today started off awesome as fuck.
but then i realized that tomorrow is the start of no junk food march, and i kinda paniced. so i sorta, but only sort of, stuffed my face. i had a crunch wrap supreme from taco bell, i had a snickers, some gummy bears, some cheeze its. haha. but today was not that bad.
and tomorrow will be AWESOMEEE.
i've got my girl mandagin backing me up.
and Eager Enid :)
and all you other lovely ladies. much love to you.
im getting a y membership tomorrow.
and i did start ABC today. but im sure i went over 500. but im going to continue doing it, and i will actually meet my limit.
for me being five foot five, how much would i have to weigh to be a size two?
if im roughly a size four/five now.
115 pounds? lower? i honestly have no clue.
im so tired. and im not very sad. yesterday i was soooo sad. with that whole tyler thing. but i needed to know. and now i have no hope. so it hurts so much less.
:)
kinda a sad thought, but hey.
dude. i've been pooping a lot. which is good i suppose. i feel like all the lax the other night kicked my body back into normal gear.
so im getting my Y membership tomorrow... but im not sure if im going tomorrow. im so scared to work out in public! haha.
i will be 118 by the end of march! i can do it!
also, my mom comes home from jail in like 15 days. which is exciting. shes been gone since late september. drunk driving. third offense. lame.
its getting late. i have home work, and i wanna get some sleep in. i am so tired its crazy.
oh! also, i drank almost two liters of diet coke today...
can you be addicted to something like that?
...
anywho, i feel gross. i do not want anything to do with diet coke for a long time now.
hah.
hope you're doing well. cause im really happy for once.
:)
also! my burns are officially healed. damn. that took so long.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
im not there yet. but im closer than i was yesterday.
new start. fuck yeah.
today was not by any means good. because as you know sundays are breakfast at my dads. but today surely was not that bad. so that just means things will only get better from here! :D
im really optimistic today. feeling good.
oh! also shit my brains out this morning. i took 7 lax before bed. cause three is reccomened and five never works. so i took seven. and it worked really well. then i felt really really sick and dry heaved for a very long time. then my stomach hurt so goddamn much. so i went back to bed. on the bright side i was 127 after all that shitting. so this is good.
i need to shower. but its too late for that.
im going to the mall tomorrow. i have no money. which is depressing. but hey. its okay. the mall is fun.
im getting a Y membership for march. im gonna go all the time.
my goal is 118 by the end of march. i got this!
tomorrow im staring ABC. this will be good, i promise.
thanks for always being there for me.
i'll stay here for a while. post regularly and read your girls' blogs. :) it really is inspiring.
random thin ladies.
edittt:
i texted tyler one last time. im so scared for the reply. i figured we dont have a friend ship in jeopardy, and i need to stop hoping. so i need to know.
i said "hey tyler. i like you, and i shouldnt, cause i know you dont like me. so could you tell me honestly, that theres no point in me hoping you'll like me"
and he said "thats sweet of you. but im really sorry, i love morgan" and i said "thats fine" and he said "okay goodnight"
...
..
.
today was not by any means good. because as you know sundays are breakfast at my dads. but today surely was not that bad. so that just means things will only get better from here! :D
im really optimistic today. feeling good.
oh! also shit my brains out this morning. i took 7 lax before bed. cause three is reccomened and five never works. so i took seven. and it worked really well. then i felt really really sick and dry heaved for a very long time. then my stomach hurt so goddamn much. so i went back to bed. on the bright side i was 127 after all that shitting. so this is good.
i need to shower. but its too late for that.
im going to the mall tomorrow. i have no money. which is depressing. but hey. its okay. the mall is fun.
im getting a Y membership for march. im gonna go all the time.
my goal is 118 by the end of march. i got this!
tomorrow im staring ABC. this will be good, i promise.
thanks for always being there for me.
i'll stay here for a while. post regularly and read your girls' blogs. :) it really is inspiring.
random thin ladies.
edittt:
i texted tyler one last time. im so scared for the reply. i figured we dont have a friend ship in jeopardy, and i need to stop hoping. so i need to know.
i said "hey tyler. i like you, and i shouldnt, cause i know you dont like me. so could you tell me honestly, that theres no point in me hoping you'll like me"
and he said "thats sweet of you. but im really sorry, i love morgan" and i said "thats fine" and he said "okay goodnight"
...
..
.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
slacker.
i am a slacker. in all areas of my life.
and im fat. i am a fat slacker.
january i was 122 pounds.
today. today i am 131 pounds.
...
i dont even know what to say...
nine pounds? nine fucking pounds? are you shitting me?!
fuck!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck.
march is a no junk food month. with january this really helped me get down. so it will be fine. this will be okay. i know i've fucked up big time. but i will fix this. it will be okay.
mandagin is going to help me. as always, shes my rock. :)
the boy trouble have calmed. or actually... i've given up. which is good cause it was the hope that hurt. me and dom still boring. i still feel like theres no real spark anymore. but im going to keep trying. and i have stopped talking to tyler. so this will be okay. it will be.
and maybe if i get thin i can have something great. some new love. some new life. some new opportunity. because being thin will be awesome.
im going to go ounce by ounce, pound by pound. i need to not be discouraged so quickly. i give up and give in so quick. but i wont. this will be good.
and im going to start drawing again. and blogging more. and being more productive and artsy.
things will get better. i guess i realized how shitty things were.. now that im fat....
fuck.
its okay its okay. i can get back down.
im so ashamed to admit to you girls how much weight i've gained. but i need to tell you. and i will lose it. you should hold me to that.
and im fat. i am a fat slacker.
january i was 122 pounds.
today. today i am 131 pounds.
...
i dont even know what to say...
nine pounds? nine fucking pounds? are you shitting me?!
fuck!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck.
march is a no junk food month. with january this really helped me get down. so it will be fine. this will be okay. i know i've fucked up big time. but i will fix this. it will be okay.
mandagin is going to help me. as always, shes my rock. :)
the boy trouble have calmed. or actually... i've given up. which is good cause it was the hope that hurt. me and dom still boring. i still feel like theres no real spark anymore. but im going to keep trying. and i have stopped talking to tyler. so this will be okay. it will be.
and maybe if i get thin i can have something great. some new love. some new life. some new opportunity. because being thin will be awesome.
im going to go ounce by ounce, pound by pound. i need to not be discouraged so quickly. i give up and give in so quick. but i wont. this will be good.
and im going to start drawing again. and blogging more. and being more productive and artsy.
things will get better. i guess i realized how shitty things were.. now that im fat....
fuck.
its okay its okay. i can get back down.
im so ashamed to admit to you girls how much weight i've gained. but i need to tell you. and i will lose it. you should hold me to that.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness
yesterday went fine. mostly fruit till i had some fritios really late at night.
today was fine until tyler upset me again. then, i dont know. i just ate. it just feels so good to give in.
im sad again.
i think my depression might have come back. i dont want to have to take medication again. i dont want that. i hope it goes away.
chinese for dinner.
i threw a fit and stormed outta the kitchen. i wouldnt be surprised if i was grounded tomorrow.
my fortune was this:
im not quite sure what that means.
i ended up eating two ice cream sandwiches. 160 calories each. yay.
its 8:30. i would loveee more than anything to just go to bed.
today is tyler and his girlfriends two year anniversary.
i cant let it go.
i dont know why.
