depression

i was diagnosed with depression, and i have sever social anxiety.
i took medication for a while. until i felt better, then i stopped. i cant get a refill until i talk to someone again. and i cant. they judge me. i know they do. they ask whats wrong, but they honestly could care fucking less. which isnt fair. i've seen many people, and i havent felt like ONE didnt judge me. but then again, i also hate shopping because i also KNOW the people who are scanning my items are thinking about why i bought what i bought, ultimately, judging me.
i dont know.
my mother has a lot of mental health problems, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. and the agoraphobia is hereditary. i think i might have it. i cannot talk on the phone. i cannot order my dinner at a restaurant. i hate being alone in big places.


i keep having this deja vu that someone i know is going to find this, or i'll forget to clear the history on my computer, and my life is fucking ruined. i've had dreams about it too. that my life gets RUINED. that everything falls to shit. that everyone is disappointed in me and that my boyfriend wont be with me because i kept this secret from him. im so scared.

i havent been sleeping. and i get up at 6 every morning for school. so this is shit. i got four hours of sleep, then had to sit through 8 hours of honors classes, then i had to find a ride home from school, which i didnt have. and i almost had to walk the nearly 10 miles to my house, in the freezing cold, wearing a dress.

i just feel like everything is so shitty.

ive been crying a lot. that goes along with the whole, i cant sleep thing.
i have this crushing pain in my chest. not physically, like i have a bruise, or i got hit.
but like, inside of me, just hurts so much. its hard to explain. i think im depressed.

im 123 today. i weighed after i had eaten around 400 calories. my goal was 120 by tomorrow, my birthday. im sorry i disappointed you guys. i did end up losing five pounds though.
so not all bad.

im so tired. but im not even half way done with home work due at 7 am tomorrow. then i get to sit through a whole day of people expecting me to be happy and smiley because im another year closer to fucking death.

thats one of my biggest fears. dying. its so weird to think about. its not a fear like being afraid of the dark. its a saddening fear, that will come true, at anytime anywhere during my life. and i havent accomplished anything, and i dont think i will.

i have this yearning to be something. i dont know what. but i feel like i was born to do something special, to be some special. i feel like im missing my chance. i feel like im keeping a secret from my self. like i know what i have to do, i know what will make me special before i die. but i wont tell my self. i dont know. this is stupid. its also hard to explain.

i feel like im better than everyone i meet. not you girls. you girls are different. but the kids at school, just everyone. i feel like they dont feel the same i do. they dont have this feeling deep inside them, that they HAVE to find out what is expected of their life to achieve greatness. do you ladies feel it? is it normal? maybe im greedy. maybe im conceited, thinking im better than so many other people. i guess i am. but i dont care. i know im destined to do something. to be someone. and i feel like i should get what i want. i know THATS conceited. but i feel like its true.

i stole my current boyfriend from his girl friend, because i wanted him, and i get what i want.
but i think its a false feeling. because i feel like (referring to my last couple of posts about gerard and frank) if i want to have sex with frank iero or gerard way that it will happen. i feel like im different in the way that i should always be right, always get what i want.

i only get that greedy "i should get what i want" feeling sometimes. but its been really strong lately.

im so selfish.

i yelled at my sister for not buying me what i wanted for my birthday. she just turned 13, i was too hard on her. and i feel terrible.

i turn 16 tomorrow. i dont know what im expecting. i guess im expecting a thousand "happy birthday's" and cards and gifts. why? i dont know. i feel like im supposed to be popular. have all the guys. god. i sound so fucking dumb.
but what ever. i felt i needed to share this with you.

thank you for all your kind words on my last post. about my pictures and things. :)
i really appreciate it.

im feel bad.
i really really want to cut. and i dont know what to do. because i PROMISED my boyfriend i wouldnt do it again. and i've broken that promise about three times in two and a half years. and he always finds out. and hes always sad, then i repromise, just to break it again.

i always break my promises.

im such a terrible person.
im so sorry.

i love you all so much. and i appreciate all of your lives, and i sympathies with all of your struggles. thanks for sticking with me.
and im sorry this post was such bull shit.

i love you.
have a nice night.
get some sleep for me. thanks.

