My Chemical Romance

awww yeahhhh. last night was fucking boss. oh yeahhh.
it was wonderful. straight up. :)

i saw my favorite band in the whole world! ahhhh! im still so exciteddd!
i want to see them four times in my life. which will happen.
i got to see frank iero in the flesh. oh god. :DD

i got really bad heat exhaustion though. i threw up twice at the show and didnt go to school today. oh well. it was awesome. i also spent 60 dollars on merch.

:)

i have nothing more to say. im too excited to bitch about my fat body.

fat fuck

i put on a pair of jeans that i usually wear, and i couldnt get them up.
holy fuck.
this is out of control. im like opposite of ana. seriously. i have like a binge/over eating disorder. i cant stop. i dont know what to do. i honestly have to be at like 135. oh fuck. oh fuck. ohhhh mother of fuck.

aside from being the fattest person ever, tomorrow is the My Chemical Romance concert. im flipping out!!! i could cry im so exciteddd! my favorite person in the world is Frank Iero. the guitarist of MCR. and holy shit. im gonna be front row. fronttt rowww. and im going to get to see him in person. i just might cry.

i was suppposed to be 118 for this concert. i was around 124 when i made that goal. wow. i really took that in the opposite direction... hard core. damn.

tell me what to do. i cant fucking be fat anymore. i honestly hate myself so much. i dont remember how to do this. please. tell me what i should do. please.


i need to study. i have three huge tests tomorrow. i want you all to have a good night.

you all deserve to be thin. i love you.

destroy yourself.

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

you all are so supportive of me. thank you. you dont understand how much you all mean to me.

more drama. my sister ran away. we searched forever. she stole my grandmas debit card and charged 180 dollars for a hotel room. we found her. and brought her home.

i realized why i let myself get so bad. because i didnt notice. when i dont weigh myself, i can judge if i've gained by looking down at my stomach. i have a little more fat under my belly button than i should. so its very easy to tell when that gets bigger. and it hasnt. butttt, i have love handles. thats where its all been stored. and love handles are hard to get rid of. fuck me.

i cut up my hips. it hurts to bend, and walk and wear pants. but its a constant reminder. which is what i need.

im taking diet pills. no more than two at a time. im not like od-ing on them. dont worry.

im going to start counting calories again. i havent in a while.
lets see today:

woke up.
two handfuls of cereal. 100ish.
lunch.
one hard boiled egg, only half the yolk. 50.
home from school.
cereal. 100.
animal crackers. 100
three cookies. 150.
two saltine crackers. 40ish.
baby raviolis. 70.
hot cheetos. 75.

i purged today. but didnt get rid of much. so im probably around 750ish i'd say.
not bad i suppose. i plan on working out later. probably burn 200. which brings me around 500. not too bad i guess.

im big though. i took pictures and i honestly cannot bare to show you. my love handles are huge. my stomach isnt bad. its those fucking love handles.
what should i do to get rid of them? just extra core work, or what?

on the upside. i've made a new friend. and he is the most positive boy i have ever met. hes very young though. which is surprising because he has such good advice. if i ever told anyone about my ed or cutting or any secrets, i would tell him. im not sure why. but i trust him completely.

One day I'll stop keeping track and give myself time to react

so its April. which means i can eat junk food again. and i've been doing bad again.

tomorrow i start swimming again in school. i do not want to. i am so fat. seriously. i will honestly embarrass myself. i just got home from school and weighed myself. 130.5
i've been in the 130's for a while now. god, i really took being 122 for granted. seriously. i am so upset.

i have a stye in my eye. it hurts so much.

i think i might take a bath. i need to shave my legs. but i hate being naked.
its almost a phobia. i hateeee being naked.

i havent eaten yet today. thats usually how my days start. then i binge hardcore. yeah. i fucking suck.

my moms back in jail.
my boyfriend dom doesnt want to be with me anymore.
my sister tried to commit suicide.
my body hates me.
my life sucks.

i am sad.

im sorry i havent been updating lately. i just dont know what to do with my time. i waste so much of it. fuck.

i want to sleep.

we started the poetry unit in school. i am really excited actually. i used to write poetry all the time. i think i may start again. that'd be a nice out lit.

thats fine for now.

thanks for sticking with me. i appreciate it more than you know. and your comments mean so much to me. :)