tomorrow is my first day of school. its only a half day, i dunno why. stuffs good. sorry i havent updated in a long time. i've been lazy i guess. playing a lot of wii, and organizing my school supplies.
i've been spending a lot of time with my boy. its been lovely.
128 pounds. not much new. went grocery shopping, bought tons of veggies and jello. and there was a sale on soda. so i got four cases of diet soda for only nine dollars. :O
haha.
how are you guys?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
hey ladies and possibly gentlemen
things have started to even out. just, in general. your comments really helped me. honestly. so thank you so much. my weight isnt too down. 128 as of yesterday. so that 135 was more because my body was gorged with food. like seriously. if i had had seams, they would have been bursting. i did decent the past few days. but today not so well. my boys mom has been in englad and she just got back. shes such a sweetie. she brought me back socks and earrings, and candy. and she had shortbread cookies from england. she has commented in the past about how she thinks i dont eat enough (when i lost like 15 pounds, not now that im a fat pig). and i didnt want to be rude since she bought them. so i ate them. so im just, not going to total my days calories. because i did fine up until the 280 calorie candybar and 100 calorie cookie, and so on. soo.. yeah.
i feel like im barely hanging in there. like im relying so much on school starting to lose weight. and i know it will help. but i hope it actually does help. like, what if its still this hard. it didnt used to be hard. and that WAS during school. but then summer came and the weight loss stopped. and its gotten hard. i think its easier for me to lose weight during the winter school year. so, what ever. i am not making up excuses to eat like shit now. im not, i swear.
i've been having very very bad dreams. so i was reading on what your dreams mean. and it just makes me sad. im not close to my dad at all. and i had a dream about him last night, and he was like "i love you." and i couldnt say it back and then he started to cry and said "please... why cant you say it back?" it may not sound like much but it was terrible. and i miss him so goddamn much. i miss being a family. living with my mommy and daddy. my grandma keeps accidentally referring to my grandpa as my "dad". she be like "go ask your dad..." and stuff like that. i cant take this. im still a kid. i am. being younger than 18 makes me a kid still.
i just, i feel... broken.
i do. i feel like there is nothing. and i mean i know there is. like i have my health (whatever), and i have a roof over my head. and all that shit. but its bad. im sad most of the time. and i have this feeling that i cant explain. i guess broken is as close as its gonna come to putting a name to this feeling.
i actually woke up crying today. like bawling hysterically. and i live with my grandma, and all i wanted was my mom. so i called her, and she drove over here. and just sat with me. thats all. and it made me happy. isnt that sad? that i see my mom that often that it makes me happy to have her just sit next to me, not even talking.
i feel like i cant do this anymore. live the way im living. and by NO means am i gonna end my life, i couldnt. im too afraid of dying. im just saying something in my life needs to change. i need some one to love me and put all the pieces back together.
okay, im so sorry that was so long. i just needed to vent. love you all. have a nice night.
annie.
i feel like im barely hanging in there. like im relying so much on school starting to lose weight. and i know it will help. but i hope it actually does help. like, what if its still this hard. it didnt used to be hard. and that WAS during school. but then summer came and the weight loss stopped. and its gotten hard. i think its easier for me to lose weight during the winter school year. so, what ever. i am not making up excuses to eat like shit now. im not, i swear.
i've been having very very bad dreams. so i was reading on what your dreams mean. and it just makes me sad. im not close to my dad at all. and i had a dream about him last night, and he was like "i love you." and i couldnt say it back and then he started to cry and said "please... why cant you say it back?" it may not sound like much but it was terrible. and i miss him so goddamn much. i miss being a family. living with my mommy and daddy. my grandma keeps accidentally referring to my grandpa as my "dad". she be like "go ask your dad..." and stuff like that. i cant take this. im still a kid. i am. being younger than 18 makes me a kid still.
i just, i feel... broken.
i do. i feel like there is nothing. and i mean i know there is. like i have my health (whatever), and i have a roof over my head. and all that shit. but its bad. im sad most of the time. and i have this feeling that i cant explain. i guess broken is as close as its gonna come to putting a name to this feeling.