i just. i cant.
i ate an orange today:
i feel so melancholy. how can i fix this? what should i do?
i appreciate the girls who text me. :)
you guys mean the world to me.
i have been exercising. some days 30 minutes. some days six. it all depends on how sad i am. i know exercise is supposed to like, raise endorphins, but fuck that. when im sad all i want to do is sleep. not fucking exercise.
im not sure how much i weigh. 127 TOPS. id say... 126. probably.
i dont know.
i'll check next time i take a shower.
would you believe that my burns STILL arent healed all the way? they arent infected anymore though.
my chest has been killing me. i wonder what is actually wrong. because i know it happens when i get sad. but like, why? its not an imaginary pain. it hurts so much when im really sad. so i wonder like medically, what is happening when it hurts like this.
it honestly feels like my heart is aching. like its just this... pulling pain in my chest. it feels like, behind my heart, and in my throat. and it just. hurts so much that im afraid i'll get so sad that i wont be able to breath. that the pain will get in my throat so far that i wont be able to breathe in.
maybe i should find my inhaler.
wow. 8:40.
this took a while.
im done.
love you ladies.
today was fine until tyler upset me again. then, i dont know. i just ate. it just feels so good to give in.
im sad again.
i think my depression might have come back. i dont want to have to take medication again. i dont want that. i hope it goes away.
chinese for dinner.
i threw a fit and stormed outta the kitchen. i wouldnt be surprised if i was grounded tomorrow.
my fortune was this:
im not quite sure what that means.i ended up eating two ice cream sandwiches. 160 calories each. yay.
its 8:30. i would loveee more than anything to just go to bed.
today is tyler and his girlfriends two year anniversary.
i cant let it go.
i dont know why.
i just. i cant.
i ate an orange today:
i feel so melancholy. how can i fix this? what should i do?
i appreciate the girls who text me. :)
you guys mean the world to me.
i have been exercising. some days 30 minutes. some days six. it all depends on how sad i am. i know exercise is supposed to like, raise endorphins, but fuck that. when im sad all i want to do is sleep. not fucking exercise.
im not sure how much i weigh. 127 TOPS. id say... 126. probably.
i dont know.
i'll check next time i take a shower.
would you believe that my burns STILL arent healed all the way? they arent infected anymore though.
my chest has been killing me. i wonder what is actually wrong. because i know it happens when i get sad. but like, why? its not an imaginary pain. it hurts so much when im really sad. so i wonder like medically, what is happening when it hurts like this.
it honestly feels like my heart is aching. like its just this... pulling pain in my chest. it feels like, behind my heart, and in my throat. and it just. hurts so much that im afraid i'll get so sad that i wont be able to breath. that the pain will get in my throat so far that i wont be able to breathe in.
maybe i should find my inhaler.
wow. 8:40.
this took a while.
im done.
love you ladies.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Its not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know
"Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"
hey ladies. i exercised this morning. i honestly have not exercised in a long time. like weeks. i mean i've done like five minutes of abs. but i havent worked out in a long while. but i did this morning at 7. cause i couldnt sleep. i had to eat breakfast with my dad today. thats how it is every sunday. i ate around 600 calories. and burned around 200 this morning. so im at 400ish now. im fat. i am. i gained a lot of weight. i cant get out of this rut. i cant. im so sad. i just... i cant get out.
but im going to try now. i stopped trying. but im trying now. i really am.
have you ever listened to Damien Rice? if not. you should. his songs are the soundtrack to my life. seriously.
"So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?"
tyler drunk texted me last night. i was sleeping. soon as i woke up i was excited. drunk or not. he texted me. he said " *Annnnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* baybay" then he texted me again five minutes later saying "i miss you, we need to hang. ah sorry im drunk texin ya my bad babe."
so i texted him back and i was like "its all good. if i was awake i would have texted you back. if your serious about wanted to hang, that'd be chill"
and a little while ago he texted me back saying "i got pretty drunk haha. dont remember texting you to be honest. lol. sorry hun"
im just so sad again. so im like 128 pounds. and sad. wow. my life is so shitty.
i just want him to like me honestly. even just to mess around. i'd be fine with that. i just want to see him. and spend time with him. fuckkkk. ugh. have a chance.
sorry all i talk about is boys. i appreciate that i still have followers. lol.
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?"
tyler drunk texted me last night. i was sleeping. soon as i woke up i was excited. drunk or not. he texted me. he said " *Annnnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee* baybay" then he texted me again five minutes later saying "i miss you, we need to hang. ah sorry im drunk texin ya my bad babe."
so i texted him back and i was like "its all good. if i was awake i would have texted you back. if your serious about wanted to hang, that'd be chill"
and a little while ago he texted me back saying "i got pretty drunk haha. dont remember texting you to be honest. lol. sorry hun"
im just so sad again. so im like 128 pounds. and sad. wow. my life is so shitty.
i just want him to like me honestly. even just to mess around. i'd be fine with that. i just want to see him. and spend time with him. fuckkkk. ugh. have a chance.
sorry all i talk about is boys. i appreciate that i still have followers. lol.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
And I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways
wow. its been a while hasnt it.
so, hey.
i've been around 125. blah. thats so shitty. i have been doing UNBELIEVABLY terrible with food. i've been eating like theirs no tomorrow. ughhhhh.
like legit. its been terrible.
soooo bad. so bad infact i actually saw "128" the other day. holy fuck!!!
holy. fuck.
that cannot happen! fuckk.
this boy. tylers friend actually. told me i should lose weight.
oh cool. thanks.
i got my license today. i almost didnt pass. i got 20 points. 25 is failing.
damn.
i have been eating so much. im so ashamed.
ugh.
things just have been so shitty.
so, hey.
i've been around 125. blah. thats so shitty. i have been doing UNBELIEVABLY terrible with food. i've been eating like theirs no tomorrow. ughhhhh.
like legit. its been terrible.
soooo bad. so bad infact i actually saw "128" the other day. holy fuck!!!
holy. fuck.
that cannot happen! fuckk.
this boy. tylers friend actually. told me i should lose weight.
oh cool. thanks.
i got my license today. i almost didnt pass. i got 20 points. 25 is failing.
damn.
i have been eating so much. im so ashamed.
ugh.
things just have been so shitty.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How can I make myself, out to be positive when positively everything I know is such a worthless mess, and it’s all that I have.
so im getting better. im getting happier and overall, more okay than i was.
thank you to all of you who stuck by me. :)
and to those of you who told me it would get better. im glad i believed you.
so, i was 126.5 today. oh my fucking god.
so it will be okay. now that im feeling better. things in general will get better.
tomorrow is valentines day. doms making me tacos. haha. my favorite.
since last year i made him home made sugar cookies and tacos he got to make me dinner this year. he is no cook. so i figured tacos would be easy enough for him to do. haha. :)
things with him still are blah. i dont know. i still would like to be tylers girl friend. but hes been ignoring me... so im tyring to move on... :(
i dont want to. but its the hope thats hurting me.
