sorry i've been gone.

i dunno, i just havent posted in a while.

i was 123 for a good 4 days. then bingebingebinge, and im 126 now.
so tomorrow is a new start. im going to fast. or at the least liquid fast, because i will be 120 by the end of december. it seems dumb. that i'll take that long to lose a few pounds, but i find my body wont let me lose easily anymore. its very hard now. my body like clings to every ounce. uggh.
so i will be 120 by the end of december.

its gotten so goddamn cold here. tons of snow, and wind that burns your skin. ouch.

my thighs havent touched in a while now. except at the very top. heres a picture of my legs from the other day when i was 123.

well, thats all for tonight i suppose. i hope you're all doing well.
i'll be back tomorrow most likely. :)
night ladies.

i just want to be skinny

my sister went to the doctor today, hes 13 and only like 5 foot 3 or something, she weighs 104 pounds, and she stopped getting her period. why cant i be so thin i dont menstruate! its not fair!

i didnt weigh today like i planned, i woke up so late that i didnt have time to get practically naked and look at some numbers.
i'll do i tomorrow! haha.

i ate around 700-800 calories today. and burned 220. so not too shabby. in the 480-580 range.
idk.

im scared. i feel like i dont have an eating disorder. i think i just am drastically trying to lose weight in unhealthy ways... but then theres a little voice in side of my head that says "maybe thats the eating disorder talking. you do have one. you do."
i dont know.

and im scared that i do have an eating disorder, and that it will control my life, and i'll get thin, and then i'll be FORCED to gain weight once i get in the 110's. some one will notice. i have this stressing feeling that someone is watching me, noticing me. and they know that somethings up.

and scared that i'll be consumed by an eating disorder. and that i'll never be able to be happy. that i wont eat my wedding cake on my wedding day because of the calories in it.
i dont know. im just genuinely scared.



this is a picture after my shower last night. i know im getting thin, but if someone saw this, would they worry? probably not, its nothing drastic. just starting to see some ribs.

well, night i suppose ladies. sleep tight.

bad dream

i had a very bad dream last night.
i mostly just remember the feelings. it was terrible.
from what i can recall, i was being cornered by my family for being "anorexic" they said they knew everything, and that i needed help because i had gotten too thin. i didnt even know they knew, and i was crying and screaming, and telling them i didnt have a problem. and they told me there was no use fighting. there were hands and bodies everywhere, holding me against my will, taking me against my will. all the while i was screaming and crying.

so that was my dream. it was terribly real.
i feel like that could happen when my mom gets out of jail.
i live with my grandma, and she doesnt even suspect a thing. but before my mother went to jail she told me "annie... you're getting too thin". and she asked my grandma "has she been eating?" and of course my grandma said "of course! oh of course, nothings wrong" because i always make a point to eat in front of her. but im scared.

im feeling like something going to happen.

as long as i get to 110 before something happenes. i feel like 124 is too big to have an eating disorder. i dont even think i do. i dont know do i? i've never been diagnosed, who decides if i have an eating disorder?
im not thin enough to have an eating disorder. but once i get thinner, i'll let you guys know. :)

i was starting 246, but i ended up eating two browines that brought my total to like 600 something. so i think i'll just try to keep it under 500 after exercise.

im hoping to be 120-118 by the end of december. after my mini binge of chips today, i weighed RIGHT after, and i was 124.5. so i think im still like 123.

do you guys ever have terrible dreams like that? that someone will find our your secrets?
whens the last time you had a nightmare?

im very tired. time to start homework. then go to bed. i'll see yah. :)

tomorrow is december 6th

some time in February, of this year, is when all this started. that means in like two months, it'll be year. a whole fucking year and i've only lost 20 pounds. fuck. by February, i want to be 118. which means i'll have lost 25 pounds to date. that sounds like a nice number. which means i'll also be at my goal. the goal that i made February 2010. ( i actually wanted to be 117 but still) how much have you ladies lost since you started this journey? more than 20? gahhh. i need to be 117 or 118 by February. that'll be nice.
i told my boyfriend in February, that i'd be 117 by our 2 year anniversary in July. it didnt happen. so by the coming February, i can do it. i will. and i hope he'll be proud.

me and him were talking about my weight, and he asked how much i weigh, and i dont lie to him, so i told him 123. he was excited for me, because he knew how happy i was. then he added, that he doesnt need me any thinner, that hes okay with 123.

i think he feels bad that last summer he called me "overweight". he didnt say "youve gained a couple pounds" or even "you're fat" he fucking said "i think you're getting overweight"

oh my god how much i cried.

thats what started this really. i think he'd be sad to know he started my eating disorder, and that his compliments now fuel the flame.

so im starting 246 tomorrow, i've got an ana buddy. i'd like another though. anyone wanna text? i'd love that.
i hope to be 120 by the end of this week.


but i did terrible this past weekend. one day i ate 2,000 calories. so i'd guess im back up to 126ish. idk. i'll weigh tomorrow.

sooo, text me! :)
leave a comment and i'll give you my number.

have a nice night ladies.

sixteen

so ladies, im 16 now. 15 is so young, but 16 is so old. eahh.
sorry for my last post.
thanks to efflorescentwings and Weightoomuch for commenting. it meant a lot.

i was 123 on my birthday. but yesterday i ate 2000 calories, and the day before i had like 1,500. my eating is out of control. only because i've been spending time with my boyfriend. and one of his favorite things is snacks. so i've been eating like all day. monday will be better in all honesty, because it will be.
i didnt get much for my birtday. i got some clothes that i wanted though. and a couple friends gave me some candy/food. my boyfriend got me a movie. thats it. it makes me sound greedy. but i kinda expected more. we've been going out for 2 years and 5 months, and i buy him fantastic things.
what ever i guess. its not like he has a job. although hes 18 and should have a job or a car. hes a bum really. whatever.

