school tomorrow

tomorrow is my first day of school. its only a half day, i dunno why. stuffs good. sorry i havent updated in a long time. i've been lazy i guess. playing a lot of wii, and organizing my school supplies.
i've been spending a lot of time with my boy. its been lovely.

128 pounds. not much new. went grocery shopping, bought tons of veggies and jello. and there was a sale on soda. so i got four cases of diet soda for only nine dollars. :O
haha.

how are you guys?

hey ladies and possibly gentlemen

things have started to even out. just, in general. your comments really helped me. honestly. so thank you so much. my weight isnt too down. 128 as of yesterday. so that 135 was more because my body was gorged with food. like seriously. if i had had seams, they would have been bursting. i did decent the past few days. but today not so well. my boys mom has been in englad and she just got back. shes such a sweetie. she brought me back socks and earrings, and candy. and she had shortbread cookies from england. she has commented in the past about how she thinks i dont eat enough (when i lost like 15 pounds, not now that im a fat pig). and i didnt want to be rude since she bought them. so i ate them. so im just, not going to total my days calories. because i did fine up until the 280 calorie candybar and 100 calorie cookie, and so on. soo.. yeah.

i feel like im barely hanging in there. like im relying so much on school starting to lose weight. and i know it will help. but i hope it actually does help. like, what if its still this hard. it didnt used to be hard. and that WAS during school. but then summer came and the weight loss stopped. and its gotten hard. i think its easier for me to lose weight during the winter school year. so, what ever. i am not making up excuses to eat like shit now. im not, i swear.

i've been having very very bad dreams. so i was reading on what your dreams mean. and it just makes me sad. im not close to my dad at all. and i had a dream about him last night, and he was like "i love you." and i couldnt say it back and then he started to cry and said "please... why cant you say it back?" it may not sound like much but it was terrible. and i miss him so goddamn much. i miss being a family. living with my mommy and daddy. my grandma keeps accidentally referring to my grandpa as my "dad". she be like "go ask your dad..." and stuff like that. i cant take this. im still a kid. i am. being younger than 18 makes me a kid still.
i just, i feel... broken.
i do. i feel like there is nothing. and i mean i know there is. like i have my health (whatever), and i have a roof over my head. and all that shit. but its bad. im sad most of the time. and i have this feeling that i cant explain. i guess broken is as close as its gonna come to putting a name to this feeling.
i actually woke up crying today. like bawling hysterically. and i live with my grandma, and all i wanted was my mom. so i called her, and she drove over here. and just sat with me. thats all. and it made me happy. isnt that sad? that i see my mom that often that it makes me happy to have her just sit next to me, not even talking.
i feel like i cant do this anymore. live the way im living. and by NO means am i gonna end my life, i couldnt. im too afraid of dying. im just saying something in my life needs to change. i need some one to love me and put all the pieces back together.


okay, im so sorry that was so long. i just needed to vent. love you all. have a nice night.

annie.

i dont even know anymore

in the longest fucking time my weight as not got above 131. it did today. i mean i was fully clothed. but thats a cheap excuse. i need help girls. everything as seemed different since one specific date in time when i had the worst panic attack ever. i got high. and it was a baddddd trip. and it hurt so bad. like it hurt my chest and my head, and everything. and since then everything has been weird. like everything, i dont know how many calories i've been eating, i cant sleep, and even sex with my boyfriend doesnt feel good. and i just cant seem to focus. i've lost my way. so i need help.

how many calories should i eat a day. i mean i know thats a stupid question. but how many? should i eat breakfast? gah. this is stupid.

what is considered a binge? i really dont know anymore. in all seriousness.

and i've come to realize i have started to fear pain. of any sort. i cant purge anymore. because i dont want it to hurt. i dont exercise too hard because i dont want to be sore. and im ashamed of this. but its true. i used to love the pain. but im so scared of it.

and i cant focus anymore. i just want to be thin. today, i ate so much. so so so much. just all day. what ever i wanted. all day. and about half an hour ago i weighed myself and i was 136. i dont feel this is possible. but i have eaten all fucking day. and didnt exercise yesterday or today. i dont know what to do.

