever happen. you're a strong girl and you will make it. fuck tyler, like enid said, guys are stupid. you look very cute with your spongebob headphones. if we lived any closer I'd hang out with you any day!
ReplyDeleteAw lovely girl, don't let boys bring you down. You are so much more(less, hah, get it?) then they will ever be. They don't deserve to see your true emotions, to them you are carefree and loving life. Fuck them. We love you, and won't ever be assholes. Sending you skinnies darling, you deserve so many!
ReplyDeleteThis Tyler sounds like a grade A c*ck! You're better off without him. You're fricken gorgeous babe, honestly. Any guy would be lucky to be with someone like you! I know you're sad, i've been there, but things can get better. Things WILL get better. Just hold your head high, and give yourself a little more credit. You're beautiful inside and out, and remember; We love you more than any guy does (; teehee!
ReplyDeleteMuch love and hugs girly,
El xox
don't worry. guys can be such jerks.
ReplyDeletei know so many people have probably said this to you, but things will get better :) -- it may take sometime, but when things are better, it will be worth it in the end. everybody has they own ways of dealing with things, and everyone has good days and bad days.
stay stong!
-- J
feel better :(
ReplyDeleteand if you ever feel sad, think about spontaneous combustion! that would make a point! :)
love you, girl! thanks for supporting me!