im too scared to weigh myself. so i think i'll wait till monday.

some friends are coming over today. its nice. it makes me feel like i have lots of friends. :)

me and my best friend are going to get matching tattoos. these ones.

its kinda a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but thats okay. :)

im gonna go. :P

depression

i was diagnosed with depression, and i have sever social anxiety.
i took medication for a while. until i felt better, then i stopped. i cant get a refill until i talk to someone again. and i cant. they judge me. i know they do. they ask whats wrong, but they honestly could care fucking less. which isnt fair. i've seen many people, and i havent felt like ONE didnt judge me. but then again, i also hate shopping because i also KNOW the people who are scanning my items are thinking about why i bought what i bought, ultimately, judging me.
i dont know.
my mother has a lot of mental health problems, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. and the agoraphobia is hereditary. i think i might have it. i cannot talk on the phone. i cannot order my dinner at a restaurant. i hate being alone in big places.


i keep having this deja vu that someone i know is going to find this, or i'll forget to clear the history on my computer, and my life is fucking ruined. i've had dreams about it too. that my life gets RUINED. that everything falls to shit. that everyone is disappointed in me and that my boyfriend wont be with me because i kept this secret from him. im so scared.

i havent been sleeping. and i get up at 6 every morning for school. so this is shit. i got four hours of sleep, then had to sit through 8 hours of honors classes, then i had to find a ride home from school, which i didnt have. and i almost had to walk the nearly 10 miles to my house, in the freezing cold, wearing a dress.

i just feel like everything is so shitty.

ive been crying a lot. that goes along with the whole, i cant sleep thing.
i have this crushing pain in my chest. not physically, like i have a bruise, or i got hit.
but like, inside of me, just hurts so much. its hard to explain. i think im depressed.

im 123 today. i weighed after i had eaten around 400 calories. my goal was 120 by tomorrow, my birthday. im sorry i disappointed you guys. i did end up losing five pounds though.
so not all bad.

im so tired. but im not even half way done with home work due at 7 am tomorrow. then i get to sit through a whole day of people expecting me to be happy and smiley because im another year closer to fucking death.

thats one of my biggest fears. dying. its so weird to think about. its not a fear like being afraid of the dark. its a saddening fear, that will come true, at anytime anywhere during my life. and i havent accomplished anything, and i dont think i will.

i have this yearning to be something. i dont know what. but i feel like i was born to do something special, to be some special. i feel like im missing my chance. i feel like im keeping a secret from my self. like i know what i have to do, i know what will make me special before i die. but i wont tell my self. i dont know. this is stupid. its also hard to explain.

i feel like im better than everyone i meet. not you girls. you girls are different. but the kids at school, just everyone. i feel like they dont feel the same i do. they dont have this feeling deep inside them, that they HAVE to find out what is expected of their life to achieve greatness. do you ladies feel it? is it normal? maybe im greedy. maybe im conceited, thinking im better than so many other people. i guess i am. but i dont care. i know im destined to do something. to be someone. and i feel like i should get what i want. i know THATS conceited. but i feel like its true.

i stole my current boyfriend from his girl friend, because i wanted him, and i get what i want.
but i think its a false feeling. because i feel like (referring to my last couple of posts about gerard and frank) if i want to have sex with frank iero or gerard way that it will happen. i feel like im different in the way that i should always be right, always get what i want.

i only get that greedy "i should get what i want" feeling sometimes. but its been really strong lately.

im so selfish.

i yelled at my sister for not buying me what i wanted for my birthday. she just turned 13, i was too hard on her. and i feel terrible.

i turn 16 tomorrow. i dont know what im expecting. i guess im expecting a thousand "happy birthday's" and cards and gifts. why? i dont know. i feel like im supposed to be popular. have all the guys. god. i sound so fucking dumb.
but what ever. i felt i needed to share this with you.

thank you for all your kind words on my last post. about my pictures and things. :)
i really appreciate it.

im feel bad.
i really really want to cut. and i dont know what to do. because i PROMISED my boyfriend i wouldnt do it again. and i've broken that promise about three times in two and a half years. and he always finds out. and hes always sad, then i repromise, just to break it again.

i always break my promises.

im such a terrible person.
im so sorry.

i love you all so much. and i appreciate all of your lives, and i sympathies with all of your struggles. thanks for sticking with me.
and im sorry this post was such bull shit.

i love you.
have a nice night.
get some sleep for me. thanks.

11/29/10

wednesday is my birthday.
its that time already.
the other day i was 123, then the next i was 126, then the next i was 124. so im not sure what i really weigh. i really need to not weigh everyday. because it fluxuates so much. its only 4:40, and im feeling bingy. and icky. todays not going so well. i had 85 for lunch. then got home and had some chips and soup. so i'd be around 200, then i had about 4 salt water taffies, and a giant pretzel. soo... 450?

i havent exercised yet. i know i have to. i just do not want to.
fuckk.

i'd like to take a bath too.
its stupid, but i like to shower or bathe BEFORE i exercise. i know your thinking "would you want to get clean after you're sweaty?"
but for some reason, no. i like to be damp when i exercise. skin and hair. yeah. idk.
hah.

i have a new little profile picture over there. ---->

i dyed my bangs blue. :)
i like it.
anywho,
i dont think i'll make 120 by wednesday. im close though. so that counts for something.

also, i dont know if you know, i dont know why you would, butttt, i wait until my last post has three comments to post the next. haha.


edittt:

a little while ago i took some pictures of me now. so heres some progress.