im not sure what you can do to help. advice would be nice. how do you go about your day? i just need to know how to get back into the rhythm of ana. please.

nothing new

i start school very soon. im so nervous. i dont look nearly as thin as i wanted to be. but i did leave last year being much bigger than i am now. so i suppose i do look better.
school helps me lose weight, because you cant snack all day. im not sure how things will go. im down in inches. my arms are almost only nine inches, my hips are 34, my waist is 26.5, so things are getting better. im seriously doubting myself though. the way i cant get down past 125 pounds, i dont think i ever will be able too. what do i need to do? crap. once school starts lets see how stuff goes with my weight. if i can get it down to like 122, or 123 then i'll start to believe in my self again.

i think im looking forward to school. its exactly the structure i need in my life. i feel like during school, loosing weight is just like home work, something that needs to be done. so i think i can do it. and that gives me hope.

i had a muffin and a glass of milk today. im at 200 calories so far. im going to the mall later, but i dont have much money so food isnt an option. haha.

thats about all.
i guess i'll update later. :)

it feels so good

one-hundred twenty-six pounds. my muscles are sore. and im sweaty. i feel fantastic. and thanks girls for the comments. your super supportive Kitty and Mrs. Skeleton Strong. and Skeleton Strong, i really really appreciate the advice. :) its very helpful. i used to be so happy, and very interested, and good at, art. and i think im going to take that up again. so thanks.

yesterday went very very well. ended up not too bad calorie wise. today was worse, but not very great. i exercised both days, its awesome.

i got a new tooth brush, its fantastic. brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things. in case you dont know, i take GREAT pride in my teeth. i didnt have braces for nearly four years for nothing.

im gonna shave my legs tomorrow. it'll be nice. lol. i've waited too long.

also, tomorrow i have a pizza date with the boy. so i'll exercise very hard, and eat two pieces tops. everything should go well. :)

i got the cutest pair of jeans! and i realize, threes are too small, and fives are too big. but pants here dont come in fours. so i guess im a four. but the jeans i bought are a five. makes me feel fat. but they're real cute blue jeans. :)

how are you doing?

its been a while!

im very sorry guys. i've just been so fucking depressed. only sleeping and eating. and the other day i flipped out, and i finally realized its about time to get back on track. i had sort of a wake up call. 130 pounds. waist 29 inches, hips 35 inches. fucking shit shit fuck fuck. so. i got this now. i cannot and will not be fat. i've eaten 90 calories today. a yogurt and a jello. and i already exercised. burned at least 200 calories. i can do this. i will do this.

i have not been reading blogs. im sorry. i'll catch up though! dont fret. :)
in factttt, i'll go do that now!

quickly

i just wanted to say hey, im still here and alive! lol. i slept at the boys house. came home and fed the cats. didnt eat to bad today, but i did have a big bread roll. shouldnt have but i did. i didnt sleep more than 4 hours last night so im going to go read my Cosmopolitan and then take a nap. :)

hope your doing well.
love you guys.
31 followers!
:D
<3

oh, and i wanted to thank all of you so much for you comments. it makes me so happy to know someone cares. :) you guys are just, so wonderful to me! i love it! its a fantastic feeling, to feel like some one can give you their honest opinion, and still love you. so thanks guys, really. :) you bring a smile to my face.

neglecting

so since my kidneys hurt i did nothing. but then my appetite came back and i still did nothing, nothing but eat. so im very upset. the scale is at 130 pounds. oh. my. fucking. god.
but im trying to take a breath. because i KNOW i will get it under control. but i have been really sick. and i just, needed to eat i guess. so i dont care, for the time being. im really hating my body. but i am still sick. so im sorta just, eah. trying to not flip out. i havent even been eating shit. ive just been eating. so i will get it under control. so it will be okay, right?
i just need to stop hurting to exercise and such.
is this understandable, or am i just being a fat cow?
honesty please.

i have 30 followers. :) love all you guys!