...
makes me sad...
i really like him...
ughhh.
anyways, i dont know. hah.
im up to 126.5 how in the hell did i let this happen? i dont fucking know. damn.
im like, busting out my size fours.
oh, also, me and dom were having sex (which wasnt that great), and he was grabbing my hips, and i was like "ughh. sorry about my love handles" and he said "nah. i like em"
...
he likes my love handles... so he sees em too..
he then went on to say "actually i love them. why else would they be called LOVE handles"
im not sure if he was trying to make me feel better. but i just wanted to dieee.
so goal for this week is to have around a 300-500 net calorie after exercise.
tomorrow may be a little up there. cause its valentines day. but we'll see i guess. ugghh. im so disappointed in myself. i've come so far. and i fucked it up so hard.
ughh.
im going to bed early. without doing homework. fuck that shit.
hah.
have a nice sleep.
ps. my burns are really infected. it hurts.
thank you to all of you who stuck by me. :)
and to those of you who told me it would get better. im glad i believed you.
so, i was 126.5 today. oh my fucking god.
so it will be okay. now that im feeling better. things in general will get better.
tomorrow is valentines day. doms making me tacos. haha. my favorite.
since last year i made him home made sugar cookies and tacos he got to make me dinner this year. he is no cook. so i figured tacos would be easy enough for him to do. haha. :)
things with him still are blah. i dont know. i still would like to be tylers girl friend. but hes been ignoring me... so im tyring to move on... :(
i dont want to. but its the hope thats hurting me.
...
makes me sad...
i really like him...
ughhh.
anyways, i dont know. hah.
im up to 126.5 how in the hell did i let this happen? i dont fucking know. damn.
im like, busting out my size fours.
oh, also, me and dom were having sex (which wasnt that great), and he was grabbing my hips, and i was like "ughh. sorry about my love handles" and he said "nah. i like em"
...
he likes my love handles... so he sees em too..
he then went on to say "actually i love them. why else would they be called LOVE handles"
im not sure if he was trying to make me feel better. but i just wanted to dieee.
so goal for this week is to have around a 300-500 net calorie after exercise.
tomorrow may be a little up there. cause its valentines day. but we'll see i guess. ugghh. im so disappointed in myself. i've come so far. and i fucked it up so hard.
ughh.
im going to bed early. without doing homework. fuck that shit.
hah.
have a nice sleep.
ps. my burns are really infected. it hurts.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
this was a labor of the heart, a passion almost spiritual in its purity and intensity
hey girls.
nothing new. 124 pounds. fuck my life.
i'll fix it. i just need time. but i PROMISE you i will fix it.
tomorrow is a half day. im going to see dom for a few hours.
i am not excited. and i'd rather not see him. i havent wanted to kiss him, and when he tries im not interested in it. which kills me. i should want to kiss him. but i dont.
im so scared im losing attraction to him.
it started with sex. now kissing. god. what if he cant touch me soon? fuckfuckfuck.
that will break my heart. because he was one of the first people who i was okay with touching me.
goddamnit. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
i dont want to do anything.
i dont want to see him, i dont want to kiss him. i dont want to do anything.
i want to just go do my own thing, and not worry about the consequences.
so you know how i got naked on skype? i think i told you that. i was drunk and me and tyler skyped naked. so anyways, today this kid Jake, i think i've mentioned him before, well this kid jake was like trying to black mail me. he was like "so tyler saw your boobs and almost your vag. let me see" and i was like "wtf. no" and he was like "well im sure dom would love to know about that" so i texted tyler and i flipped out i was like "what the fuck tyler! now jake is going to ruin my relationship with dom!" so tyler was like "jake. back the fuck off" and now jakes like "i cant believe you thought i was serious. like i'd want to see your boobs. and you go and run and tell on me. hah!"
everyone is kicking me when im down. but im really grateful to tyler for standing up for me though.
im so so tired. i just need sleep. i am so worn down.
i feel like showing you guys lots of pictures today. so here we go.
im so bloated. this is me today after life guard training.
i ended up burning myself. i put bobby pins on my straighter then pressed them to my skin. sorry if this is too graphic. just sharing.
this is it today. it doesnt hurt anymore.
and here we go. my journey. i was fat ladies. 145 pounds. i was big. so please. just realize that i KNOW i was fat. dont make fun.
i'll see you guys. love you all.
nothing new. 124 pounds. fuck my life.
i'll fix it. i just need time. but i PROMISE you i will fix it.
tomorrow is a half day. im going to see dom for a few hours.
i am not excited. and i'd rather not see him. i havent wanted to kiss him, and when he tries im not interested in it. which kills me. i should want to kiss him. but i dont.
im so scared im losing attraction to him.
it started with sex. now kissing. god. what if he cant touch me soon? fuckfuckfuck.
that will break my heart. because he was one of the first people who i was okay with touching me.
goddamnit. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
i dont want to do anything.
i dont want to see him, i dont want to kiss him. i dont want to do anything.
i want to just go do my own thing, and not worry about the consequences.
so you know how i got naked on skype? i think i told you that. i was drunk and me and tyler skyped naked. so anyways, today this kid Jake, i think i've mentioned him before, well this kid jake was like trying to black mail me. he was like "so tyler saw your boobs and almost your vag. let me see" and i was like "wtf. no" and he was like "well im sure dom would love to know about that" so i texted tyler and i flipped out i was like "what the fuck tyler! now jake is going to ruin my relationship with dom!" so tyler was like "jake. back the fuck off" and now jakes like "i cant believe you thought i was serious. like i'd want to see your boobs. and you go and run and tell on me. hah!"
everyone is kicking me when im down. but im really grateful to tyler for standing up for me though.
im so so tired. i just need sleep. i am so worn down.
i feel like showing you guys lots of pictures today. so here we go.
im so bloated. this is me today after life guard training.
i ended up burning myself. i put bobby pins on my straighter then pressed them to my skin. sorry if this is too graphic. just sharing.
this is it today. it doesnt hurt anymore.
and here we go. my journey. i was fat ladies. 145 pounds. i was big. so please. just realize that i KNOW i was fat. dont make fun.
i'll see you guys. love you all.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
like me you are human, after all, and we know what a joy and terror that is.
hey.
i had a few grapes for breakfast.
then an orange for lunch.
then 1.5 bananas when i came home.
a little yogurt.
an apple.
some nuts.
then three and a half pieces of pizza.
i hung out with ike today. we watched blades of glory, then went to his friend shawns house. we watch "The Town" it was so long. but awesome as fuck. then as the movie has like twenty minutes left, tyler shows up. being a dick. i have realized i am nothing special, no exception. tyler is an ass hole. even to his friends. that is who he is. dom calls while im here. and hes so upset with me. why? because i told him i didnt want to see him... or anyone. i was just trying to make him feel better by saying "i dont want to see you this week. dont take it personally. i dont wanna see anyone" so hes pissed. he thinks im cheating on him. i am not cheatING...
so i get home around 11. my grandma is pissed. since its a school night. and i have an ass load of home work.
i eat three home made cookies with ice cold milk, and do my chemistry home work. oh joy.
dom is still upset. im not going to cut tonight. i panic. and i hyperventilate. so i run down stairs, to my grandma (who i live with cause my moms in jail, in case you forgot), and i break down crying. she knows this is a panic attack. it just hasnt happened in a while. i cry and cry and she holds me and talks to me. and rubs my head. i calm down. once calm i realize she is still touching me and i get up to go upstairs. i grab some pringles and some cheeze-its. i come up here, crack a diet coke and eat. defiantly not as much as i could have. but more than i should have.
so here i am. so much homework left to do. a huge math project due friday. belly full of food. headache. tired. out of time. drained.
