im dumb

i decided i didnt care.
i dont know why.
i finally saw 127 and i just pigged out.
not binge. just, ate like a normal person.
a cookie with lunch. yes LUCH i ate it!
i did bad today.
you should all be dissapointed in me. :(
i'll weigh myself in the morning and let you know how much i fucked myself over.

long time no see

so its been a while. and im doing terrible.
it was just day after day of binge binge binge binge!
i actually hit 131.5.
wtf?
how did i let it get that bad?
god.
today i was 128.
but i feel big. like last time i was 128 it was okay. i felt confident i could get thinner, i just feel huge. my stomach looks big, my thighs touch. i am fat.
im so discouraged.
well, im going to try to do better. about 10 days left of school. then its summer. and i need to be 123-125. so, i'll do better i promise!
i promise all of you, and my self.


gahh. tomorrow is a new day though.
today was like 1000 caloires. :(

i feel so bloated

gahh. i am not going to check the scale.
this morning i was like 125 point something.
i think its a lie. i think its going to go back up. :(
i went to the doctor (gyno appointment) with clothes on im 128, with out im 125.6.
so i took a picture for you guys to see my body in case you were wondering what i looked like.
ah 10 followers, im so excited!!
:)

i've been purging a lot. not even binging. just eating then throwing up. so idk what im at calorie wise. but i'd guess 900 tops. and i think(or hope) that that is way over estimating it.

i feel so fattttttttttttttttt.
maybe because i ate dinner. i had bread and potatoes.
soo, idk.
im a carb-aholic. really.

so that picture is me as of today.
i got a cute bra. :)

meltdown

so today i ate about 800 calories, give or take.

i went to take a shower and the scale said 125.5, so thats good i guess. but not at all good enough. i stood there, naked looking at the monstrosity that is my body, and just broke down. i seriously had like a hysterical sobbing panic attack. it was bad. i couldnt stop. so i called my boyfriend, lets call him D, and he knows im prone to panic attacks, so he helped calm me down. but before i stopped the hysteria i actually told him "i dont think there is anyone in the world who hates me more than i do". he didnt know what to say. but its true. i hate my self so much.

is there really any difference in my body since i was 140 to now? honestly i feel i look the same. and to top that off self esteem wise i am way more insecure now than i was.

god damn. just fuck my life.

diet coke?

so i drink shit tons of diet soda. is that not good? i mean aside from all the sodium, and maybe water retention, but other wise, how do you feel about it? is it okay?

so this saturdayand sunday i will do a liquid fast. im 126 as of this morning. so maybe 124 by monday? maybe less? idk. ive been doing okay lately. calorie wise. yesterday was about 500. today im at like 800 ish. so i will redeem myself this week end with my amazing will power! hah.

whn you do a liquid fast, what do you think of as acceptable during the liquid fast?

like just water? idk, im a sucker for diet soda.

the way i see it though is a diet coke is much better than a meal.

so this friday is my last day of drivers ed, and the guy is bringing in pizza. so i suppose i could get away with not eating it. but also ive worked so hard in this class and would love one slice of pizza. so i dont know.

i suppose my last solid food for the week could be one slice of pizza ... ahhh idk.

if i dont eat all day friday then have one slice of pizza i should be at like 300 ish calories?

i have no self control. :(

okay. thats all. i would love if im still 126 (or maybe less) tomorrow morning.

see you guys tomorrow! all 9 followers!

quick update

ah the wonders of my phone internet. im at school right now. lunch time. yay.

pretty much everyday ive been skipping lunch. so to make sure my love isnt supicious today i had a small salad and a jello. so 70 calories tops. thats all for now. later i'll update

fuck

so this is bullshit. my internet is down. but i just realized the internet on my phone works. so hopefully i can update you guys more often.

so ive been doing blah, okay i guess. i have managed to stay at about 127. but it hasnt gone down. fuck you food. and it also doesnt help that i have some new found wierd obession with cereal. and the grossest thing ever is purging cereal! its all like musy and brown. and cold. ewww. my boyfried said hes proud of my weight loss. :) how exciting for me! lol.

so i meausre myself today. my hips are 33 inches. my waist is 26 inches. my thighs at their biggest part are 21 inches, my chest (around my boobs) is 34.5 inches, my arms are still 10.

but i have lost a grand total of 10.5 inches! which is awesome, but upsets me because i realize how huge i was before i even noticedthat i had hit 142. ew.

okay. well i am pooped! time for bed. now that i know i can post from my phone i surely will!

oh and im mega excited; 8 followers!

:)

sleep well, think thin.

bedtime

im going to bed.
thats about it. i just did yoga.
and im tired.
i ate 4 bowls of cereal today.
:/

gahhh.

goddamnit

can anyone else not see their followers? or is my computer just being dumb? because for like the last 3 or 4 days it just hasnt been showing up. like there's a little white box that says like error 500 or something like that. and i was so excited to see all FOUR of my lovely followers! :D
haha.
so i did good today, up until family dinner time. i had about 100 calories until 5:30pm. then at dinner, there were mozzarella sticks. fuck you mozzarella sticks! i had like four of them. :( fried cheese and bread. wonderful.
i did work out, but not enough to pay for my mistake.
anyhow this morning i was 127. probably not anymore.
why cant my weight just stay consistent for like, a week instead of a day?
stupid body.
oh speaking of, i was just wondering, what do you think your body thinks of you?
like as if it were different from you.
i think my body hates me so much.
i hurt it, i dont feed it all day, then i go and eat greasy nasty battered shit.
it hates me so much.