i had a very very rough night. me and my boy had a fight. like, not like yelling or i hate you, or i'll leave you. but he said, some... very very hurtful things to me. and i couldnt even retaliate. i couldnt. he gave me a panic attack. and i couldnt stop crying. i have bags under my eyes today. :/

i dont know. im fat, and im sad. what a bad time!

new followers! :D happy day

i dont want to talk about food. or how much i hate myself. so im going to tell you about me.

hello, my name is Annie Marie and i plan to marry my boy. his name is Dominic. :) he gave me a promise ring. im not nearly old enough to get married. but that doesnt matter.
i live with my grandparents because my real mom and dad are divorced, and i much rater prefer to live here. i have a sister and a brother, they live between my parents. i live in the loft above my grandmas garage. it is seriously really nice and its like a little apartment. alcoholics run in the family, so i try not to drink. i do smoke some, but other wise when im high i usually end up crying in my room. im still in high school, and im a straight A honors student. but sometimes the pressure of everything is too much. i used to cut. but my boy made me promise i'd stop. so i do my best. i have ADHD and depression, i used to be medicated, but im not right now. im getting back on things though. i seriously was fat. and im ashamed. im so scared that i'll never be happy, with myself mostly. i know its kind of contradicting but i cannot wait to get pregnant, i cant wait till i feel a baby growing in side of me. and to feel beautiful for growing bigger.
oh, and i have two beautiful kittens! they are a very small breed. so they'll always look sorta like kittens. butttt they are almost a year old now! :D i love them. and since i live pretty much alone up in this loft, it gets scary, especially since im afraid of the dark. so they protect me. :)


so there you have it! :D

girls i dont know

im so sick. i have a kidney infect, a sinus infection, and a fever of over 100. so im not sure how often i'll be updating. im so sorry. my home scale said 125, the doctors later on in the day said 130. i dont care. i hurt to bad to care. i have an ultrasound tomorrow, for my kidneys.
i cant keep anything down. even like water. i just puke and puke. and when its only water, just dry heaving. it hurts.
this is a terrible time. with killer migraines. im trying to eat some soup now. i also have a little treat, a diet sprite. im not sure about this though.

anywho, i have not forgot about you guys. i just, havent had a chance to get on here.
my boy is going to come have a sleep over with me. so i dont have to be alone. how sweet is he.

i'll catch up and your blogs. and hopefully comment. :)

smile.

eah

im too tired for anything really.
i know, excuses excuses.

went to state fair today. didnt do great. didnt do terrible.

im so exhausted. i just need to go to bed.
i hope you're all doing well.

:)
much love.

hello

i see i have a few new followers. :D cool beans.

i went through my room today, and found shit tons of old pictures. i was fat. way to ruin good memories.

i had a small bowl of cereal, and one baby carrot so far today.

i have a swim test tonight at 7:00. then tomorrow at 3 im going to the state fair, it has rides and such.
im super nervous about the swim test. its to see if i can handle being a life guard.
you guys saw the suite i have, the yellow one that i posted pics of. i dont want to have to wear that in front of everyone! :( maybe they'll let me wear like a tank top and shorts. do you think? or is that unprofessional? it'll probably weigh me down. gahh, i dont know what to do. im so nervous.

im not sure about today. im too lazy to exercise, i know. im too lazy for anything, but eating. im ashamed.
but i'll probably eat today, a lot more than i should.

one; i just want to eat.
two; my brain is telling my body its okay, you need energy to swim later.

bullshit.

thats it i suppose. i think i'll have some baked tortilla chips with beans. sooo, yeah, it'll probably stop there. and if it doesnt then i'll have a grilled cheese. so yes.

hope you guys are doing better than i am.

you are beautiful. you really are.

im very sorry

i've been gone for a while. i've been super super sick. and i've done nothing. like, nothing. so im very sorry!! i noticed i had 25 followers, but today i have 24! D:
im sorry to who ever decided not to follow me anymore.

im 125 pounds as of this morning. which is awesome considered how much ice cream i've eaten lately.