i had a few grapes for breakfast.
then an orange for lunch.
then 1.5 bananas when i came home.
a little yogurt.
an apple.
some nuts.
then three and a half pieces of pizza.
i hung out with ike today. we watched blades of glory, then went to his friend shawns house. we watch "The Town" it was so long. but awesome as fuck. then as the movie has like twenty minutes left, tyler shows up. being a dick. i have realized i am nothing special, no exception. tyler is an ass hole. even to his friends. that is who he is. dom calls while im here. and hes so upset with me. why? because i told him i didnt want to see him... or anyone. i was just trying to make him feel better by saying "i dont want to see you this week. dont take it personally. i dont wanna see anyone" so hes pissed. he thinks im cheating on him. i am not cheatING...
so i get home around 11. my grandma is pissed. since its a school night. and i have an ass load of home work.
i eat three home made cookies with ice cold milk, and do my chemistry home work. oh joy.
dom is still upset. im not going to cut tonight. i panic. and i hyperventilate. so i run down stairs, to my grandma (who i live with cause my moms in jail, in case you forgot), and i break down crying. she knows this is a panic attack. it just hasnt happened in a while. i cry and cry and she holds me and talks to me. and rubs my head. i calm down. once calm i realize she is still touching me and i get up to go upstairs. i grab some pringles and some cheeze-its. i come up here, crack a diet coke and eat. defiantly not as much as i could have. but more than i should have.
so here i am. so much homework left to do. a huge math project due friday. belly full of food. headache. tired. out of time. drained.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
the sky is falling off the ceiling, while im tucking fibs into a cookie jar
hey girls. i have to start with i love you. genuinely. id be nothing without each and everyone of you. i have 93 followers. thats so nice. its like friends. i have 93 friends. and i love each one of you. thank you. for loving me too. its cool that were all so close. and that we're all friends even though we've never met, and never will.
today was bad. i've been so sad that i cannot control my eating. i cant. i keep stuffing my face till it hurts. i have realized, i love to hurt. i cut so that i hurt. everything i do is to hurt myself. why do i do this? why? because no matter what i do, or say or how i think, i do not deserve to be happy. i dont. you might say "things will get better". they dont have to. i need to suffer. because i deserve it.
i just need to fucking stop eating. i want it to hurt. but im so addicted to food. im going to fruit fast. if i allow myself to eat, with odd restrictions (like only certain color food, or types of food), i do much better. so fruit and veggie fast for as long as i can. but im aiming specifically for two days. cause it will all get easier from there.
123 pounds today. i need to get it together. i saw 118.5 where the fuck did that go? fuckkfuckfuck. i can do this. i need to be thin. my life will be better if im thin.
me today. after my shower. sorry for the nakedness.
i have baby birthing hips. they're very wide. like even if i get thin. they will still be wide. i bought two pairs of jeans that are too small for me. they're very cute. someday soon they'll fit. they're only a size three. cause im not gonna go out and get a zero. you know? i'll save that for when im closer. ps. i have very small boobs.
im wearing a huge pair of jeans in that picture. they're from when i was around 135. they're like a size 6, or 7.
im a four now. thats pretty cool i think. i like that number. but i cant wait to see three.
i have had no motivation to do anything. im so sad i cant do anything. i dont even watch tv. i dont do home work. i just sit and listen to music all day. then all of a sudden its midnight, and i need to be up in six hours, and i havent exercised. so i havent been exercising more than 10 minutes a day. i'll get better. i will. im just so depressed.
cause you know, it doenst matter how long it takes, as long as you get there.
tyler and ike(my painting boy) are in a band thats getting pretty famous. Cain & Abel. you probably havent heard of them. but they won "Hometown Heroes" in AP magazine. thats how i met tyler. through ike and his band.
they're playing a show this friday and saturday at The Rave.
im going...
im not sure how this will go.
he didnt tell anyone we kissed either. or that he turned me down. i wonder if it will awkward.
not like we'll specifically talk though. cause hes going to be on stage the whole time.
what also sucks is hes the lead singer. so all i have to do is turn on my ipod to hear his voice.
yay.
im so depressed.
i think im going to burn myself tonight.
it hurts so much more.
sorry for telling you. i dont know.
thank you all so much for you kind words.
much love to you.
smile for me.
today was bad. i've been so sad that i cannot control my eating. i cant. i keep stuffing my face till it hurts. i have realized, i love to hurt. i cut so that i hurt. everything i do is to hurt myself. why do i do this? why? because no matter what i do, or say or how i think, i do not deserve to be happy. i dont. you might say "things will get better". they dont have to. i need to suffer. because i deserve it.
i just need to fucking stop eating. i want it to hurt. but im so addicted to food. im going to fruit fast. if i allow myself to eat, with odd restrictions (like only certain color food, or types of food), i do much better. so fruit and veggie fast for as long as i can. but im aiming specifically for two days. cause it will all get easier from there.
123 pounds today. i need to get it together. i saw 118.5 where the fuck did that go? fuckkfuckfuck. i can do this. i need to be thin. my life will be better if im thin.
me today. after my shower. sorry for the nakedness.
i have baby birthing hips. they're very wide. like even if i get thin. they will still be wide. i bought two pairs of jeans that are too small for me. they're very cute. someday soon they'll fit. they're only a size three. cause im not gonna go out and get a zero. you know? i'll save that for when im closer. ps. i have very small boobs.
im wearing a huge pair of jeans in that picture. they're from when i was around 135. they're like a size 6, or 7.
im a four now. thats pretty cool i think. i like that number. but i cant wait to see three.
i have had no motivation to do anything. im so sad i cant do anything. i dont even watch tv. i dont do home work. i just sit and listen to music all day. then all of a sudden its midnight, and i need to be up in six hours, and i havent exercised. so i havent been exercising more than 10 minutes a day. i'll get better. i will. im just so depressed.
cause you know, it doenst matter how long it takes, as long as you get there.
tyler and ike(my painting boy) are in a band thats getting pretty famous. Cain & Abel. you probably havent heard of them. but they won "Hometown Heroes" in AP magazine. thats how i met tyler. through ike and his band.
they're playing a show this friday and saturday at The Rave.
im going...
im not sure how this will go.
he didnt tell anyone we kissed either. or that he turned me down. i wonder if it will awkward.
not like we'll specifically talk though. cause hes going to be on stage the whole time.
what also sucks is hes the lead singer. so all i have to do is turn on my ipod to hear his voice.
yay.
im so depressed.
i think im going to burn myself tonight.
it hurts so much more.
sorry for telling you. i dont know.
thank you all so much for you kind words.
much love to you.
smile for me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
only through destroying myself can i discover the greater power of my spirit
im sorry for how selfish i was to ask you girls to tell me nice things. i just had a little break down. and couldnt stop crying. all of your comments meant the world to me. so thank you so so much.
