hey ladies

so hey guys.
i took some pictures of my new swimsuit. and i understand how bad they are. really, i get it.
i just need to see them, and be reminded what im working toward. looking good in that swimsuit. so here you go, a few pictures of my new suit. please, i know, i know how i look. i just need you all to realize how ashamed i am of my body.

newly found confidence

so today looking back i didnt do well. but i ate NOTHING all day. i didnt want anything. so up until like 2 hours ago, i ate not a thing all day. but i felt soooo sick, i couldnt walk, i kept almost passing out. im not sure why. like, it hasnt been a fast or anything, and i ate some yesterday. but i puked once, involuntary.
maybe im sick. i did have a sore throat this morning.
any how, i got to like 700 calories tops today.
i could have done it, if my body didnt hate me so goddamn much.
what ever.
stupid body. i'll control you regardless of anything! ahha.

so i got a new swimsuit. its soooo cute. its black and yellow and like silver. its cool, trust me.
so i tried it on in the store, and i honestly was so close to bursting into tears. i thought i was getting better. i really really did. i thought i was getting thinner. i know im not thin now. but i started nearly 20 pounds heavier. (im 125 pounds today) so i thought, hey this is close to the 123 i want to be to try on a suit. so i figured i'd buy the one i wanted before it wasnt in the store anymore.

god. i want to be thin. i am honestly so flabby. i know that we all think we are, even if were only 105 or 110, but you guys are thin. you honestly are thin. weather your bony yet or not, doesnt matter. your getting there, your thin. im not. im 125 pounds. that isnt thin. and im so sad.

i think tomorrow will be good. since i bought the suit. and its laying on my bed room floor taunting me.
i thought i was getting better.
can some one please tell me that i've accomplished something?
have i accomplished anything? am i getting there? should i just quit?
i cant quit. i cant.
gahhhh.

im in not a happy place right now.

i'll talk to you tomorrow. hopefully i wont be more than 125 after that binge.

tricks and liesss

so i did fantastic yesterday! i exercised for 45 minutes then went on an hour bike ride. all went well.
ah, but today. going to my chubby best friends house, what did i expect? well, i'll tell yah what happened. 2 slices of greesy cheeze pizza and one chocolate chip cookie. i cant believe how addicted to food i am. shit.

school starts september 2nd. and i must be at least 119 by then. super accomplishable if i stick to it. if i give up on food and just live to love feeling empty.

i got so diet pills, ive used em before, they really help suppress hunger. i only stopped taking them because i dont like the daily routine of having to take pills.

i suppose till tomorrow, or soonish.
stay lovely.

so guys

so i was going to start the baby food diet a while ago. i didnt though. im not sure why. pure lazyness i suppose. but im so sick of being fat. im 128. what the fuck. i totally got to 123. shitttt. so i can do this. and im serious. so if i mess everything up againnn then i'll have to face you guys and you'll know that im not worth anything.

speaking of, my boyfriend tried to tell me that the reason we're having a snag in our relationship is because of my low self esteem. well that sucks. but i know i'll always have self esteem issues. so i figure my life will be better if i get closer to 117lbs. lets do this!

haha.

see yah guys.

im no good

my life is no good. im no good. my weight is no good. im so disappointed. im 127 today. i cant believe i was 123 and i let it slide back up. almost 5 pounds. gahhhh.

i am hungry. and i missed this feeling. so i think i can do a fast tomorrow. its been a while. im outta practice. lol. but i can do it! and if for what ever reason i feel the urge to eat...

BABY FOOOOD! lol.

so thats just a quick update.
i cant wait to be thin.
ah, how happy i will be then.

ive been hearing a lot about babyfood

this babyfood diet. anyone else heard of it? i think im gonna try it. because actually i loveeeeeee baby food. im planning on eating three "meals" a day. three jars of babyfood a day at about 80 calories each. i'll have no more than 250 calories a day. and i got this wii game thats super fun and awsome exercise. :)

so im kicking my self in the ass for how bad ive been.

today i weighed my self lateish in the day (so i dunno how accurate this is) and it said 129.5

ohhhhh my goddd. i cannot be that close to 130. im so ashamed.

im going to try harder.

today is a new start!

so sorry!

im so sorry guys! i havent had a computer in sooooo long. so im on my sisters for a minute.

i have been trying to stay on track, but my ana texting buddy bailed on me. she said she wants to get better. that she doesnt want to be thin. thats okay. but its hard for me to stay motivated lately. espcially with no computer or thinspo or any blogs!

im 126.5 pounds today.
i cant believe im not 117.
i promised i'd be 117 by july 3rd.
:(
im a failure.

i'll get there though. even it takes longer than planned.

okay before she comes back i'll end this.

hope to get back soon!
thanks! stay thin.