im dumb

i decided i didnt care.
i dont know why.
i finally saw 127 and i just pigged out.
not binge. just, ate like a normal person.
a cookie with lunch. yes LUCH i ate it!
i did bad today.
you should all be dissapointed in me. :(
i'll weigh myself in the morning and let you know how much i fucked myself over.

long time no see

so its been a while. and im doing terrible.
it was just day after day of binge binge binge binge!
i actually hit 131.5.
wtf?
how did i let it get that bad?
god.
today i was 128.
but i feel big. like last time i was 128 it was okay. i felt confident i could get thinner, i just feel huge. my stomach looks big, my thighs touch. i am fat.
im so discouraged.
well, im going to try to do better. about 10 days left of school. then its summer. and i need to be 123-125. so, i'll do better i promise!
i promise all of you, and my self.


gahh. tomorrow is a new day though.
today was like 1000 caloires. :(

i feel so bloated

gahh. i am not going to check the scale.
this morning i was like 125 point something.
i think its a lie. i think its going to go back up. :(
i went to the doctor (gyno appointment) with clothes on im 128, with out im 125.6.
so i took a picture for you guys to see my body in case you were wondering what i looked like.
ah 10 followers, im so excited!!
:)

i've been purging a lot. not even binging. just eating then throwing up. so idk what im at calorie wise. but i'd guess 900 tops. and i think(or hope) that that is way over estimating it.

i feel so fattttttttttttttttt.
maybe because i ate dinner. i had bread and potatoes.
soo, idk.
im a carb-aholic. really.

so that picture is me as of today.
i got a cute bra. :)

meltdown

so today i ate about 800 calories, give or take.

i went to take a shower and the scale said 125.5, so thats good i guess. but not at all good enough. i stood there, naked looking at the monstrosity that is my body, and just broke down. i seriously had like a hysterical sobbing panic attack. it was bad. i couldnt stop. so i called my boyfriend, lets call him D, and he knows im prone to panic attacks, so he helped calm me down. but before i stopped the hysteria i actually told him "i dont think there is anyone in the world who hates me more than i do". he didnt know what to say. but its true. i hate my self so much.

is there really any difference in my body since i was 140 to now? honestly i feel i look the same. and to top that off self esteem wise i am way more insecure now than i was.

god damn. just fuck my life.

diet coke?

so i drink shit tons of diet soda. is that not good? i mean aside from all the sodium, and maybe water retention, but other wise, how do you feel about it? is it okay?

so this saturdayand sunday i will do a liquid fast. im 126 as of this morning. so maybe 124 by monday? maybe less? idk. ive been doing okay lately. calorie wise. yesterday was about 500. today im at like 800 ish. so i will redeem myself this week end with my amazing will power! hah.

whn you do a liquid fast, what do you think of as acceptable during the liquid fast?

like just water? idk, im a sucker for diet soda.

the way i see it though is a diet coke is much better than a meal.

so this friday is my last day of drivers ed, and the guy is bringing in pizza. so i suppose i could get away with not eating it. but also ive worked so hard in this class and would love one slice of pizza. so i dont know.

i suppose my last solid food for the week could be one slice of pizza ... ahhh idk.

if i dont eat all day friday then have one slice of pizza i should be at like 300 ish calories?

i have no self control. :(

okay. thats all. i would love if im still 126 (or maybe less) tomorrow morning.

see you guys tomorrow! all 9 followers!

quick update

ah the wonders of my phone internet. im at school right now. lunch time. yay.

pretty much everyday ive been skipping lunch. so to make sure my love isnt supicious today i had a small salad and a jello. so 70 calories tops. thats all for now. later i'll update

fuck

so this is bullshit. my internet is down. but i just realized the internet on my phone works. so hopefully i can update you guys more often.

so ive been doing blah, okay i guess. i have managed to stay at about 127. but it hasnt gone down. fuck you food. and it also doesnt help that i have some new found wierd obession with cereal. and the grossest thing ever is purging cereal! its all like musy and brown. and cold. ewww. my boyfried said hes proud of my weight loss. :) how exciting for me! lol.

so i meausre myself today. my hips are 33 inches. my waist is 26 inches. my thighs at their biggest part are 21 inches, my chest (around my boobs) is 34.5 inches, my arms are still 10.

but i have lost a grand total of 10.5 inches! which is awesome, but upsets me because i realize how huge i was before i even noticedthat i had hit 142. ew.

okay. well i am pooped! time for bed. now that i know i can post from my phone i surely will!

oh and im mega excited; 8 followers!

:)

sleep well, think thin.