Tyler used me. end of that story. i told him something along the lines of "i know i mean nothing to you, but regardless we kissed. so where do you and i stand?" and he said "yeah i dont know. we did kiss, but it was more of an impulse. i still have feelings for megan" (the girl hes on a break with)
im done talking to him.
this is okay. its okay.
i was so so stupid to think anybody would be interested in me. why did i think that? im so stupid. its fine its fine. it will be fine.
he didnt text me today. not like i expected him too. i just wanted him to, so that i could not text him back, so he KNEW i was ignoring him. you know?
todays a fast. i had a big mug of hot cocoa. it was huge. so probably like 125 calories. i ended up having a bite of yogurt too. what ever.
i dont deserve to be happy. is it wrong that i feel that way? does anyone else? i legitimately feel like i do not deserve to have the feeling of happiness.
im very upset in general. today.
i told dom that i need some time. that i just want to spend some time by myself.
he said thats fine.
nobody knows how much i hurt. just in general. like, this sadness is crazy. and today i was thinking about how i could slice open my forearm. like across. slicing open a few major veins, enough to need stitches. i would wear a white shirt. a white long sleeved shirt. and i would slice open my arm, bad. and i would walk down stairs. and not say anything. just stand there with blood seeping through my shirt. then some one would notice, how its not a big deal. how i didnt come running down in panic. then they'd take me to the hospital, and see all the other cuts and scars. and then they'd know. then someone would give a shit about how sad i am!
but i wont..
not today.
i want to though. i think thats a grand plan. stupid though. but it would make a huge point.
this is me today. i dont look sad. so how would anyone ever be able to guess?
Tyler used me. end of that story. i told him something along the lines of "i know i mean nothing to you, but regardless we kissed. so where do you and i stand?" and he said "yeah i dont know. we did kiss, but it was more of an impulse. i still have feelings for megan" (the girl hes on a break with)
im done talking to him.
this is okay. its okay.
i was so so stupid to think anybody would be interested in me. why did i think that? im so stupid. its fine its fine. it will be fine.
he didnt text me today. not like i expected him too. i just wanted him to, so that i could not text him back, so he KNEW i was ignoring him. you know?
todays a fast. i had a big mug of hot cocoa. it was huge. so probably like 125 calories. i ended up having a bite of yogurt too. what ever.
i dont deserve to be happy. is it wrong that i feel that way? does anyone else? i legitimately feel like i do not deserve to have the feeling of happiness.
im very upset in general. today.
i told dom that i need some time. that i just want to spend some time by myself.
he said thats fine.
nobody knows how much i hurt. just in general. like, this sadness is crazy. and today i was thinking about how i could slice open my forearm. like across. slicing open a few major veins, enough to need stitches. i would wear a white shirt. a white long sleeved shirt. and i would slice open my arm, bad. and i would walk down stairs. and not say anything. just stand there with blood seeping through my shirt. then some one would notice, how its not a big deal. how i didnt come running down in panic. then they'd take me to the hospital, and see all the other cuts and scars. and then they'd know. then someone would give a shit about how sad i am!
but i wont..
not today.
i want to though. i think thats a grand plan. stupid though. but it would make a huge point.
this is me today. i dont look sad. so how would anyone ever be able to guess?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
can you please
just tell me something nice. say something nice to me. about me. just. anything.
im really sad. and i just need something nice.
im really sad. and i just need something nice.
a lonely speaker in a conversation, her words were swimming through his ears again
thanks guys.
for listening to me everyday. and for caring about whats going on in my life. its nice. so i mean this in the most genuine way possible. thank you.
so this weekend was bad with food. i ate a lot. and today was the worst. the week is always good. then the weekends suck. so whatever. im so stressed. i dont want to think about the weight i have gained. so i wont. not now.
im going to stay with Dom, and not ever tell him about me and Tyler.
i've been with dom for so long that he takes me for granted. i dont see him often. he doesnt tell me im pretty or anything nice like that. when we have sex its for him. he doesnt go down on me. he doesnt.. "warm me up". though i do it for him, every time. tyler isnt any better. ignores me when he feels like. hes always "busy". even just to hang out (nothing sexual intended). they're both equally bad for me. but tyler tells me im petite, and cute. and he likes my eyes, and his favorite part of me is my lips. i just liked that attention. i liked to feel pretty. to not worry about how much i weigh, or if i'll get off during sex. it was just nice to think he'd want me.
and i need to let go of that. because girls, he doesnt like me how i like him. i need to stop. in all honesty, i need to get over it. need to stop texting him, and hoping we'll hang out.
cause its killing me.
im not saying dom is any better.
maybe i dont need either of them.
i think thats something to decided later, when my mind isnt so foggy.
but me and my best friend were talking about dom. and she says that she thinks i can do better, and that i deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.
dom was the one who initially fed my ed. telling me i was "overweight". hes not good for me. hes just all i know.
i dont know what to do.
i've been so sad. so so sad. i want to just sit alone for a long while. not talk to anyone. not see dom for a long time. not talk to him. not talk to tyler. i just want to clear my head. just. think.
ughh. im sorry girls. im so sorry. for only talking about this the past like 10 posts. but this is a huge issue in my life right now.
118 or bust! i appreciated your comment so much. i really liked your comment. i just dont know what to do. i literally feel like i cant think clearly. i dont know what to do. i dont know whats best for me. maybe nothing. maybe being single is whats good. but then again. i have no idea. i dont want to mess stuff up with either boy.
fuckk. fuck fuck.
food, boy and body issues. my life is great.
for listening to me everyday. and for caring about whats going on in my life. its nice. so i mean this in the most genuine way possible. thank you.
so this weekend was bad with food. i ate a lot. and today was the worst. the week is always good. then the weekends suck. so whatever. im so stressed. i dont want to think about the weight i have gained. so i wont. not now.
im going to stay with Dom, and not ever tell him about me and Tyler.
i've been with dom for so long that he takes me for granted. i dont see him often. he doesnt tell me im pretty or anything nice like that. when we have sex its for him. he doesnt go down on me. he doesnt.. "warm me up". though i do it for him, every time. tyler isnt any better. ignores me when he feels like. hes always "busy". even just to hang out (nothing sexual intended). they're both equally bad for me. but tyler tells me im petite, and cute. and he likes my eyes, and his favorite part of me is my lips. i just liked that attention. i liked to feel pretty. to not worry about how much i weigh, or if i'll get off during sex. it was just nice to think he'd want me.
and i need to let go of that. because girls, he doesnt like me how i like him. i need to stop. in all honesty, i need to get over it. need to stop texting him, and hoping we'll hang out.
cause its killing me.
im not saying dom is any better.
maybe i dont need either of them.
i think thats something to decided later, when my mind isnt so foggy.
but me and my best friend were talking about dom. and she says that she thinks i can do better, and that i deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.
dom was the one who initially fed my ed. telling me i was "overweight". hes not good for me. hes just all i know.
i dont know what to do.
i've been so sad. so so sad. i want to just sit alone for a long while. not talk to anyone. not see dom for a long time. not talk to him. not talk to tyler. i just want to clear my head. just. think.
ughh. im sorry girls. im so sorry. for only talking about this the past like 10 posts. but this is a huge issue in my life right now.
118 or bust! i appreciated your comment so much. i really liked your comment. i just dont know what to do. i literally feel like i cant think clearly. i dont know what to do. i dont know whats best for me. maybe nothing. maybe being single is whats good. but then again. i have no idea. i dont want to mess stuff up with either boy.
fuckk. fuck fuck.
food, boy and body issues. my life is great.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
double post
sorry guys, quick little post.
i figured i'd show you what im working with here.
Tyler. im a cheater.
him and his lady.
6'3" very very cute. blue eyes. cuteeee. 20.
Dominic. current.
me and him.