11/29/10

wednesday is my birthday.
its that time already.
the other day i was 123, then the next i was 126, then the next i was 124. so im not sure what i really weigh. i really need to not weigh everyday. because it fluxuates so much. its only 4:40, and im feeling bingy. and icky. todays not going so well. i had 85 for lunch. then got home and had some chips and soup. so i'd be around 200, then i had about 4 salt water taffies, and a giant pretzel. soo... 450?

i havent exercised yet. i know i have to. i just do not want to.
fuckk.

i'd like to take a bath too.
its stupid, but i like to shower or bathe BEFORE i exercise. i know your thinking "would you want to get clean after you're sweaty?"
but for some reason, no. i like to be damp when i exercise. skin and hair. yeah. idk.
hah.

i have a new little profile picture over there. ---->

i dyed my bangs blue. :)
i like it.
anywho,
i dont think i'll make 120 by wednesday. im close though. so that counts for something.

also, i dont know if you know, i dont know why you would, butttt, i wait until my last post has three comments to post the next. haha.


edittt:

a little while ago i took some pictures of me now. so heres some progress.

after thanksgiving

this morning i was 126, and almost cried. took off all my clothes. still 126. stupid fucking thanksgiving. and stupid slowest metabolism in the world.
today wasnt much better. 900.
i havent exercised yet. i cant seem to get off my lazy ass. fuck fuck fuck.
today was nice other wise. i dont have many friends, but i got invited to go play lazer tag, and then go to dinner. ate about 475 at dinner. not too horrible.
then i got invited to another friends house to play my favorite game in the world, Legends of Zelda Twilight Princess for Wii. it was so nice.
but i feel so goddamn fat. why cant i be thin? why cant this be easy?
im not going to be 120 in four days.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i was just 123. just! come onnn! i was so close.
this isnt possible now. its not.
im going to take some lax tonight. i know it'll sort of be like fake weight loss. but still.
it'll make me feel better. less bingy and angry.

i want to have sex with Gerard Way and Frank Iero. im so serious. not some fan girl crush. i need to have sex with them before i die. its a goal. i need to, or i wont die happy.
could that happen? do you think? they are both famous, and from MCR, they both have a wife and kids. buttttt, when i turn 18, if im hot, and if i seduce them, do you think they would? it could be our dirty little secret. i mean i'd tell like everyone. lol. but still. i feel like its possible.
is this a false hope? because i dont think it is. so i need someone to tell me the truth. do you think Frank and Gerard of My Chemical Romance on separate, or not, occasions, would have sex with a skinny beautiful 18 year old? Frank is 29, and Gerard is 33. Frank is 13 years older than me, and Gerard is 17 years older than me. so in two years, possibly, or later maybe, when Frank is 31 and Gerard is 35, do you think i could fuck them?
i hope so.
i can wait. i will wait. i'll do them in their 40's. im serious. i just need to do them. preferably in their prime, but i can take doing a 45 year old when im 28. and i can also do a 41 year old. i will. i can.

sorry. that was very long. and unneeded. but im serious! so serious! i'll love them even when they're old! lol

have a nice night.

the boys now. this is what im talking about. hell yesss.