i went to the therapist the other day, for the first time. and i guess i have depression, and ADHD. :O
sooo, im probably going to get medication. i was on anti depressants once but i gained four pounds and quit that shit. so if it happens this time im not sure.
maybe it'll even out, like ADHD shit sometimes makes you not hungrryyy.

i dont even know. i guess we will see what happens.

im sorry i was gone for a while, im glad you guys still stuck with me. :)


ohhh, and i got my boyfriend sick too! he came over to be niceeee and he even gave me kisses. now hes sick. :( poor boy, that was really nice of him though.

i guess thats all really. :)
have a nice day.

its been a few days

i havent posted in a few days. i dont know, i didnt get lazy, i did log on and read your guises blogs, i just felt i had nothing to say.
but i do have 2 new followers! yay for friends! :P
my weight always jumps everywhere, but lately its been going down.
it was 129, then 127, then 126.5 and today it was 125.5. so idk. good? i havent been eating like complete shit. i dont eat all day, then get hungry and eat dinner. sooo not too bad. i feel like i've been doing better than i have in a while.

i've been so happy. i havent been looking at myself naked in the mirror, i have been worrying about my body as usual, but i've been pretending its not there. so, i just feel not as shitty all day. and my boy has been in such a good mood this whole week. and i just feel wonderful. :)

sorry i didnt post for a couple days. idk.
im very tired. its 1 in the morning here.
i'll most likely post tomorrow. :)

stay beautiful!

morning ladies

so i have gained four pounds. just getting that out there. i got lazy on exercising and, i've just stopped.

i realize how bad i've been doing. and im just... gross, and disappointed. i ate today. a lot. so, what ever. i've decided to fast. for as long as i can. starting tomorrow morning. and i WILL exercise at least 3-5 times a week.

got high yesterday, and binged. no surprises there. im just so upset. and so fat. there isnt much to say today. im still real sick. i have a sinus infection.
so im just going to sleep all day, or something.

stay lovely ladies.
i hope your doing better than i am.

two of them

i had two bowls of cereal. what ever. im a failure, i know.

any way, i used to have this friend her name was Jessica. she never ate. like honestly, we would all got out to lunch and she would NEVER eat. and we never made her. we would just joke and laugh how she didnt eat food. we never thought of an eating disorder. now a few years later, i realize once she thought she was pregnant, because she stopped getting her period. yeah, i cant believe i never knew. were not friends anymore. so it doesnt matter. but i thought i'd show you some pictures of her. shhhh, dont tell her im showing you. :P

above is her and her best friend, shes the taller one.




and this is her and her little brother. not the cutest girl. but she is pretty darn thin.
thats all i suppose.
may update later.

so guys quick update

i wanted to show you guys my arms. idk.
how big around are your arms? mine are now 9.5 inches.

this is me flexing. otherwise im getting more confident that i dont have nasty ass arms.

the airshow

my boy was away for the the past week and a half, and i went up to the airshow, where he was, and now im home. the past few days, i barley ate, but i dont know... i dont feel little, i dont feel pretty. and thats not just like an ED thing... i dont think i gained, but i really didnt lose anything. im so afraid of the scale, especially since its... that time, of the month. i hate to use that as an excuse but, you know how it is. i didnt eat much yesterday, a bowl of cereal, then at like 8 at night my guy had a whole container of Oreos. ahhhh. i swear i had like 5. :/
but, aside from the bowl of cereal, and the cookies... i drank.
i never ever ever do. but i did. a lot. so that may as well be a binge in its self.
dont be disappointed in me.

so i see i now have 21 followers! thank you, you beautiful people! haha. :)

i havent exercised in a while. but i promise promise i will.
i think i pose a threat to my boy. he felt my arms, and he was like, "shiittt, since when did you get so strong?" and i was like "Jillian Michaels BITCHHH"
lol.
and he wants to do it with me. i love that. :)
i love him.
so next time i see him, we'll probably do that.
and i'll show him up, because im more fit than him.
hes is so thin, and very strong, but i have more endurance and can recover from a workout faster.

anywho, i think thats it.
:P

stay positive.