5' 7" cute. freckles. blue eyes. 18.
tylers better looking in my opinion. not that i have a chance. i've realized that hes hoping him and his girl friends "break" will be over. and i was just something to occupy his time.
*sigh*
its not fair.
i figured i'd show you what im working with here.
Tyler. im a cheater.
him and his lady.6'3" very very cute. blue eyes. cuteeee. 20.
Dominic. current.
me and him.5' 7" cute. freckles. blue eyes. 18.
tylers better looking in my opinion. not that i have a chance. i've realized that hes hoping him and his girl friends "break" will be over. and i was just something to occupy his time.
*sigh*
its not fair.
drunk day
so ladies me and my first ever boyfriend from about 6th grade, are super good friends. cause we were so young and such. his name is Levi. anyways we got drunk today. or i did rather. me being around 120 pounds (i binged so fucking bad yesterday), it didnt take all that much. so i was drunk as fuck, walking around town with this boy at around 2 pm. heyhey, dont judge me. he couldnt anyother time. so anyways we were drunk walking around, and i was texting tyler and i sent him the most sophisicated text of my entire life. get ready for it:
"i ammmm drunnnkkkk"
im not sure why i told him. maybe i thought he'd think i was "cool" cause hes like five years older than me. sounds stupid, but i think thats the reason. so i told him that and he was like "... its only 2pm" and then he got all pissy and told me he was "irritated" with me. what the eff? and he wont tell me why. he said "i dont want to talk about it." what did i do wrong? *sigh*
so anyways, not going too into detial we ended up going to a small like diner and getting hot cocoa and french fries. i ate an ass load of fries. i also tired to take a big sip of my hot cocoa and burnt the fuck out of my tongue, and spit the hot, hot cocoa all over the table.
we left, and walked around. and i ended up crying hysterically. so we went and sat by the over hang of a school. he put his jacket around me and i just cried and cried and cried. and his hands on my face and him hugging me is the most reassuring thing i have ever felt in my life. he asked me what was wrong. and i said "levi. can you keep a secret?" he said "of course i can" so i said "i kissed Tyler... and i cant tell anyone"
and he told me that its okay. that it happened and its over, and i need to not dewl on the past.
im surprised. i didnt think i felt bad.
after i finally stopped crying i threw his jackets off me and moved myself as far to the side as i could i threw up the contents of my stomach. good thing too. i ate a lot of fries.
then we walked to one of his friends house. turns out i know his mom. and his mom knows my grandma's best friend. this isnt going to stay quite. *sigh*
im feeling shitty. and sad.
i wish our kiss meant more to tyler. does he realize that i jeopardized EVERYTHING to kiss him? like literally, everything.
i was in the low 120's today.
it'll get better.
im not exercising today. i dont care.
i feel sick.
i drank quite a bit of wiskey and jack daniels.
i have some cheese and crackers. it feels nice on my tummy.
i had a bit of white chocolate too. which i dont usually like. it was nice though.
do you guys listen to Scary Kids Scaring kids? i think they broke up. but regardless, listen to them. i really really enjoy them. currently im listening to "holding on"
i love you guys.
sleep well.
"i ammmm drunnnkkkk"
im not sure why i told him. maybe i thought he'd think i was "cool" cause hes like five years older than me. sounds stupid, but i think thats the reason. so i told him that and he was like "... its only 2pm" and then he got all pissy and told me he was "irritated" with me. what the eff? and he wont tell me why. he said "i dont want to talk about it." what did i do wrong? *sigh*
so anyways, not going too into detial we ended up going to a small like diner and getting hot cocoa and french fries. i ate an ass load of fries. i also tired to take a big sip of my hot cocoa and burnt the fuck out of my tongue, and spit the hot, hot cocoa all over the table.
we left, and walked around. and i ended up crying hysterically. so we went and sat by the over hang of a school. he put his jacket around me and i just cried and cried and cried. and his hands on my face and him hugging me is the most reassuring thing i have ever felt in my life. he asked me what was wrong. and i said "levi. can you keep a secret?" he said "of course i can" so i said "i kissed Tyler... and i cant tell anyone"
and he told me that its okay. that it happened and its over, and i need to not dewl on the past.
im surprised. i didnt think i felt bad.
after i finally stopped crying i threw his jackets off me and moved myself as far to the side as i could i threw up the contents of my stomach. good thing too. i ate a lot of fries.
then we walked to one of his friends house. turns out i know his mom. and his mom knows my grandma's best friend. this isnt going to stay quite. *sigh*
im feeling shitty. and sad.
i wish our kiss meant more to tyler. does he realize that i jeopardized EVERYTHING to kiss him? like literally, everything.
i was in the low 120's today.
it'll get better.
im not exercising today. i dont care.
i feel sick.
i drank quite a bit of wiskey and jack daniels.
i have some cheese and crackers. it feels nice on my tummy.
i had a bit of white chocolate too. which i dont usually like. it was nice though.
do you guys listen to Scary Kids Scaring kids? i think they broke up. but regardless, listen to them. i really really enjoy them. currently im listening to "holding on"
i love you guys.
sleep well.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Let's get these teen hearts beating faster
Peanut, the bad thing here is i do not feel bad at all. and it was not a mistake. see of course i want to stay with my boyfriend. i just suppose i like the... dangerous side of messing around with someone else. ughhh. im terrible. i really am. im not going to tell him. i cant. i wont.
Olivia Lee, your comment was so wonderful i dont think you understand. why do i want this new boys attention? hes so nice, and cute. and i really like him. and it makes me feel good that he could like me too. i am physically attracted to him. but i think a lot of it is that im bored with my boy now. so to know i CANT have Tyler is something i like. my current boyfriend hasnt been making me feel special. i dont know....
i know you dont judge me girl. :)
i love love love that you always send me skinnies. it totally helps! :D
i'd love to talk to you about stuff. you seem so level headed. :)
i went with my painting boy (okay this is annyoing his name is Ike! its Ike!), so anyways, i went with Ike to get his tattoo done today. it took two hours and like fifteen minutes, and he was shaking so hard. cause they were practically tattooing bone hes so skinny.
it has like family meaning. so thats why it might not make sense.
cool none the less i thought.
so i didnt eat all day. then Ike came over to my dads and we had mozzarella sticks and french fries. the home made ones were like 140 calories each, and i had five. plus fries. so the sticks alone were 700. so i purged. almost all of it i think. maybe 150-200 stayed in. i couldnt get all the cheese up. ew.
then later i had some chocolate frosting. so lets go... 400 for the day?
idk.
but other wise, im getting good at this not eating thing. :D
i just need to start exercising again, did i mention its been like five days?
ughh.
i dont feel huge though.
you can lose weight. but only if you do NOTHING. like if you dont eat, then you dont have to exercise. is the way i've been looking at it. lol. but if i eat, i have to exercise. and i hateeee exercising, so i just dont eat. lol.
its 11. fuck me. its late. im tired. but i dont want to sleep yet.
where did my fucking day go?
ugh.
boyfriend is coming over tomorrow. first time i've seen him in a long time.
things wont be weird cause i know i kissed Tyler. they'll be weird cause stuffs been weird.
it started with the whole, im losing interest in having sex with him. idk. its not interesting.
blah. i feel like a hoe.
tomorrow will be good. i told the kids at my lunch table since i eat such a big breakfast *lie* that i dont want to eat lunch. and that when i get home i have a big snack *lie* so i wont even be hungry for long. which means. i dont need to eat lunch anymore.
cool. cool.
love you girls.