2010 frank. :) hes getting old. lol

2010 gerard. he dyed his hair red. hes hot.




old frankie. hes a baby. :)

old frank and gerard. frank has a mustach. lol


see what i mean. especially the first picture. i will do them. dont worry.

damn.

i ate today. a lot. i havent totaled it yet though. im afraid to. i did so well the past two days. but i guess the good thing is, i dont think i've ever felt this way before. like, so guilty of eating, and i just want to feel hungry again. i think i might exercise again in a bit. which is a big deal, because i fucking hate exercising. i was 124.5 this morning. is it normal to have your weight fluctuate that much? or not? because yesterday i was 123. i dont know. i could have cried.
so today i had cereal, and potato salad, and noodle salad, 6 vegetarian chicken nuggets, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. lets over estimate here.
cereal (120)
potato salad (400)- it had mayonnaise in it.
noodle salad (250)
nuggets (285)
stuffing (140)
pumpkin pie (300)
that means i fucking ate 1495 calories today!
fuckkkkk. fuck fuck fuck!
i bet i'll be like 126 tomorrow. fuck fuck fuck!!
this morning i burnt 200 calories. so that means net total of 1295. fuckkfuckfuck.
if i exercise again, it'll probably burn 200 tops. which means i'll still be in the thousands. i dont know what to do.
i hope you girls did better than me.

well, i took a picture of me laying down today. and laying down is a flattering position. so idk. but here it is.

i have a huge rib cage. god.
fuck. fuck.

123

i will now happily inform you ladies, that i am 123 pounds this morning. :D
yesterday, i ate 355 calories, but i exercised for 300. so i was at 55.
and today, so far, i had a popsicle (15), and a salad with dressing (70). and i just exercised (-250), which means im at -115. :D
but, tomorrow is thanks giving. and i have just found out that i have to go to two. my grandmas, and my dads. so im worried. really worried. because i feel like, at this point, my 123 is fragile. it can disappear with one cookie, or something. so i really feel like tomorrow is going to throw me right back to 125-128. im so worried. i mean i am a vegetarian. but still, my dad told me hes making me potato salad and noodle salad, because they're my favorite. i dont know. i will try my very best. because i feel great. this is great. also my measurements are down. my hips are now 33 inches. :) my thighs havent really budged. they're 20ish inches. my waist is a bit less than 26 inches! and my wrists are less than 6 inches around.
this is cool. :D

i got some new makeup. i wish i had somewhere to go. i might just put it on for fun later.
im also gonna take a shower. that'll be nice. maybe shave my legs and pits. lol. :)

i've been exercising to mcr's new album. haha. yesterday i exercised for an hour, the whole album. and today i did for half an hour, half the album. lol. motivation. :P
and efflorescentwings i probably will cry. haha.

anywho. thats all for now.
see yah later. :)

i thought maybe you'd want to see me so far.
so here are a couple of pictures of me now.


yes im leaning slightly up in this one. i just wanted to show you guys my ribs :)

da da da daaa

i was 125 today. still. i havent got far. i like, forgot how bad i wanted to be 120 by December first. so now im running out of time, and im 5 pounds away from my goal.
i did wonderful today. *knock on wood*
i slept in as long as i possibly could so that i'd be more successful in not having time to eat. i got up around 1pm. late i know. lol.
then around 2 ish i had two slices of pickles. probably not quite 5 calories. also i had a cup of tea, but i let is seep too long, and it was so bitter. ick. i drank it anyways.
then at 4:30 i exercised until like 5:30.
and a little bit ago i ate a big salad with dressing and carrots, and tomatoes.
and then later i might have a mini bag of popcorn (100 calories), if all that goes as planned i'll be at like 200 calories. i burned around 300ish calories i'd say.

so -100.
not bad. i really just want to be 120 by my birthday. can i do it?

My Chemical Romance

MCR is my very favorite band in the whole world. i've seen a billion bands, but never mcr. which is sad. but they are coming to my town in April, and the tickets went on sale last Saturday, but i got presale tickets last Wednesday. :) so im going to see my chemical romance with my best friend! AHHHHHHHH. and their new album came out today. which i also preordered, so it came in the mail, to make sure i got it. :)
its so FUCKING FANTASTIC! ahhh! im such a cheezy fan girl.
lol.
i bought some merch too. and i convinced my grandma (who i live with) to buy me a fuck ton of stuff for my birthday next Wednesday.
also!
i forgot to tell the lovely ladies who attended that tea party a while ago that i finally got that cup! i bought loose tea, and a lovely ceramic cup.

i didnt take this picture of course. lol. but this is the cup i got. :)

this morning i was 125 pounds. so close to 124! so close! ahha. so i suppose im on the right track. :)
i'll talk to you guys tomorrow. :)
night.

