i dont even know anymore

in the longest fucking time my weight as not got above 131. it did today. i mean i was fully clothed. but thats a cheap excuse. i need help girls. everything as seemed different since one specific date in time when i had the worst panic attack ever. i got high. and it was a baddddd trip. and it hurt so bad. like it hurt my chest and my head, and everything. and since then everything has been weird. like everything, i dont know how many calories i've been eating, i cant sleep, and even sex with my boyfriend doesnt feel good. and i just cant seem to focus. i've lost my way. so i need help.

how many calories should i eat a day. i mean i know thats a stupid question. but how many? should i eat breakfast? gah. this is stupid.

what is considered a binge? i really dont know anymore. in all seriousness.

and i've come to realize i have started to fear pain. of any sort. i cant purge anymore. because i dont want it to hurt. i dont exercise too hard because i dont want to be sore. and im ashamed of this. but its true. i used to love the pain. but im so scared of it.

and i cant focus anymore. i just want to be thin. today, i ate so much. so so so much. just all day. what ever i wanted. all day. and about half an hour ago i weighed myself and i was 136. i dont feel this is possible. but i have eaten all fucking day. and didnt exercise yesterday or today. i dont know what to do.

im not sure what you can do to help. advice would be nice. how do you go about your day? i just need to know how to get back into the rhythm of ana. please.