88 followers. :)
thank you.
Olivia Lee, your comment was so wonderful i dont think you understand. why do i want this new boys attention? hes so nice, and cute. and i really like him. and it makes me feel good that he could like me too. i am physically attracted to him. but i think a lot of it is that im bored with my boy now. so to know i CANT have Tyler is something i like. my current boyfriend hasnt been making me feel special. i dont know....
i know you dont judge me girl. :)
i love love love that you always send me skinnies. it totally helps! :D
i'd love to talk to you about stuff. you seem so level headed. :)
i went with my painting boy (okay this is annyoing his name is Ike! its Ike!), so anyways, i went with Ike to get his tattoo done today. it took two hours and like fifteen minutes, and he was shaking so hard. cause they were practically tattooing bone hes so skinny.
it has like family meaning. so thats why it might not make sense.
cool none the less i thought.
so i didnt eat all day. then Ike came over to my dads and we had mozzarella sticks and french fries. the home made ones were like 140 calories each, and i had five. plus fries. so the sticks alone were 700. so i purged. almost all of it i think. maybe 150-200 stayed in. i couldnt get all the cheese up. ew.then later i had some chocolate frosting. so lets go... 400 for the day?
idk.
but other wise, im getting good at this not eating thing. :D
i just need to start exercising again, did i mention its been like five days?
ughh.
i dont feel huge though.
you can lose weight. but only if you do NOTHING. like if you dont eat, then you dont have to exercise. is the way i've been looking at it. lol. but if i eat, i have to exercise. and i hateeee exercising, so i just dont eat. lol.
its 11. fuck me. its late. im tired. but i dont want to sleep yet.
where did my fucking day go?
ugh.
boyfriend is coming over tomorrow. first time i've seen him in a long time.
things wont be weird cause i know i kissed Tyler. they'll be weird cause stuffs been weird.
it started with the whole, im losing interest in having sex with him. idk. its not interesting.
blah. i feel like a hoe.
tomorrow will be good. i told the kids at my lunch table since i eat such a big breakfast *lie* that i dont want to eat lunch. and that when i get home i have a big snack *lie* so i wont even be hungry for long. which means. i dont need to eat lunch anymore.
cool. cool.
love you girls.
88 followers. :)
thank you.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills"
its finally official.
a few things are official.
1. this morning i woke up to a scale telling me:
(excuse my hammer toes. the bones are shaped wrong)
2. i cheated. i am a cheater. i cheated. *sigh* i dont know how i feel about this. i dont know if i feel guilty. im not sure. Tyler came over. and we played wii and were all close and cuddly. and i promised him id show him my boobs (after drunk skyping him yesterday). so i showed him my boobs, then i pulled my shirt back down. and he walked over and put his hands on my face and put his lips to mine. not like a kiss though. just kind of idly there. my heart was pounding so hard in my chest. then we pulled back. and stood there with my head on his chest. my head barely even reach like nipple high on him. it was nice. i moved and sat on the loveseat and he was just standing sorta in front of me. then he said something. i dont remember what it was. i was still lost in the fact his lips were like, just on mine. then after he said what i dont remember he walks over and leans down, puts on hand on either arm of the loveseat and kisses me. i didnt kiss back at first. but then i did. i dont know why. my heart was trying to rip out of my chest. he pulls back. says something again. i rest my elbows on my knees, and look at the floor smiling. he says something again, about how "awestruck" i look. i was. and then he comes and sits next to me. i turn and he kisses me again. we lean back and his tongue brushes my lips. we made out. and he pulled me on top of him, and were making out and hes grinding on me and his hands are roaming my body. i pull off him and tell him i cant. he says "... im sorry... if that was a bad idea.."
i assured him it wasnt. and eventually he went home.
sorry that was detailed. its just this huge secret i have now cause i cant tell anyone. no way in hell im telling my boyfriend. which makes me feel terrible. god. fuck. fuck fuck.
it was so nice though. so sneaky and exhilarating.
i pretty much fasted today. i had some hotcocoa (50), a candy cane (75), some lemonade (20), and i ended up licking a spoonfull of frosting. which is like 200 calories a table spoon or something crazy. so im gonna say 200 for that, to be safe. which is 345 total.
i planned on working out today, but time got so far away from me.
date with painting boy tomorrow. hes getting a tattoo and im coming with.
man. shits crazy.
a few things are official.
1. this morning i woke up to a scale telling me:
(excuse my hammer toes. the bones are shaped wrong)
2. i cheated. i am a cheater. i cheated. *sigh* i dont know how i feel about this. i dont know if i feel guilty. im not sure. Tyler came over. and we played wii and were all close and cuddly. and i promised him id show him my boobs (after drunk skyping him yesterday). so i showed him my boobs, then i pulled my shirt back down. and he walked over and put his hands on my face and put his lips to mine. not like a kiss though. just kind of idly there. my heart was pounding so hard in my chest. then we pulled back. and stood there with my head on his chest. my head barely even reach like nipple high on him. it was nice. i moved and sat on the loveseat and he was just standing sorta in front of me. then he said something. i dont remember what it was. i was still lost in the fact his lips were like, just on mine. then after he said what i dont remember he walks over and leans down, puts on hand on either arm of the loveseat and kisses me. i didnt kiss back at first. but then i did. i dont know why. my heart was trying to rip out of my chest. he pulls back. says something again. i rest my elbows on my knees, and look at the floor smiling. he says something again, about how "awestruck" i look. i was. and then he comes and sits next to me. i turn and he kisses me again. we lean back and his tongue brushes my lips. we made out. and he pulled me on top of him, and were making out and hes grinding on me and his hands are roaming my body. i pull off him and tell him i cant. he says "... im sorry... if that was a bad idea.."i assured him it wasnt. and eventually he went home.
sorry that was detailed. its just this huge secret i have now cause i cant tell anyone. no way in hell im telling my boyfriend. which makes me feel terrible. god. fuck. fuck fuck.
it was so nice though. so sneaky and exhilarating.
i pretty much fasted today. i had some hotcocoa (50), a candy cane (75), some lemonade (20), and i ended up licking a spoonfull of frosting. which is like 200 calories a table spoon or something crazy. so im gonna say 200 for that, to be safe. which is 345 total.
i planned on working out today, but time got so far away from me.
date with painting boy tomorrow. hes getting a tattoo and im coming with.
man. shits crazy.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Everything is nothing, and it's so cool to be ENLIGHTENED. Like me.
february first girls. today went badly. but i wasnt trying. it was the end of no junk food january, which i successfully completed. so today was a "eah. it'll be okay" day i suppose. which i shouldnt have done. but it was so nice to let go. i didnt binge. just ate like a "normal" person. pizza with my friends and a cookie. you know? normal things. i cuddled. with that painting boy today. we were watching scary zombie movies, and he doesnt like scary movies. so we were both on a big-ish chair pressed up against each other, with his arm around my shoulder and my head on his chest.
it was so nice. no cheating intentions. it was just lovely. sitting listening to his heart.
so last night my boyfriend called me for our usual "goodnight" call. and i was about to hang up, so i said "okay love you, goodnight". then he suddenly stops me sand says "WAITWAIT" so i say "...yeah?" and he said "if you ever cheat on me, make sure its with some one you dont like very much, because when i get done pounding their face into the pavement, you wont even recognize them." i was so fucking shocked.