"I don't take the first little bite; I don't begin. I have no problem "

ladies!

i appreciate everyone of you're comments on my last post.
i ended up not going to the doctor for my owwie, because A) my doctor isnt there on weekends, and B) the infection is going away. it hardly hurts.
so i've been eating like shit. i havent lost any, but i havent gained. i checked at the end of the day today and it was close to 127. but that was at the end of today. so im not sure. tomorrow i was supposed to be 124. im not sure how that'll work. but i have faithfully been exercising everyday. :)
my boy is leaving tomorrow for a mini vacation to Oklahoma. we live in Wisconsin. im going to miss him so much! but i guess this is good alone time for me. i told him i'll look nicer when he comes back. that i'll be more fit. :)
hes coming back three days before my birthday.
so i've still got time to fit into those jeans. but on the bright side (even though there wasnt a dark side in the first place), i bought a super cute pair of pants the other day! they were forty dollars on fricking sale for 8 dollars! i love them. :D
they are a size four. so thats exciting. because usually i wear a 5 or whatever. haha

sorry ive been not posting recently. im lazy. and busy. haha .
mostly lazy.


im soooo tired guys. i promise i'll post tomorrow. kay?
kay.
:)
i'll see yah.

vegetarian

so im not sure if you guys know, but i've been a vegetarian for 6 years.
today, about half an hour ago, i got a sandwich from a sandwich shop, and i ate half of it. after i ate it i realized it had turkey on it... so i immediately went and pretty much puked my guts out...
..
im still a vegetarian right? .... im so upset. i cant start my count over...
its okay right?
god.


well, i've been doing pretty shitty. last week i made my two pound goal, but mid week this week i weighed in a pound up. so shit. by sunday im supposed to be 124. i dont see that happening. especially since tomorrow is an early thanks giving with my dad since i wont be able to go to his house on actual thanks giving.

i need to take a shower, and i need to exercise. but i dont want to exercise. but i have to. i havent been burning many calories, and i've been eating too much.
bleah..

i got a hat. this lady hand made it for me. and hand made the unicorn horn. so this is me in the hat.


and this is me today in target shopping for pants and undies. :P


so my thighs touch less. but they still touch at the top.

sorry my updates are irregular. whateves. lol


wanna hear something that you probably dont want to know?
i'll tell you anyways.
im not sure why, but i have a scratch, down there.
maybe from shaving, maybe my boys fingernails are too long, idk.
but i have a scratch. and now its infected. and it hurts so bad. i cant pee, it hurts to walk, it hurts to exercise. gahhh. so i have an appointment tomorrow.
it hurts so fucking bad. ouch.
hah
sorry, if that was tmi.

i realized today that

i've been half assing my workouts. yeah. cause today i didnt, and im so sore. gr.
i havent counted my calories in forever. but i have been this and last week. and im not doing so well. on a normal day when i think im doing "good" or "alright" or "not bad", im in the thousands. thats so bad. like, everday. so yesterday was like 1,200, and today was 1,500! this is not acceptable!
im really tired today. but i have to read a few chapters of A Tale of Two Cities for english. and its the most boring book ever. i havent weighed in a few days, but on saturday i met my two pound goal. i was 126, even after the thousands a day. but i did exercise a lot. i barley exercised yesterday. i dont think i'll meet my two pound goal by this sunday. i dont feel like i've got it this week. but i do right? i can do it right?
my birthday is creeping up fast. and im afraid i wont be even close to 120. i would be so god damn happy if i got down to 123 or 124. so as long as i lose, it doesnt matter. i think this mind set of, eat around 1000 or less, and exercise. and lose two pounds a week, is working. its sort of, healthy. but im not trying to be healthy, im just too fat to eat less. idk.
i think i'll fast tomorrow. its just hard with school because EVERYDAY i dont have something to eat everyones like, "annie, wheres youre food?" i mean i guess its good that they care. but come on.
so i have a foods class at like 10am, then lunch at 12:15 but they dont know when i have foods class, so i could just not bring a lunch, or better yet, bring a lunch and give it away, saying im not hungry. haha. so if for some reason i have to eat, it'll be less than 300 calories tomorrow. i'll try my best! hah.

