shame and bitterness

ive lost it. lost my mind 100%. more than that. i let go. no ana no rules. just induldging. i am back to my starting weight ladies. one hundred fourty two pounds and god how big this is. prom is coming up. what a fucking time to get fat. started back up with jillian's exercise tapes. have yet to eat... lets see... under 1,000 calories for the day. youd be horified if you watched me go through a day.

my boyfriend weighed himself today. 149 pounds. i only weigh seven pounds less. at one point i would have been around TWENTY SIX POUNDS LIGHTER than him. i am a fucking monster. im going to do it again. i did it once. i can do it. i had such dedication though. i was a champion. 300 calories a day i was doing back in my 15 year old days. but here i am, nearly 18, unable to control my eating.

i nearly lost it when i took pictures the other day. i honestly was taking new "start" pictures. ughhh. and i dont self harm anymore, so theres nothing to do with my frustrations and i end up eating! never fucking ending cycle.

well started exercising again. gonna eat no more than 500 calories a day. i could kill myself knowing im not even in the 130's. how did i slip up so badly? ugh.