hello

i see i have a few new followers. :D cool beans.

i went through my room today, and found shit tons of old pictures. i was fat. way to ruin good memories.

i had a small bowl of cereal, and one baby carrot so far today.

i have a swim test tonight at 7:00. then tomorrow at 3 im going to the state fair, it has rides and such.
im super nervous about the swim test. its to see if i can handle being a life guard.
you guys saw the suite i have, the yellow one that i posted pics of. i dont want to have to wear that in front of everyone! :( maybe they'll let me wear like a tank top and shorts. do you think? or is that unprofessional? it'll probably weigh me down. gahh, i dont know what to do. im so nervous.

im not sure about today. im too lazy to exercise, i know. im too lazy for anything, but eating. im ashamed.
but i'll probably eat today, a lot more than i should.

one; i just want to eat.
two; my brain is telling my body its okay, you need energy to swim later.

bullshit.

thats it i suppose. i think i'll have some baked tortilla chips with beans. sooo, yeah, it'll probably stop there. and if it doesnt then i'll have a grilled cheese. so yes.

hope you guys are doing better than i am.

you are beautiful. you really are.

im very sorry

i've been gone for a while. i've been super super sick. and i've done nothing. like, nothing. so im very sorry!! i noticed i had 25 followers, but today i have 24! D:
im sorry to who ever decided not to follow me anymore.

im 125 pounds as of this morning. which is awesome considered how much ice cream i've eaten lately.

i went to the therapist the other day, for the first time. and i guess i have depression, and ADHD. :O
sooo, im probably going to get medication. i was on anti depressants once but i gained four pounds and quit that shit. so if it happens this time im not sure.
maybe it'll even out, like ADHD shit sometimes makes you not hungrryyy.

i dont even know. i guess we will see what happens.

im sorry i was gone for a while, im glad you guys still stuck with me. :)


ohhh, and i got my boyfriend sick too! he came over to be niceeee and he even gave me kisses. now hes sick. :( poor boy, that was really nice of him though.

i guess thats all really. :)
have a nice day.

its been a few days

i havent posted in a few days. i dont know, i didnt get lazy, i did log on and read your guises blogs, i just felt i had nothing to say.
but i do have 2 new followers! yay for friends! :P
my weight always jumps everywhere, but lately its been going down.
it was 129, then 127, then 126.5 and today it was 125.5. so idk. good? i havent been eating like complete shit. i dont eat all day, then get hungry and eat dinner. sooo not too bad. i feel like i've been doing better than i have in a while.

i've been so happy. i havent been looking at myself naked in the mirror, i have been worrying about my body as usual, but i've been pretending its not there. so, i just feel not as shitty all day. and my boy has been in such a good mood this whole week. and i just feel wonderful. :)

sorry i didnt post for a couple days. idk.
im very tired. its 1 in the morning here.
i'll most likely post tomorrow. :)

stay beautiful!

morning ladies

so i have gained four pounds. just getting that out there. i got lazy on exercising and, i've just stopped.

i realize how bad i've been doing. and im just... gross, and disappointed. i ate today. a lot. so, what ever. i've decided to fast. for as long as i can. starting tomorrow morning. and i WILL exercise at least 3-5 times a week.

got high yesterday, and binged. no surprises there. im just so upset. and so fat. there isnt much to say today. im still real sick. i have a sinus infection.
so im just going to sleep all day, or something.

stay lovely ladies.
i hope your doing better than i am.

two of them

i had two bowls of cereal. what ever. im a failure, i know.

any way, i used to have this friend her name was Jessica. she never ate. like honestly, we would all got out to lunch and she would NEVER eat. and we never made her. we would just joke and laugh how she didnt eat food. we never thought of an eating disorder. now a few years later, i realize once she thought she was pregnant, because she stopped getting her period. yeah, i cant believe i never knew. were not friends anymore. so it doesnt matter. but i thought i'd show you some pictures of her. shhhh, dont tell her im showing you. :P

above is her and her best friend, shes the taller one.




and this is her and her little brother. not the cutest girl. but she is pretty darn thin.
thats all i suppose.
may update later.

so guys quick update

i wanted to show you guys my arms. idk.
how big around are your arms? mine are now 9.5 inches.

this is me flexing. otherwise im getting more confident that i dont have nasty ass arms.

the airshow

my boy was away for the the past week and a half, and i went up to the airshow, where he was, and now im home. the past few days, i barley ate, but i dont know... i dont feel little, i dont feel pretty. and thats not just like an ED thing... i dont think i gained, but i really didnt lose anything. im so afraid of the scale, especially since its... that time, of the month. i hate to use that as an excuse but, you know how it is. i didnt eat much yesterday, a bowl of cereal, then at like 8 at night my guy had a whole container of Oreos. ahhhh. i swear i had like 5. :/
but, aside from the bowl of cereal, and the cookies... i drank.
i never ever ever do. but i did. a lot. so that may as well be a binge in its self.
dont be disappointed in me.

so i see i now have 21 followers! thank you, you beautiful people! haha. :)

i havent exercised in a while. but i promise promise i will.
i think i pose a threat to my boy. he felt my arms, and he was like, "shiittt, since when did you get so strong?" and i was like "Jillian Michaels BITCHHH"
lol.
and he wants to do it with me. i love that. :)
i love him.
so next time i see him, we'll probably do that.
and i'll show him up, because im more fit than him.
hes is so thin, and very strong, but i have more endurance and can recover from a workout faster.

anywho, i think thats it.
:P

stay positive.