so i was on facebook, and this girl had this picture. and ick. just look at if for your self.


look how fat that first girl is. what the fuck? shes not more than 16 years old too. icky. then that dark blue dress in the middle, shes skinny.

wanna see a picture of me and my boy from a while ago? dont tell him! thanks. :)

this is when i shaved half my head and dyed it purple. it was so goddamn cool. now its much longer, and i dyed it back black. i love this man ladies. and i am going to marry him. he told me so. :)

okay, i'll talk to you later. :)
night.

i feel i should tell you, your sexy!

yep, you are. think how far you've come. your hot now! i mean you may want to be hotter, and you will be! but your sexy! and your getting thin! im so proud of you all! if i would have thought i would be 128(ish) pounds, i would have said, HOW!? HOW DID I DO IT!? AM I HAPPY YET?, and i am happier, but im not where i want to be. i havent weighed my self since monday, and monday i was 128. today i had three ritz crackers, a salad for lunch, then when i came home i had some fresh baked bread ( i shouldnt have. i ate too much of it, but it was so flaky, and i was weak), i had some soup, and eventually i had like 3/4 of a burrito. so... total? lets round it to 850 calories? yeah. i'd say around there. and i plan on burning 200-300 calories a little bit later tonight. yesterday went bad. my grandma (who i live with), bought me two tacos from taco bell. so i ate them. and they were so good. :/ its okay, its okay. gahhh. i wanted to lose two pounds this week. and i dont think i even did that. but i did lose like half and inch on my waist and hips. but the problem of getting into those jeans are my thighs! what should i do! gahhh.

anywho, i have 52 followers! fuck yes! you guys are fantastic. you really are. :)

guess what im going to do later?

http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html

im going to a sort of tea party! haha. i hope K isnt mad at me for telling about the tea party. :P (sorry i didnt link your name to your blog. i dunno how! :/ )


so my kittens are a week and three days old. :)

Alona, the mom kitty, her mom was hairless, but she turned out with hair. so thats why she has a baby without hair. the sandy one, the one im keeping, the one farthest on the left, is the fattest one! lol. but all their eyes are open, and they are cuteee! i was going to take an up close picture of the one im keeping, but shes eating right now. so i'll do that later. :)

sorry this post was so long. thanks for reading if you did!

11/11/10

bleah. im still fat. i still weigh a lot. i fasted for a day. and then didnt eat to bad the next day. then like 800 calories, then today i ate like 1,300. not a binge. just breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner. so i guess what did i expect? i really thought i would have lost maybe 1 pound. but no. no budge at all. maybe tomorrow will be a nicer weigh in. cause i did weigh like 15 minutes ago. after dinner. so, theres hope i suppose. gah.

i HAVE been exercising though! so im back into the swing of that. *knock on wood*
and i guess my stomach has been looking more toned. but no weight loss or significant change.

i always end up doing that. exercising and i start to like/see results. then i stop. then once i get mushy and icky, i start exercising again. until im fit, then i stop. fuck me. why do i do that? whateves. i'll stick to it this time. i really doubt myself on that 8 pounds in 23 days. i've been trying for months to lose even 4 pounds. now double that, and thats why im trying for. i dont think i can do. but if i TRY then at least i'll be closer than i am now.
so if/when i dont lose 8 pounds by december, please dont be disappointed in me, or think im fat and lazy. cause i really am trying.

today went fine. except for all the food. but i was happy today. :) i've been staying happy. which used to be a problem.

my cat, keeps moving her babies on me! its so scary to look in their basket and see that they're gone! but luckly she moves them in like the same spot. so i can always find them. but seriously. she needs to knock that off.
their eyes are open now. :) since they're born with them closed. they are so cute! :P

thanks for all your comments. :) i love you guys.

