sorry i've been gone.

i dunno, i just havent posted in a while.

i was 123 for a good 4 days. then bingebingebinge, and im 126 now.
so tomorrow is a new start. im going to fast. or at the least liquid fast, because i will be 120 by the end of december. it seems dumb. that i'll take that long to lose a few pounds, but i find my body wont let me lose easily anymore. its very hard now. my body like clings to every ounce. uggh.
so i will be 120 by the end of december.

its gotten so goddamn cold here. tons of snow, and wind that burns your skin. ouch.

my thighs havent touched in a while now. except at the very top. heres a picture of my legs from the other day when i was 123.

well, thats all for tonight i suppose. i hope you're all doing well.
i'll be back tomorrow most likely. :)
night ladies.

i just want to be skinny

my sister went to the doctor today, hes 13 and only like 5 foot 3 or something, she weighs 104 pounds, and she stopped getting her period. why cant i be so thin i dont menstruate! its not fair!

i didnt weigh today like i planned, i woke up so late that i didnt have time to get practically naked and look at some numbers.
i'll do i tomorrow! haha.

i ate around 700-800 calories today. and burned 220. so not too shabby. in the 480-580 range.
idk.

im scared. i feel like i dont have an eating disorder. i think i just am drastically trying to lose weight in unhealthy ways... but then theres a little voice in side of my head that says "maybe thats the eating disorder talking. you do have one. you do."
i dont know.

and im scared that i do have an eating disorder, and that it will control my life, and i'll get thin, and then i'll be FORCED to gain weight once i get in the 110's. some one will notice. i have this stressing feeling that someone is watching me, noticing me. and they know that somethings up.

and scared that i'll be consumed by an eating disorder. and that i'll never be able to be happy. that i wont eat my wedding cake on my wedding day because of the calories in it.
i dont know. im just genuinely scared.



this is a picture after my shower last night. i know im getting thin, but if someone saw this, would they worry? probably not, its nothing drastic. just starting to see some ribs.

well, night i suppose ladies. sleep tight.

bad dream

i had a very bad dream last night.
i mostly just remember the feelings. it was terrible.
from what i can recall, i was being cornered by my family for being "anorexic" they said they knew everything, and that i needed help because i had gotten too thin. i didnt even know they knew, and i was crying and screaming, and telling them i didnt have a problem. and they told me there was no use fighting. there were hands and bodies everywhere, holding me against my will, taking me against my will. all the while i was screaming and crying.

so that was my dream. it was terribly real.
i feel like that could happen when my mom gets out of jail.
i live with my grandma, and she doesnt even suspect a thing. but before my mother went to jail she told me "annie... you're getting too thin". and she asked my grandma "has she been eating?" and of course my grandma said "of course! oh of course, nothings wrong" because i always make a point to eat in front of her. but im scared.

im feeling like something going to happen.

as long as i get to 110 before something happenes. i feel like 124 is too big to have an eating disorder. i dont even think i do. i dont know do i? i've never been diagnosed, who decides if i have an eating disorder?
im not thin enough to have an eating disorder. but once i get thinner, i'll let you guys know. :)

i was starting 246, but i ended up eating two browines that brought my total to like 600 something. so i think i'll just try to keep it under 500 after exercise.

im hoping to be 120-118 by the end of december. after my mini binge of chips today, i weighed RIGHT after, and i was 124.5. so i think im still like 123.

do you guys ever have terrible dreams like that? that someone will find our your secrets?
whens the last time you had a nightmare?

im very tired. time to start homework. then go to bed. i'll see yah. :)

tomorrow is december 6th

some time in February, of this year, is when all this started. that means in like two months, it'll be year. a whole fucking year and i've only lost 20 pounds. fuck. by February, i want to be 118. which means i'll have lost 25 pounds to date. that sounds like a nice number. which means i'll also be at my goal. the goal that i made February 2010. ( i actually wanted to be 117 but still) how much have you ladies lost since you started this journey? more than 20? gahhh. i need to be 117 or 118 by February. that'll be nice.
i told my boyfriend in February, that i'd be 117 by our 2 year anniversary in July. it didnt happen. so by the coming February, i can do it. i will. and i hope he'll be proud.

me and him were talking about my weight, and he asked how much i weigh, and i dont lie to him, so i told him 123. he was excited for me, because he knew how happy i was. then he added, that he doesnt need me any thinner, that hes okay with 123.

i think he feels bad that last summer he called me "overweight". he didnt say "youve gained a couple pounds" or even "you're fat" he fucking said "i think you're getting overweight"

oh my god how much i cried.

thats what started this really. i think he'd be sad to know he started my eating disorder, and that his compliments now fuel the flame.

so im starting 246 tomorrow, i've got an ana buddy. i'd like another though. anyone wanna text? i'd love that.
i hope to be 120 by the end of this week.


but i did terrible this past weekend. one day i ate 2,000 calories. so i'd guess im back up to 126ish. idk. i'll weigh tomorrow.

sooo, text me! :)
leave a comment and i'll give you my number.

have a nice night ladies.

sixteen

so ladies, im 16 now. 15 is so young, but 16 is so old. eahh.
sorry for my last post.
thanks to efflorescentwings and Weightoomuch for commenting. it meant a lot.

i was 123 on my birthday. but yesterday i ate 2000 calories, and the day before i had like 1,500. my eating is out of control. only because i've been spending time with my boyfriend. and one of his favorite things is snacks. so i've been eating like all day. monday will be better in all honesty, because it will be.
i didnt get much for my birtday. i got some clothes that i wanted though. and a couple friends gave me some candy/food. my boyfriend got me a movie. thats it. it makes me sound greedy. but i kinda expected more. we've been going out for 2 years and 5 months, and i buy him fantastic things.
what ever i guess. its not like he has a job. although hes 18 and should have a job or a car. hes a bum really. whatever.

im too scared to weigh myself. so i think i'll wait till monday.

some friends are coming over today. its nice. it makes me feel like i have lots of friends. :)

me and my best friend are going to get matching tattoos. these ones.

its kinda a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but thats okay. :)

im gonna go. :P