ah, mondays

so i did well today.
i exercised. although not much.
and i ate about 300 calories. so the week is off to a new start.
i feel fucking huge. maybe i am. or maybe ana is just fucking with me.
anyhow i just took a shower, and im feeling pretty good.
tomorrow should be okay. i hope.

mothers day

so today was mothers day, and i was weak.
there were baked potatoes, dinner rolls, corn on the cob...
it was terrible.
i ate, and ate and ate, then ate some more.
i was disgusted with myself, but i ate anyway.
i decided to throw up,
but then i decided to eat more.
i swear, i hit at least
2,000 calories.
:(
damn.

i look like a damn fool right now.
i was talking to my friend, and how she wraps here stomach in plastic wrap before she goes to bed. why? cause it makes her lose water weight, or something.
so i decided i'll do that.
so here im sitting, sweating up a storm, wrapped in plastic wrap.

today i actually saw the number on the scale hit 130 pounds.
oh my god.
what have i done.
dis-fucking-gusting.
tomorrow, i promise i will be good.
im starting this plan i made.
i got a nice note book, and colored pens, because getting things organized makes me feel more in control, and makes me stick to something because it looks fun.
but anyway, i got a note book, and i filled out a few pages, the first page says
"a new life. a BEAUTIFUL BODY"
dumb? what ever.
then the next page is titled "weigh-in's"
and its all nice and organized for when i reach my goals, and what i'll get when i reach them. (a new pair of jeans or something)
and it just goes from there.

so i want to be 125 by this sunday.
reasonable? sureeee.
i can do this.
i hope.

thats about it.

getting there

my boyfriend slept over last night. and yesterday was a fast.
all went well. i didnt sneak anything in. although i didnt exercise.
but today im 126.5.
so thats good.
by next friday i'd love to be at a solid 125. my weight fluctuates so bad. does that happen to anyone else?
so its been falling between 127 and 125.5.
i wasnt too hungry but i had two gram crackers to keep from binging later.
its just about 4 oclock here and i think im done for the day.
:)
maybe some high intensity yoga later.
the only reason i havent started yet is because i dont like change. so once i start it, i can stick to it, because i wont want to change it again.
idk if that makes sense.
anyhow thats about it.
:)

Blah

I did good in the morning, but later on i craved salty foods so bad.
i had so many ritz crackers.
im utterly disappointed in my self control. i probably topped off at 1,500 calories, gah, just the thought of writing it down. but its best not to lie to myself.
im afraid of the scale. i think im losing control.
i feel bigger. much much bigger than usual.
this morning i was 128.5
tomorrow wont be better.
im fasting tomorrow. i told my boyfriend its a kind of clense, he supports it. so that should make not eating easier.
im weak. weak mind, not body. :(
all progress is progress even if its slow, but i think im ruining all progress i've ever made.
i know i shouldnt put it off, but i will, im going to start fresh on monday.
and i know thats bullshit, why not tomorrow?
im lazy. im not going to pig out or anything, but im just not going to exercise.
blah.
thats all.

Jillian Michaels

So today in the mail i got jillian michaels yoga meltdown. i love her, and her 30 day shred worked wonders! so im excited to try this one out. its like high intensity yoga. for me 128 pounds, i should burn close to 230 calories with this. :)
its late now, and im tired, so i post tomorrow (even though no one reads this :( )
goodnight.

Oh Crap

I haven't been eating too bad, 800 calories tops. But still, its so disappointing when your trying to eat a specific way. I tried the ABC diet, and its crap. I can't stick to it. I just get intimidated to binge when I know that the calorie limits are so set in stone. But what is Ana if not a schedule of eating?
i dont know.
im 127.5 today. the number just hasnt been going down. im stuck here. can anyone help me with getting out of this rut?
i havent felt that "empty" light feeling in a while. its upsetting, i feel so huge.
eahhhh.
i dont know what to do. my ana texting buddy got her phone taken away and i havent had her support.
today was okay i suppose.
heellppp me get back on trackkk

Drives Ed

So today I start Drivers Ed, I ate far too much today and its only 4 o'clock. I'm so upset after seeing the scale yesterday! Yesterday I actually hit 127. Now I'm back up to 129-130. Disgusting. And I just ate a bowl of cereal. Wow the self control I don't have. But the good thing is today I start Drivers Ed, which means I'll go to school eat a small lunch, and then right after school Drivers Ed until 6:30. So there wont be much time to eat.

I bought a high intensity yoga dvd, it should be coming in the mail. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I feel like I'm losing sight of Ana, please don't let me lose her! Damnit! I promised my boyfriend I could lose some weight, hes excited (he likes petite girls). Well, lets see how tomorrow goes.

Think Thin.

Dyed my hair

So today was good. I decided to dye my hair as insentive to be pretty and lose some weight.
My start weight (about a month ago) was 142. Now I'm down to 129.
I hope to be 125 by Thursday.
I ate way way to much today. Stupid ABC diet.
It was a weekend, so, hopefully I can redeme my self durning the week.
That's about all that went on today.

ABC diet

Hey, so I'm new to this blogging, but this should be fun none-the-less.
I'm "pro-ana" I suppose, although I'm not just some poser talking about how I want to be thin (although I am working on that).
So about 5 days ago I started the ABC diet, has anyone had any success with this?
I'm doing very well so far, although the scale doesn't think so.
I think the ABC diet is only intimidating because some people don't like to have a specific limit on what they're allowed to eat, it makes them binge easier.
Anyhow, I haven't been exercising nearly enough (only burning like 200 calories a day). So I was wondering, what do you guys do for exercise?
And what is your meal plan for a typical day?