i actually woke up crying today. like bawling hysterically. and i live with my grandma, and all i wanted was my mom. so i called her, and she drove over here. and just sat with me. thats all. and it made me happy. isnt that sad? that i see my mom that often that it makes me happy to have her just sit next to me, not even talking.
i feel like i cant do this anymore. live the way im living. and by NO means am i gonna end my life, i couldnt. im too afraid of dying. im just saying something in my life needs to change. i need some one to love me and put all the pieces back together.
okay, im so sorry that was so long. i just needed to vent. love you all. have a nice night.
annie.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
i dont even know anymore
in the longest fucking time my weight as not got above 131. it did today. i mean i was fully clothed. but thats a cheap excuse. i need help girls. everything as seemed different since one specific date in time when i had the worst panic attack ever. i got high. and it was a baddddd trip. and it hurt so bad. like it hurt my chest and my head, and everything. and since then everything has been weird. like everything, i dont know how many calories i've been eating, i cant sleep, and even sex with my boyfriend doesnt feel good. and i just cant seem to focus. i've lost my way. so i need help.
how many calories should i eat a day. i mean i know thats a stupid question. but how many? should i eat breakfast? gah. this is stupid.
what is considered a binge? i really dont know anymore. in all seriousness.
and i've come to realize i have started to fear pain. of any sort. i cant purge anymore. because i dont want it to hurt. i dont exercise too hard because i dont want to be sore. and im ashamed of this. but its true. i used to love the pain. but im so scared of it.
and i cant focus anymore. i just want to be thin. today, i ate so much. so so so much. just all day. what ever i wanted. all day. and about half an hour ago i weighed myself and i was 136. i dont feel this is possible. but i have eaten all fucking day. and didnt exercise yesterday or today. i dont know what to do.
im not sure what you can do to help. advice would be nice. how do you go about your day? i just need to know how to get back into the rhythm of ana. please.
how many calories should i eat a day. i mean i know thats a stupid question. but how many? should i eat breakfast? gah. this is stupid.
what is considered a binge? i really dont know anymore. in all seriousness.
and i've come to realize i have started to fear pain. of any sort. i cant purge anymore. because i dont want it to hurt. i dont exercise too hard because i dont want to be sore. and im ashamed of this. but its true. i used to love the pain. but im so scared of it.
and i cant focus anymore. i just want to be thin. today, i ate so much. so so so much. just all day. what ever i wanted. all day. and about half an hour ago i weighed myself and i was 136. i dont feel this is possible. but i have eaten all fucking day. and didnt exercise yesterday or today. i dont know what to do.
im not sure what you can do to help. advice would be nice. how do you go about your day? i just need to know how to get back into the rhythm of ana. please.
Monday, August 23, 2010
nothing new
i start school very soon. im so nervous. i dont look nearly as thin as i wanted to be. but i did leave last year being much bigger than i am now. so i suppose i do look better.
school helps me lose weight, because you cant snack all day. im not sure how things will go. im down in inches. my arms are almost only nine inches, my hips are 34, my waist is 26.5, so things are getting better. im seriously doubting myself though. the way i cant get down past 125 pounds, i dont think i ever will be able too. what do i need to do? crap. once school starts lets see how stuff goes with my weight. if i can get it down to like 122, or 123 then i'll start to believe in my self again.
i think im looking forward to school. its exactly the structure i need in my life. i feel like during school, loosing weight is just like home work, something that needs to be done. so i think i can do it. and that gives me hope.
i had a muffin and a glass of milk today. im at 200 calories so far. im going to the mall later, but i dont have much money so food isnt an option. haha.
thats about all.
i guess i'll update later. :)
school helps me lose weight, because you cant snack all day. im not sure how things will go. im down in inches. my arms are almost only nine inches, my hips are 34, my waist is 26.5, so things are getting better. im seriously doubting myself though. the way i cant get down past 125 pounds, i dont think i ever will be able too. what do i need to do? crap. once school starts lets see how stuff goes with my weight. if i can get it down to like 122, or 123 then i'll start to believe in my self again.
