burn baby burn

about to go exercise. i told myself i didnt have to do it till eight. and here we are at 7:54 and i gotta go do it soon. it doesnt take long. only like 35 minutes, and once i start it seems like 15 minutes, its just the going and starting it that sucks. i looked back through my blog. its crazy how i can be my own inspiration at this point. i was so thin! ahh! so i know i can do it again. but last time it took a very long time to lose twenty pounds. like a year plus some months. then we gotta keep it off. ugh. it really is a life commitment, being thin that is. eating right. exercising. struggling. binging. purging. never ending really.

im about 139 today. i was 142 on monday. still not getting my hopes up. i tried on the prom dress i bought. im not sure i like it. im still too big to wear it. my loves handles show a lot. its pretty flattering on my stomach, but those damn love handles. i have the worst muffin top. im about to get control top panty hose for prom. so that its all smooth. i dont want to look back on the pictures and hate myself, you know? even if its a false smooth, i dont want to hate myself that day. hopefully i'll be at least 130 by then. that means my thighs maybe wont touch, and my love handles wont be quite so big.

ate two strawberries this morning. nothing for lunch. around 6:00 i had some broth with carrots and some noodles. ate a tootsie roll and two mini cookies from a 100 calorie pack. but then i purged that. soo... im at what? around two hundred calories? give or take. the soup was probably 200 in itself, then maybe 50 for the tootsie roll and two mini cookies. then i purged. so we'll call it 200.

well its eight oclock. i'll have to talk to you girls tomorrow!

i can do it this time! :)

shame and bitterness

ive lost it. lost my mind 100%. more than that. i let go. no ana no rules. just induldging. i am back to my starting weight ladies. one hundred fourty two pounds and god how big this is. prom is coming up. what a fucking time to get fat. started back up with jillian's exercise tapes. have yet to eat... lets see... under 1,000 calories for the day. youd be horified if you watched me go through a day.

my boyfriend weighed himself today. 149 pounds. i only weigh seven pounds less. at one point i would have been around TWENTY SIX POUNDS LIGHTER than him. i am a fucking monster. im going to do it again. i did it once. i can do it. i had such dedication though. i was a champion. 300 calories a day i was doing back in my 15 year old days. but here i am, nearly 18, unable to control my eating.

i nearly lost it when i took pictures the other day. i honestly was taking new "start" pictures. ughhh. and i dont self harm anymore, so theres nothing to do with my frustrations and i end up eating! never fucking ending cycle.

well started exercising again. gonna eat no more than 500 calories a day. i could kill myself knowing im not even in the 130's. how did i slip up so badly? ugh.