thanks

for the warm welcome back. :3
you guys are so nice.

im around 500 calories now. this no junk food january is totally helping me from binging. :)
im not counting cereal as "junk food" even though its pretty much all sugar. haha.
so i had a couple handfuls of cereal before because i needed something sweet.

today was a good day all around.
i forgot my english note book at home, with my essay and speech in it, and i thought i was fucked. but turns out, the speech and essay are due tomorrow! ahh! haha.

currently i am finishing up my veggie burger (counted in the 500 calories), im watching spongebob, and sitting cross legged in front of my computer with a big glass of ice water.

ughh. i gotta exercise soon. the longer i put it off the worse i wanna do it. like, right now im like "eahhh. i will soon" but later i'll be like "fuck it. im not. im just going to bed"
hah. the later it gets the less motivation i have. im sure early morning exercise would be good for me. if i didnt already get up at 6 every morning for school.


i got a reallllly nice camera for christmas. i also got an ipod touch fourth generation. :)
im really enjoying my ipod.

also, im down to 125. so 2.6 pounds in the past two days. i know this weight loss wont keep to that pattern. haha.

do you guys ever read slash?
i do. i love itttt.
"Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction that focuses on the depiction of romantic or sexual relationships between fictional characters of the same sex"
i like ferard slash. which is pretty much stories people write about Frank Iero and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance having sex. it can get intense! lol. :)

well, theres something i bet you didnt know about me.
well, thats all i suppose.

:)

no junk food january

wow. its fer real been almost a month since i've posted. im so sorry for leaving you guys!
im so sorry!
its a new year. and im back.

so the holidays were rough. i weighed this morning, im 127.6 pounds. ughhhh. i was literally 123 a week or so ago. im motivated though. i really am. :) i am going to be 119 pounds by febuary 1st. even if it kills me. todays the first time in a while that i've got in a substantial amount of exercise. so thats a good start. also, im doing no junk food january with one of my not ana friends. so thats cool. :) some positive motivation from her. not that you guys arent positive :P

i have found ways to satisfy cravings. i mean, i still eat. but like today. i wanted a cookie sooo bad after i had some macaroni. but i realized i just wanted some "dessert". so i had a banana. it was sweet enough to be exactly what i needed. and i was done after that one banana. unlike if i had eaten the cookie, i would have wanted like three.

i have so much catching up to do with you guys! oh boy do i have some blogs to read. haha.

well, heres to the new year. and a new me. :)

(sorry for abandoning you guys, i really am so sorry)


edittt:

you dont really have to read this, but i found this survey on sofia's blog. so i thought i'd take it for fun. :)

Age: 16
Height: 5’5"
Weight: 127.6 lbs
Dress Size: 5
Highest Weight: 145
Lowest Weight (at height): 123
Goal Weight: 110
Favorite Diet Food: salad, grapes, strawberries, celery.
Favorite Binge Food: cookies, starchey foods (potatos, rice)
Favorite Exercise: Jillian Micaels 30 Day Shread
Favorite Thinspo: collar bones
Where Do You Slip Up: having too much time on my hands. or being around friends.

When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: sixth grade.
Restricting/counting: ninth grade.
Does Anyone Know: no.
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : depends. 300-100 calories.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat arms, flabby stomach, cellulite on my butt and thighs, and my love handles.
Are You In A Relationship: yeah. boyfriend of 2 and a half years.
Are You Depressed: somestimes. i stopped talking my medication.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: never.

Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes.

I AM -
[?] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

sorry i've been gone.

i dunno, i just havent posted in a while.

i was 123 for a good 4 days. then bingebingebinge, and im 126 now.
so tomorrow is a new start. im going to fast. or at the least liquid fast, because i will be 120 by the end of december. it seems dumb. that i'll take that long to lose a few pounds, but i find my body wont let me lose easily anymore. its very hard now. my body like clings to every ounce. uggh.
so i will be 120 by the end of december.

its gotten so goddamn cold here. tons of snow, and wind that burns your skin. ouch.

my thighs havent touched in a while now. except at the very top. heres a picture of my legs from the other day when i was 123.

well, thats all for tonight i suppose. i hope you're all doing well.
i'll be back tomorrow most likely. :)
night ladies.

i just want to be skinny

my sister went to the doctor today, hes 13 and only like 5 foot 3 or something, she weighs 104 pounds, and she stopped getting her period. why cant i be so thin i dont menstruate! its not fair!

i didnt weigh today like i planned, i woke up so late that i didnt have time to get practically naked and look at some numbers.
i'll do i tomorrow! haha.

i ate around 700-800 calories today. and burned 220. so not too shabby. in the 480-580 range.
idk.

im scared. i feel like i dont have an eating disorder. i think i just am drastically trying to lose weight in unhealthy ways... but then theres a little voice in side of my head that says "maybe thats the eating disorder talking. you do have one. you do."
i dont know.