i think im looking forward to school. its exactly the structure i need in my life. i feel like during school, loosing weight is just like home work, something that needs to be done. so i think i can do it. and that gives me hope.
i had a muffin and a glass of milk today. im at 200 calories so far. im going to the mall later, but i dont have much money so food isnt an option. haha.
thats about all.
i guess i'll update later. :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
it feels so good
one-hundred twenty-six pounds. my muscles are sore. and im sweaty. i feel fantastic. and thanks girls for the comments. your super supportive Kitty and Mrs. Skeleton Strong. and Skeleton Strong, i really really appreciate the advice. :) its very helpful. i used to be so happy, and very interested, and good at, art. and i think im going to take that up again. so thanks.
yesterday went very very well. ended up not too bad calorie wise. today was worse, but not very great. i exercised both days, its awesome.
i got a new tooth brush, its fantastic. brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things. in case you dont know, i take GREAT pride in my teeth. i didnt have braces for nearly four years for nothing.
im gonna shave my legs tomorrow. it'll be nice. lol. i've waited too long.
also, tomorrow i have a pizza date with the boy. so i'll exercise very hard, and eat two pieces tops. everything should go well. :)
i got the cutest pair of jeans! and i realize, threes are too small, and fives are too big. but pants here dont come in fours. so i guess im a four. but the jeans i bought are a five. makes me feel fat. but they're real cute blue jeans. :)
how are you doing?
yesterday went very very well. ended up not too bad calorie wise. today was worse, but not very great. i exercised both days, its awesome.
i got a new tooth brush, its fantastic. brushing my teeth is one of my favorite things. in case you dont know, i take GREAT pride in my teeth. i didnt have braces for nearly four years for nothing.
im gonna shave my legs tomorrow. it'll be nice. lol. i've waited too long.
also, tomorrow i have a pizza date with the boy. so i'll exercise very hard, and eat two pieces tops. everything should go well. :)
i got the cutest pair of jeans! and i realize, threes are too small, and fives are too big. but pants here dont come in fours. so i guess im a four. but the jeans i bought are a five. makes me feel fat. but they're real cute blue jeans. :)
how are you doing?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
its been a while!
im very sorry guys. i've just been so fucking depressed. only sleeping and eating. and the other day i flipped out, and i finally realized its about time to get back on track. i had sort of a wake up call. 130 pounds. waist 29 inches, hips 35 inches. fucking shit shit fuck fuck. so. i got this now. i cannot and will not be fat. i've eaten 90 calories today. a yogurt and a jello. and i already exercised. burned at least 200 calories. i can do this. i will do this.
i have not been reading blogs. im sorry. i'll catch up though! dont fret. :)
in factttt, i'll go do that now!
i have not been reading blogs. im sorry. i'll catch up though! dont fret. :)
in factttt, i'll go do that now!
Monday, August 16, 2010
quickly
i just wanted to say hey, im still here and alive! lol. i slept at the boys house. came home and fed the cats. didnt eat to bad today, but i did have a big bread roll. shouldnt have but i did. i didnt sleep more than 4 hours last night so im going to go read my Cosmopolitan and then take a nap. :)
hope your doing well.
love you guys.
31 followers!
:D
<3
oh, and i wanted to thank all of you so much for you comments. it makes me so happy to know someone cares. :) you guys are just, so wonderful to me! i love it! its a fantastic feeling, to feel like some one can give you their honest opinion, and still love you. so thanks guys, really. :) you bring a smile to my face.
hope your doing well.
love you guys.
31 followers!
:D
<3
oh, and i wanted to thank all of you so much for you comments. it makes me so happy to know someone cares. :) you guys are just, so wonderful to me! i love it! its a fantastic feeling, to feel like some one can give you their honest opinion, and still love you. so thanks guys, really. :) you bring a smile to my face.
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