i was like "...haha. what makes you say that?"
he said "im just saying, cause you've been hanging out with some new guys"
well. i dont plan on cheating. so thats good.
me and tyler were texting, and i was telling him about how i hate being touched. like i hate it so much. i dont like hugs, i hate to cuddle, i dont like pats on the knee or back. which is how i know my boyfriend is right for me. he can touch me. and it doesnt gross me out. painting boy doesnt gross me out either.
i dont even like to touch my best friend. or my grandma, or even my mom. i dont like physical contact.
so anyways i was texting tyler and he said:
"" I mean you say you would 'do' me if you were single and same goes for me. But hypothetically if we both were how would that happen if i couldn't touch you lol... Anyway im not trying to make a move lol just saying""
hahhhh. im too much of a flirt ladies.
but come onnnn. hes gonna be 21 this year. and hes 6 foot 3. i told him of course i'd do him. lol.
but i told him he can try to hug me next time i see him. and he was like "ahhh kay"
i need to cool my jets with these boys. i feel like im on a fine line here. a tightrope really. my boyfriends on one side and these other boys are on the other. and i hope i dont lose my balance.
*sigh*
this has never happened before. you know what it must be? the ONLY thing thats different is my weight. ITS FUCKING TRUE! i have proven that guys are all over skinny girls. though we knew that already. :3
haha.
i've been pooping a lot. thats good i suppose. since im usually so constipated its not funny.
i think i have mostly guy friends because it makes me feel so good about myself.
i have like the lowest self esteem out of anybody, and the guys i hang out with hit on me all day. some joking, some not. regardless. it makes me feel so good.
i got invited to a drinking party this satruday. and i was soooooo excited. then he took back his invitation because i wouldnt do anything sexual with him. he really expected me to let him see my naked body just because he knew how bad i wanted to go to his party. i almost cried. it made me feel like whore. (good this this was over texts or i might've cried) but im not allowed to go. seriously. what a fucking prick. i told him that too. and he was like "whatever"
stupid collage boys. thinking they are all that. if hes all that why is he trying to get me to show him my body? why not someone his own age? playing on my insecurities.
i told painting boy that this party kid was trying to get me to show him my body (they're really really good friends) and painting boy told me "hes a prick. and hes not a nice guy. tell me what he says to you. i'll protect you. you'll need it. i know what type of guy he is"
uuuugghhhh.
my life is so hectic.
i think im going to continue not eating junk food for a while.
today just hurt.
my body was used to not having it.
and now i have heart burn and i have to shittt.
icky.
snow day tomorrow. blizzard conditions. around two feet of snow.
yay wisconsin.
this is me today. i liked my out fit.
i realized today. im finally becoming the person i've always wanted. 122 isnt where i want to be. but im totally doing it. im not 145ish. im not. im doing so well for myself. today i just realized, that...well... im not fat. im getting thin. i CAN be bony. i totally can. i dont know why i always thought i couldnt do it. i mean its hard or whatever. but i totally can do it. it just takes time.
also. this is a really fat girl in my art class. nasty as fuck. look at her. ew. does she realize how huge she is? or does she just not care?
just think about how far you've come. like actually think about all the pounds that are gone. they arent on your body. you ARE thinner than you were. you are.
you can totally do this. i know you can.
it just takes some hard work.
you can do it though.
:)
ps. yes thats L :)
me and my boyfriend love death note. i painted L and he did Kira/Light.
im a very cartoon drawer/painter. :P
it was so nice. no cheating intentions. it was just lovely. sitting listening to his heart.
so last night my boyfriend called me for our usual "goodnight" call. and i was about to hang up, so i said "okay love you, goodnight". then he suddenly stops me sand says "WAITWAIT" so i say "...yeah?" and he said "if you ever cheat on me, make sure its with some one you dont like very much, because when i get done pounding their face into the pavement, you wont even recognize them." i was so fucking shocked.
i was like "...haha. what makes you say that?"
he said "im just saying, cause you've been hanging out with some new guys"
well. i dont plan on cheating. so thats good.
me and tyler were texting, and i was telling him about how i hate being touched. like i hate it so much. i dont like hugs, i hate to cuddle, i dont like pats on the knee or back. which is how i know my boyfriend is right for me. he can touch me. and it doesnt gross me out. painting boy doesnt gross me out either.
i dont even like to touch my best friend. or my grandma, or even my mom. i dont like physical contact.
so anyways i was texting tyler and he said:
"" I mean you say you would 'do' me if you were single and same goes for me. But hypothetically if we both were how would that happen if i couldn't touch you lol... Anyway im not trying to make a move lol just saying""
hahhhh. im too much of a flirt ladies.
but come onnnn. hes gonna be 21 this year. and hes 6 foot 3. i told him of course i'd do him. lol.
but i told him he can try to hug me next time i see him. and he was like "ahhh kay"
i need to cool my jets with these boys. i feel like im on a fine line here. a tightrope really. my boyfriends on one side and these other boys are on the other. and i hope i dont lose my balance.
*sigh*
this has never happened before. you know what it must be? the ONLY thing thats different is my weight. ITS FUCKING TRUE! i have proven that guys are all over skinny girls. though we knew that already. :3
haha.
i've been pooping a lot. thats good i suppose. since im usually so constipated its not funny.
i think i have mostly guy friends because it makes me feel so good about myself.
i have like the lowest self esteem out of anybody, and the guys i hang out with hit on me all day. some joking, some not. regardless. it makes me feel so good.
i got invited to a drinking party this satruday. and i was soooooo excited. then he took back his invitation because i wouldnt do anything sexual with him. he really expected me to let him see my naked body just because he knew how bad i wanted to go to his party. i almost cried. it made me feel like whore. (good this this was over texts or i might've cried) but im not allowed to go. seriously. what a fucking prick. i told him that too. and he was like "whatever"
stupid collage boys. thinking they are all that. if hes all that why is he trying to get me to show him my body? why not someone his own age? playing on my insecurities.
i told painting boy that this party kid was trying to get me to show him my body (they're really really good friends) and painting boy told me "hes a prick. and hes not a nice guy. tell me what he says to you. i'll protect you. you'll need it. i know what type of guy he is"
uuuugghhhh.
my life is so hectic.
i think im going to continue not eating junk food for a while.
today just hurt.
my body was used to not having it.
and now i have heart burn and i have to shittt.
icky.
snow day tomorrow. blizzard conditions. around two feet of snow.
yay wisconsin.
this is me today. i liked my out fit.
i realized today. im finally becoming the person i've always wanted. 122 isnt where i want to be. but im totally doing it. im not 145ish. im not. im doing so well for myself. today i just realized, that...well... im not fat. im getting thin. i CAN be bony. i totally can. i dont know why i always thought i couldnt do it. i mean its hard or whatever. but i totally can do it. it just takes time.
also. this is a really fat girl in my art class. nasty as fuck. look at her. ew. does she realize how huge she is? or does she just not care?
just think about how far you've come. like actually think about all the pounds that are gone. they arent on your body. you ARE thinner than you were. you are.
you can totally do this. i know you can.
it just takes some hard work.
you can do it though.
:)
ps. yes thats L :)
me and my boyfriend love death note. i painted L and he did Kira/Light.
im a very cartoon drawer/painter. :P
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