and im scared that i do have an eating disorder, and that it will control my life, and i'll get thin, and then i'll be FORCED to gain weight once i get in the 110's. some one will notice. i have this stressing feeling that someone is watching me, noticing me. and they know that somethings up.

and scared that i'll be consumed by an eating disorder. and that i'll never be able to be happy. that i wont eat my wedding cake on my wedding day because of the calories in it.
i dont know. im just genuinely scared.



this is a picture after my shower last night. i know im getting thin, but if someone saw this, would they worry? probably not, its nothing drastic. just starting to see some ribs.

well, night i suppose ladies. sleep tight.

bad dream

i had a very bad dream last night.
i mostly just remember the feelings. it was terrible.
from what i can recall, i was being cornered by my family for being "anorexic" they said they knew everything, and that i needed help because i had gotten too thin. i didnt even know they knew, and i was crying and screaming, and telling them i didnt have a problem. and they told me there was no use fighting. there were hands and bodies everywhere, holding me against my will, taking me against my will. all the while i was screaming and crying.

so that was my dream. it was terribly real.
i feel like that could happen when my mom gets out of jail.
i live with my grandma, and she doesnt even suspect a thing. but before my mother went to jail she told me "annie... you're getting too thin". and she asked my grandma "has she been eating?" and of course my grandma said "of course! oh of course, nothings wrong" because i always make a point to eat in front of her. but im scared.

im feeling like something going to happen.

as long as i get to 110 before something happenes. i feel like 124 is too big to have an eating disorder. i dont even think i do. i dont know do i? i've never been diagnosed, who decides if i have an eating disorder?
im not thin enough to have an eating disorder. but once i get thinner, i'll let you guys know. :)

i was starting 246, but i ended up eating two browines that brought my total to like 600 something. so i think i'll just try to keep it under 500 after exercise.

im hoping to be 120-118 by the end of december. after my mini binge of chips today, i weighed RIGHT after, and i was 124.5. so i think im still like 123.

do you guys ever have terrible dreams like that? that someone will find our your secrets?
whens the last time you had a nightmare?

im very tired. time to start homework. then go to bed. i'll see yah. :)

tomorrow is december 6th

some time in February, of this year, is when all this started. that means in like two months, it'll be year. a whole fucking year and i've only lost 20 pounds. fuck. by February, i want to be 118. which means i'll have lost 25 pounds to date. that sounds like a nice number. which means i'll also be at my goal. the goal that i made February 2010. ( i actually wanted to be 117 but still) how much have you ladies lost since you started this journey? more than 20? gahhh. i need to be 117 or 118 by February. that'll be nice.
i told my boyfriend in February, that i'd be 117 by our 2 year anniversary in July. it didnt happen. so by the coming February, i can do it. i will. and i hope he'll be proud.

me and him were talking about my weight, and he asked how much i weigh, and i dont lie to him, so i told him 123. he was excited for me, because he knew how happy i was. then he added, that he doesnt need me any thinner, that hes okay with 123.

i think he feels bad that last summer he called me "overweight". he didnt say "youve gained a couple pounds" or even "you're fat" he fucking said "i think you're getting overweight"

oh my god how much i cried.

thats what started this really. i think he'd be sad to know he started my eating disorder, and that his compliments now fuel the flame.

so im starting 246 tomorrow, i've got an ana buddy. i'd like another though. anyone wanna text? i'd love that.
i hope to be 120 by the end of this week.


but i did terrible this past weekend. one day i ate 2,000 calories. so i'd guess im back up to 126ish. idk. i'll weigh tomorrow.

sooo, text me! :)
leave a comment and i'll give you my number.

have a nice night ladies.

sixteen

so ladies, im 16 now. 15 is so young, but 16 is so old. eahh.
sorry for my last post.
thanks to efflorescentwings and Weightoomuch for commenting. it meant a lot.

i was 123 on my birthday. but yesterday i ate 2000 calories, and the day before i had like 1,500. my eating is out of control. only because i've been spending time with my boyfriend. and one of his favorite things is snacks. so i've been eating like all day. monday will be better in all honesty, because it will be.
i didnt get much for my birtday. i got some clothes that i wanted though. and a couple friends gave me some candy/food. my boyfriend got me a movie. thats it. it makes me sound greedy. but i kinda expected more. we've been going out for 2 years and 5 months, and i buy him fantastic things.
what ever i guess. its not like he has a job. although hes 18 and should have a job or a car. hes a bum really. whatever.

im too scared to weigh myself. so i think i'll wait till monday.

some friends are coming over today. its nice. it makes me feel like i have lots of friends. :)

me and my best friend are going to get matching tattoos. these ones.

its kinda a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but thats okay. :)

im gonna go. :P