11/8/10

so my birthday is December 1st. sweet sixteen. and i have a pair of jeans that i used to wear, that were like my favorite, but im too fat for them now. so my goal is to fit into them. i'd love to fit nicely. like not be sung at all. but as long as i can get my fat ass into them. that'd be cool.

so i havent eaten today. this morning i had some juice. and then just a bit ago i had a bowl of broth. so i guess, that counts as eating... sorta. but the broth was only 10 calories. and it was nice and warm. :)
i honestly havent fasted in AGES like, seriously. its been forever. so today. im not gonna eat actual food. so i guess a liquid fast. tomorrow i'd like to fast too. but i'll HAVE to eat lunch. so maybe a jar of baby food? not liquid, but not quite solid. so yeah.

i seriously like gave up for a while. like when i hadnt posted in ages, or exercised in ages. but that changes today. November 8th 2010. i will be thin. i've finally decided, its easy. just, dont eat. i deserve to be thin. right? i would be so much happier if i was thin.
so i will be thin. so that gives me, what, like 23 days? so yeah.
the other day i was 129.5, then the day after that like 128.5. so idk where i am now. i'd say 128. so, i bet i can fit in those pants at 120 pounds. do you think? i mean. they SORT OF fit now. i can put my legs in. i just cant get them all the way over my big butt. so yeah. if i lose eight pounds in 23 days. i should fit into them. will that work? is eight pounds too big of a goal? well, i need to lose at least eight by December 1st. so i guess i should make like, mini goals. so i guess i should lose like 2-3 pounds a week to meet that goal. it probably will be hard. since i've been 125-129 for months. i think i just need to try. i think i've just been maintaining. i've had the mind set "if i fuck up once today, its okay. i can eat what i want. and while im at it, i wont exercise. cause i will tomorrow, i promise" and then i dont. my mind makes excuses for what my mouth wants to eat.
gah. so i think i can do it. i just need to get motivated, and stick to it. i think i will this time. i can do it. i will be thin.

on a sort of different note, my boyfriend asked me when im going to let him see my blog. he knows i have one. but doesnt know AT ALL what i talk about here. it makes me sad. cause he thinks i'll let him. he thinks im normal, and that i just come on here to talk about normal teenage girl things. but i dont. im not here to talk about my life. im here to talk about how fat i think i am. thats so pathetic. im sorry i cant show him. he'd be disappointed in me. im sorry.

so, is broth okay? is babyfood okay?
hope so.

im gonna let my tummy rest (its full of lots of water and some broth), and then i'll go bounce around with weights. lol.

i'll see yah.

bleh.

wow. sorry. i've been gone a while.
some new stuff,

i hung out with my ex boyfriend, we got drunk, it was a fun reunion.
i saw my mom in jail, and talked to her through a phone, and plexi-glass.
i came home to kittens. my cat Alona finally had her babies. five of them.
i havent been exercising, or eating "right". im around 125 pounds.
i dont think i'll ever be thin.
im so tired lately.
i've been taking these super important tests, WKCE tests. its three days long, four hours each test.
i went grocery shopping. didnt buy many bad things.
i had some carrots and potatos a bit ago.
i also had some halloween candy from trick or treating.
i went to a halloween party. it was fun. i've never had friends, so i've never been to a party.
i was rainbow brite for halloween.
im pretty happy.
i've been gone for a while.
i've been busy, and lazy.

im sorry.
i love you guys though.


my cat.
the kitten im keeping.
one black, two white, one hairless, and one sandy colored one (the one im keeping).




my costume.